BREAKING NEWS: 8/3/18

Madonna is celebrating her upcoming 60th birthday with a fundraiser for orphans and children in Malawi.

She will also celebrate winning first place in a Liberace lookalike contest.

Julie Chen announced that she fully supports her husband, CBS CEO Les Moonves, despite several women bringing sexual harassment charges against him.

When asked why she's sticking with him despite the women's damning accounts, Chen said, "I could give you 70-million pre-tax reasons."

Sarah Douglas of Alberta, Canada, is suing her local McDonald's. The woman, 32 weeks pregnant, ordered a latte, but when she took a sip, discovered it was cleaning fluid.

Douglas realized the mistake because it tasted better than usual.








In related news, Trevor Walker is suing a McDonald's restaurant in Salt Lake City, Utah, for damages after being  served a soda that, it was later discovered, had been spiked with the heroin substitute buprenorphine.

Asked for a comment, a McDonald's spokesman said, "We used buprenorphine because liquor is illegal in Utah."

In further related news, an eight year-old girl in West Virginia was rushed to the emergency room after accidentally poking herself with a hypodermic needle in a McDonald's play area.

The McDonald's manager apologized, explaining that he hadn't received his shipment of buprenorphine yet.




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