THE MUELLER NON-REPORT

Now this was worth talking about.

The usual suspects were likely in full-throated force last night across cableland following the handover of Robert Mueller's investigation. I say "likely" because what was the point of listening to groups of people sitting on a panel, around a table, or stacked Brady Bunch-style in high definition discussing something they hadn't even read? Hell, I can listen to my own opinion, even if my wife isn't interested.

I don't care what anybody says. The last thing big mouths of all political views wanted to have happen was the release of the Mueller Report. Which sounds like the name of a 15-minute news program circa 1954. "Live from Washington, The Mueller Report. Sponsored by Viceroy, the cigarette that filters the smoke!"

Maybe so, but not enough to elect Hillary.

Nope, nobody really wanted to know what Mueller had to say because the expectation was always going to be so much more fun than the reality. For the left, it was the idea that the Trump criminal gang was finally going to be brought down like an old Las Vegas casino: fast and loud, to the cheers of spectators close by and viewers at home. 

People actually believed the First Family would be languishing in prison before the 2020 election. I wish I had a dime for every laptop jockey who used the phrase "orange jumpsuit" in connection with anyone named or connected to Trump. Why, I would be as rich as Trump himself! Which is to say, not a billionaire like he claims, but a lot more rich than I am now. 

He was crucified for this?

For the right, it was the belief that their God-given President-for-Life (fingers crossed!) was not only innocent of every charge ever made against him ever ever ever in his life, but he would emerge stronger than ever, ready to continue his priorities: building a wall, basking in the support of racists and Neo-Nazis everywhere, and finally locking up Hillary Clinton -- even if only one of those items has come to pass. You choose.

As long as Mueller kept up his "witch hunt", the Trumpezoids could put aside any possible chance that the Idiot-in-Chief was guilty of collusion with Russia -- which, other possible crimes aside, is what this whole thing is about. So what if a bushel and a peck of Trump's advisors have been indicted? Trump didn't know! And if he did so what? It prevented you-know-who from getting elected.

William Barr OKs the cover-up.

Yet, Trump sure behaved like he was guilty of something... until a few days ago, when he decided, yeah, let everybody read the report. How generous! Me, I took it to mean that Attorney General William Barr already told the boss, Don't worry, nobody's going to know nothing, allowing Trump to shrug his shoulders. Hey, I wanted it released, but we've gotta follow the advice of the Attorney General. 

The most likely outcome is this: Trump's stooges were in deep with Putin's posse... about something or other... but there's no hard evidence that the bleach-blonde bozo in the Oval Office was in on it. No smoking cell phone, as it were.

Result: Trump's deranged 35% will hail Robert Mueller as a patriot, while the Daily Kos folks will wail that he was in the tank for Trump all along. After all, he's a Republican, right? And former head of the FBI -- which, until recently, was the Left's number one enemy.

This will lead to Trump's re-election in 2020 no matter who the Democrat nominee is. But don't be surprised if we have a Nixon redux, when the President resigns midway through his second term. A prediction like that should get me an appearance on Hardball any day now.

And would someone please tell Jesus to keep his nose out of our elections?


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DIPLOMAS FOR DUMMIES

The perfect combination: a young, stupid, ugly, Southern white woman.

It won't surprise you to learn (or re-learn) that I thoroughly enjoy when wide swaths of people live up to their stereotypes, like the young lady on the right. 

Many individuals would give me a mighty blowback for such an admission. But, speaking of admission, I believe those selfsame folks would heartily agree that, when it comes to getting into the best colleges, the game is rigged for -- and you know what I'm going to say -- the elite! 

The kids should have done it the old-fashioned way.

Finally, something that all of us truly agree upon! Rich people suck! Rich people suck! Rah rah rah! And to that, let's add another cheer: Rich kids are stupid! Rich kids are stupid! Sis boom bah!

How stupid? Some parents brought down in the college admissions scamalot had to pay as much as $6,000,000 to get little Buffy or Jared into school. That's a hella stupid right there, bub. Parents with that kind of dough could afford the best tutors in the world, and their kids still couldn't get into a decent school. 

Unfortunately, it didn't work for me.

And if they didn't have six million bucks under the sofa cushion, their conduit -- in this case William "Rick" Singer -- photoshopped the kids' faces onto photos of high school athletes in order to slide into college that much easier. They needed Singer to do it, because the kids were too stupid to do it themselves.

