MOUSE-KA-TORN

 With the focus on New York's mayoral race taking up the recent news cycles, you might not have heard about the murder of a local superstar. His violent death at the hands of an unknown assailant was important enough to be mentioned in all the papers, and the front page of at least one of them:

Scabby was no toy to be tossed around in a kiddie pool. At approximately 15 feet tall, he was a familiar presence to New Yorkers for two decades. Local unions would make sure he appeared outside businesses that didn't hire organized workers. No one was safe from Scabby's threatening red eyes: construction sites, museums, or, in the case of the murder scene, Babbo, a pricey Italian restaurant. 

Pizza Rat didn't care if the guy who made
the slice was non-union.

Frightening to anyone meeting him for the first time, Scabby eventually became something of a mascot to the city, like his cousin Pizza Rat, Mr. Met, and the New York Pigeon. People who would otherwise run screaming in the opposite direction when a real rodent crossed their paths became used to Scabby turning up unexpectedly. Over time, they even considered him one of the family. (Many New Yorkers who've lived here long enough feel the same about real rodents whether they like it or not.)

If reports are correct, the police responded to the murder scene as if responding to free samples at Krispy Kreme. After examining Scabby (no word if they notified the coroner), they bumrushed Babbo, looking for the murder weapon. Fortunately for the $100-lasagna-chomping customers, the cops had a description that sounded like an employee. 

Maybe if the union reps weren't so busy flirting,
Scabby would still be with us.

Too late! The suspect escaped into the kitchen (just like in the movies!), which the police didn't search. The demand that Babbo owner Stephen Starr turn over the security camera footage was met with a You got a subpoena, copper? 

I would love to be on the phone conversation when this goes down:  

D.A.: Your honor, I'm here to request a subpoena for security footage of a murder.

JUDGE: My God, who is the victim?

D.A.: Scabby.

JUDGE: What?! 

D.A.: Scabby. The Rat --

JUDGE: I know who he is! 

D.A.: Yes, your honor --

JUDGE: You got me out of bed for this shit?!

D.A.: I'm sorry, your hon--

JUDGE: You're not even union!

This would be a cool
replacement.

It's not like a replacement can't be bought, although giant inflatable rats don't come cheap. According to the New York Post, Scabby cost $7,000. But if they don't mind a smaller model, a 10-foot tall version can be had for just $1,590. A human sized style, at six feet, is a steal at $500 -- but as it's imported from China, tariffs will add a couple hundred bucks at checkout. Tariff or no, the Chinese quasi-slaves who make the rats would be happy to help unionized workers in America, I'm sure.

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