LIE DOWN BESIDE US

This might as well replace 

"E Pluribus Unum" on our money.

It's common belief that Donald Trump and his drunken, dementia-addled, double-talking, cousin-fucking, consigliere Rudy Giuliani have raised lying to a fine art. 

Not at all. Unlike Bill Clinton-- the Utrillo of Untruths -- they don't lie well at all. It's just that they do it every time they take their lips off the rumps of neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and Sean Hannity.

Quantity, then, does not necessarily equal quality. There are plenty of others in politics and business who appear to lie with less frequency -- but when they're caught, it's passed off as "misspeaking", otherwise known as a second lie. 

There were two examples of such last week. The original events got major play in the press, while the subsequent "explanations" weren't called out for what they really were.

We first deal with what has already known as "Greatgate".  New York Governor and human foghorn Andrew Cuomo held a public bill signing ceremony on the Lower East Side which changed a law that forced children to prove they weren't willing victims of sex trafficking -- a loophole which remained wide open for several years at the behest of Democrats in Albany. (This should give you an idea of the caliber of our political donors.)

Considering this was a bipartisan bill, you'd think Cuomo would have spoken the usual "reaching across the aisle" and "coming together" blather beloved by "public servants". 

But Cuomo, running for re-election and desperately trying to bolster his "progressive" street cred against Cynthia "Not that Nixon, The Other One" Nixon, decided to turn this event into a campaign speech by bringing up Donald Trump. "We're not going to make America great again," he boasted. "It was never that great." 

I don't know much sports lingo, but I believe that's known as an unforced error. Really, how difficult would it have been for Cuomo to say, "I want to make America even greater!"? Very difficult, apparently, because that's not what he meant. Nice work, Andrew, reinforcing the idea that Democrats hate America! 

"And on day three, I lied again!"

The Guv's gaffe made national news, forcing a woman (of course!) to clean up a man's mess. Cuomo's press secretary Dani Lever issued a "clarifying statement":  the Governor "believes America is great". 

Apparently "clarifying statement" means "utter horseshit". Cuomo himself felt obliged to walk back his statement on the third day. "The expression I used the other day was inartful," said the man who 's supposed to be the greatest orator since William Jennings Bryan, "so I want to be very clear. Of course America is great, and of course America has always been great. No one questions that." Oh, yes you did! 

Cuomo might be Governor in New York, but he's now guaranteed to be seen in GOP campaign ads across the country.  SLOW MOTION NEWSREEL FOOTAGE of American soldiers raising the flag at Iwo Jima. ANNOUNCER: "These are the people who saved mankind by defeating enemies bent on world domination. But according to Democrats like Andrew Cuomo, they're the not so great generation." 

Good luck with that presidential run in 2020, Guv.

Who says Fox News doesn't like black people? They've
got two different ones there!

At the same time, Fox News had their own battle with the truth. Granted, that isn't an unusual occurrence, but this time it couldn't be brushed off merely as an opinion by self-styled Aryan princess Laura Ingraham.

Moments after the death of Aretha Franklin was announced, Fox had a typical "in memoriam" slide up and running. And moments after that, the internet was filled with people pointing out that the image in the upper right corner was that of Patti LaBelle. 

If Fox News existed in 1977.

Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't run a picture of Aunt Jemima. By way of apology, Fox News' Vice-President Jessica Santostefano -- another woman on clean-up duty! -- offered her own clarifying statement: "Our intention was to honor the icon using a secondary image of her performing with Patti LaBelle in the full screen graphic, but the image of Ms. Franklin was obscured in that process, which we deeply regret." 

You lie like a fox, Jessica! For as Variety pointed out, Aretha Franklin is nowhere in the photo Santostefano referenced.  I guess it was better than admitting the truth, which is at Fox News, any black woman over 40 singing into a microphone must be Aretha Franklin. 

If, as apparent 1984 acolyte Rudy Giuliani said on Meet the Press, "Truth isn't the truth", then surely Andrew Cuomo and Jessica Santostefano must believe a lie isn't a lie. Maybe they can also explain why people hate politics and the news media.

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POWER TO SOME PEOPLE

I have no idea which side they're on. 

Sunday afternoon, I settled in front of the TV, refreshments at hand, to watch what I hoped would be a full-throttle physical clash in Washington, DC. 

In this corner, weighing no less than 200 pounds each -- the whitest of the white, the brawlers who traded in their white sheets for red neckties, the losers who couldn't get a date with a dog if you tied a pork chop around their ankle
-- give a round of Bronx cheers for Unite the Right!

And in this corner, weighing each race, ethnicity, and sexual orientation carefully so that everyone is equal down to the last eyebrow hair, the fighters who won't cry "uncle" because it would just another case of masculine domination, the patriots who love free speech until you disagree with them, please welcome -- or else they might throw a chair through your business window -- Antifa & Company!

You know Unite the Right is on the losing side when the cops
outnumber the supporters.

Oh yeah, I was ready for the peaceful demonstration to go haywire, expecting a collision like warm and cold fronts causing a massive storm and wreaking havoc all around. 

Boom! It was time for Trump's America to live down to my expectations once again. 

Alas! What a disappointing fight it turned out to be! A disappointing non-fight. Hundreds of people of all stripes vs a couple dozen white guys who only want to be left in peace (i.e., away from other races, Jews, anyone with an accent other than British, etc.) does not an interesting cage match make. 

It's always a good thing when someone wearing a t-shirt reading
FUCK DONALD TRUMP appears live on CNN.

Despite its seemingly ad-hoc look, anti-UTR rally had an organizer, David Thurston. He was the fellow who introduced the opening acts -- speakers, poets, still more speakers -- and generally kept the crowd hopped-up for two hours before the official march. Thurston also gave directions for where people should march to, including  for those who were concerned about hearing "hurtful speech" from the other side. Yeah, those are the people you want in the foxhole next to you when things get tough. 

However, he also knew that there were plenty of people itching for a fight. Those marchers, he told a CNN reporter, had his approval to get into a scrap not only with the UTR morons but the cops as well -- but he himself would take the safe road instead. A regular General Patton he was: Let's you and him fight.

Something tells me I won't have much of a choice
come election day if this comes to pass.

I wouldn't be caught dead, alive, or comatose near a right-wing rally, other than to take pictures and laugh -- still the best reaction to these dopes. But as I watched the coverage of the "anti-hate" counter-rally on C-SPAN, I admit to feeling a little uneasy at many of the participants. Like the middle-aged guy who could have been a small-town mailman, holding a sign reading AMERICA WAS NEVER GREAT! THE SYSTEM NEEDS TO BE OVERTHROWN! while casually walking around as if working on his tan. 

No hate, no fear -- let's shoot people. 

Yup, the anarchists were just itching to get themselves and the white nationalists bloodied up. Anarchy has two definitions: 1) a state of disorder due to absence of authority; 2) absence of government and absolute freedom of the individual, regarded as the political ideal.

Neither of those choices appeal to me, because the individual's  "absolute freedom" likely doesn't include anyone who even thinks about disagreeing with them. The word "irony" is overused to the point of cliché, but sometimes you just can't help it. 

Get your program, you can't tell the good guys from the bad guys

without a program!

Too, there's something about the sight of young people hiding their faces behind bandanas like a squad of leftist Bazooka Joes with meth-crazed eyes that makes me uneasy. Sorry, kids, I associate that look with bad guys in old Westerns who ride into town shooting up the town square, busting up the saloon, and assaulting women before robbing the bank and galloping away in a cloud of dust. 

Now these guys look OK. And they make great oatmeal.

Tu wit: At the risk of sounding like the 62 year-old that I am, if you're afraid to show your face, I can only presume you're up to no good. And the folks on the news shows the following morning congratulating the anti-right marchers as all being on the side of angels should have watched the C-SPAN coverage rather than the cherry-picked spectacle on the other networks. 

White supremacists, fascists, the far right, whatever you want to call them, are horrible people. I wish them nothing but derisive laughter and lifelong impotency in every possible way. 

But nor do I care to associate with a march that welcomes gangs who essentially want the same outcome as the far right, only with different winners. The types who would burn down grocery stores that sold Israeli couscous because they consider it an occupying grain. Whenever they angrily shout, "Power to the people!", I wonder: which people?

Or, to quote another cliché: meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

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THE TESTAMENT OF DR. TRUMP

It would be a miracle if Trump didn't have a hold
on them.

Has there ever been a more powerful president than Donald Trump? I'm not talking political power. No, something more insidious: hypnotic. 

Seemingly everyone within spitting distance of a TV camera, microphone, or computer with internet connection needs to react immediately to whatever he says. My favorite news headline last week, regarding a certain publicity-hungry lawyer's appearance on Fox and Friends, read: ALAN DERSHOWITZ ON TRUMP'S TWEETS ABOUT MCCABE TEXT MESSAGES.

Commenting on comments about comments -- is that what we've come to? And not just any kind of comments, but "tweets". Thank God Twitter wasn't around in the 19th-century; the Gettysburg Address would have run about 100 tweets long -- taxing the attention span of any reader -- while Alan Dershowitz's great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather would have commented on Fox and Confederates.

German? Sorry, if it's not
in Russian, Trump isn't
 interested.

The more I study people's reactions to Trump, the more I believe that he is, in fact, a modern day Dr. Mabuse. If you've never seen Fritz Lang's classic movies about the criminal mastermind, this Wikipedia description is a good place to start:

Dr. Mabuse is a master of disguise and telepathic hypnosis known to employ body transference, most often through demonic possession but sometimes utilizing object technologies such as television or phonograph machines, to build a "society of crime". Mabuse rarely commits his crimes in person, instead operating primarily through a network of agents enacting his schemes. Mabuse's agents range from career criminals working for him, to innocents blackmailed or hypnotized into cooperation, to dupes manipulated so successfully they do not realize that they are doing exactly what Mabuse planned for them to do. 

Well, if you've ever watched Trump's fans react to his speeches, you've seen hypnosis in action. They believe every word he says no matter how facts contradicts him. Utilizing technologies? Television is Trump's best friend (after the guy in the Kremlin).

And re-read that final sentence with Trump in mind. Career criminals (Paul Manafort, Vladimir Putin), innocents (voters who thought he was going to drain the swamp and give them better healthcare and infrastructure), and dupes (the news media). Move over Mabuse, there's a new kingpin in town!

Now, the people in the news media will doubtless object being called Trump's dupes. But it was pretty clear who was running the show as I watched last Friday's morning news on my phone while, as usual, cleaning the bathroom. (No wonder I associate the news with the most unpleasant task of the day.)

MSNBC's Stephanie Ruhle was in her usual state of righteous indignation, this time regarding Trump's morning tweets (damn, do I have to use that word again?) about NFL players taking a knee during the national anthem.

Trump manipulating Stephanie Ruhle into making an idiot of
herself on live television.

This was like a TV critic reviewing a show being rerun for the third time. Ruhle rightly commented that Trump was using the NFL as a distraction from real news --  like the Manafort trial, the Mueller investigation, Trump lying about his idiot son's meeting with Russians, Rudy Giuliani's contradictory drunken rants regarding his client's more or less treasonous behavior, ad nauseum (literally).

Yet Ruhle made the NFL crap the top story, allowing it to run at least 20 minutes, even interviewing three "experts" -- while ignoring the real stories she had just mentioned. She even admitted that Trump was manipulating her. And each time I tuned into MSNBC that day, Trump's NFL tweets were all they were talking about, even as it was described on the bottom of the screen as BREAKING NEWS five hours later. 

Have news folks any strength to resist Dr. Trump? By their own admission, no.

The only difference between Mabuse and the president, then, is that Trump's dupes are fully aware they're being manipulated, but succumb any way -- just so they can proudly complain about it. Give Fox News credit: they're happy to be part of Trump's "society of crime making America great again".

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STRICTLY ON BACKGROUND, PT. 22: "A CRIME TO REMEMBER"

Sartorial experts say that a businessman needs 10 suits to his name. Being an extra, I find that the two in my closet -- both hand-me-downs from one of my brothers -- serve me quite well.

One in particular, a classy tan  number, has proven to be just the ticket when playing a newspaper photographer, whether for the Gotham Gazette or an unnamed Los Angeles daily. Even the tie, shoes, tie and fedora remain the same. Shutterbugs can't afford much more.

Ready when you are, C.B.

A Crime to Remember, like Grave Secrets (which I also worked on), is a "true crime" series on the Investigation Discovery cable network. Seeing that this particular episode took place in the early 1950s, authentic props were required. One of the extras, a camera collector, provided some from his own collection. After arriving at Jackie Robinson Park in Brooklyn (standing in for L.A.), he handed me a camera with a metallic plate that held the film. 

The camera buff had to teach me how to hold the thing with my left arm outstretched, then, with my right hand, slide out the plate, flip it over, and slide it back in for one more shot. 

If you think this sounds easy, then you need your ears examined. It took me at least 20 minutes not only to  do as instructed, but, being physically and mentally uncoordinated, actually understand it. At least on Gotham, I was given a regular 35mm Canon that any fool (i.e., me) could successfully pretend to use.

When the director first called "Action", I was still sweating out my photographic skills. This was made more difficult by not wearing my glasses, which were deemed too contemporary. But as the scene progressed, I became comfortable enough to look like I knew what I was doing (which is difficult under any circumstance).

Far right: my wife thinks I look like Warren Beatty in Bonnie & Clyde

in this shot, which proves either she's in love with me, or needs an
upgrade in her glasses prescription.

In the episode, my colleagues and I are covering a softball game played by local cops. By the third take, I had become more or less proficient with the camera. Luckily, the final cut features me doing nothing more physical than smiling. Maybe I was less proficient with the camera than I thought.

One of the perks of A Crime to Remember and Grave Secrets is that they use a fairly small number of extras, to the point where it's almost impossible not to get screen time. My first appearance was in a tight three-shot as the batter rounds third for home. (I can be glimpsed in the faux-home movie footage as well, which was shot with a different camera.)

The ballplayers are supposed to be the focus of the scene, but who can
take their eyes off the gentlemen of the press?

But I really hit the jackpot in my second shot, where the scene suddenly goes into slow-motion, allowing the audience to gaze upon my sleek figure... and wonder how a photographer can afford such nice duds. 

When we wrapped, the guy who provided the cameras (standing next to me in the two screenshots) told me I learned faster than most people he's taught. Maybe I've got a future in the past.

Another Crime to Remember perk is that the production lists the entire cast, including the extras, on imdb. My episode's page identifies me as Reporter #2. When you click on my name, it brings you to my very own page, where it says I'm "an actor known for A Crime to Remember". I wasn't aware I was known for anything, so I accept imdb's description with humble -- really humble -- appreciation.

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If you have a cable app that can access A Crime to Remember, my episode is titled "Badge of the Beast". Or you can watch this shaky video clip:

BREAKING NEWS: 8/3/18

Madonna is celebrating her upcoming 60th birthday with a fundraiser for orphans and children in Malawi.

She will also celebrate winning first place in a Liberace lookalike contest.

Julie Chen announced that she fully supports her husband, CBS CEO Les Moonves, despite several women bringing sexual harassment charges against him.

When asked why she's sticking with him despite the women's damning accounts, Chen said, "I could give you 70-million pre-tax reasons."

Sarah Douglas of Alberta, Canada, is suing her local McDonald's. The woman, 32 weeks pregnant, ordered a latte, but when she took a sip, discovered it was cleaning fluid.

Douglas realized the mistake because it tasted better than usual.








In related news, Trevor Walker is suing a McDonald's restaurant in Salt Lake City, Utah, for damages after being  served a soda that, it was later discovered, had been spiked with the heroin substitute buprenorphine.

Asked for a comment, a McDonald's spokesman said, "We used buprenorphine because liquor is illegal in Utah."

In further related news, an eight year-old girl in West Virginia was rushed to the emergency room after accidentally poking herself with a hypodermic needle in a McDonald's play area.

The McDonald's manager apologized, explaining that he hadn't received his shipment of buprenorphine yet.




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