Even a scandal as juicy as this needs some recognizable names to goose it up to headline status, and here's where stereotypes come in handy again. Two of the people arrested, Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, are what the Fox News viewers describe as Hollywood libtards. Good work, ladies, now even libtards hate you!

Tell me you don't hate her. I dare you.

You know who else does? Your kids, for making all the world learn -- at the risk of repeating myself -- your kids are too fucking stupid to get into the colleges of your (not their) choice. 

Loughlin's little darling, Olivia Jade, made that quite clear when she admitted that she didn't care about getting an education, and was only going to school for the party experience  -- as if just being a rich Hollywood kid didn't provide her with enough of that.

But perhaps it didn't, for Olivia Jade shilled for Amazon Prime on her Twitter account, which has two million followers. You read that right, two million other idiots love, honor and obey a Hollywood rich kid who did nothing to earn an audience, other than being that most important of icons, an "influencer". That means two million other kids are going to cheat their way into college... and use Amazon Prime to ship new furniture to their dorm room.

Macy's just warming up the
jail cell for the little lady.

What I find most fascinating is that Felicity Huffman's husband, William H. Macy, wasn't arrested. There's no official explanation, but I figure it's probably as simple as letting wifey handle their little crime spree while he went to work on his TV series titled, appropriately, Shameless. Now you know why I let my wife handle our business affairs. You never know when the FBI is listening to your calls, and I want to make sure I've got plausible deniability. 

I'm not even sure why these parents risked a jail jolt sending kids to colleges that weren't going to do them any good to begin with. When your greatest achievement being a corporate pitchman, then a higher education is likely superfluous. 

Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin: from TV
stars to Google Image selection for "bribe".

These kids never had any intention of getting into medicine, science, or even professional sports anyway. This was all about the parents, who believed that a diploma from Yale (where the woman's soccer coach accepted $400,000 in bribes) USC (an administrator and water polo coach received over $1,500,000 in total), or the University of Texas (a paltry $100,000 for the tennis coach) would pave the road even smoother for their little bastards than it already was. 

Nice work! Now your kids risk being tossed out of school on their rich little asses. Which is maybe what the kids really want.

My daughter got into college on the strength of her grades, personality, and extracurricular activities. She graduated four years later with an A-average -- no cheating required. She and her lifetime friends want to change the world, not by being models or showbiz figures with famous last names, but by doing good things for others, whether it's through politics, environmental care, or making sure people have access to fresh, nutritious food. If only they were considered influencers. 

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A KUSHY JOB

"That's between me and my epidermal esthetician, sucker."

As Democrats prepare to prowl through the administration's nefarious, criminal, and possibly treasonous activities -- otherwise known as "The White House on a Good Day" -- one target stands out: Jared Kushner. 

Because when the Congressional Oversight Committee gets its hands on certain financial records, America will finally learn the deepest, darkest secret of this whole mess: How much money does Jared Kushner spend on chemical peels?

Even before Trump was president, Kushner was putting
him on the front page. 

That would be the best outcome for the only person not named Trump to call the President "Daddy". Consider: we're talking about a schnook who, overnight, went from publishing a New York newspaper nobody reads to a diplomat engaged in the most delicate negotiations in the world. 

No, not keeping Trump's mistresses paid off -- that's a man's job -- but bringing peace to the Middle East. And if you think Kushner is capable of climbing that mountain, you must be an out of towner. When 85% of the digital traffic of a New York newspaper is from outside the city, as was the New York Observer under Kushner's reign, rest assured it's because we know a dilettante when we see one. A dilly of a dilettante. 

Clearly, there's more to Jared Kushner than we've been led to believe. And I'm not talking about how security officials believed that he was stupid enough to be manipulated by foreign leaders the way Michael Jackson did 10 year-old boys. 

Look at enough photos of that smarmy, punchable face -- which appears to be a job requirement for everybody working for Trump -- and three theories come to mind.

Theory #1: Jared Kushner is an illegal alien. I mean, a real illegal alien, from another galaxy. Granted, this might be a bit of a stretch -- but so was Donald Trump being elected president! And Republicans condemning the FBI while supporting Vladimir Putin!  When Jared said, "Take me to your leader", he went through the daughter first -- literally.

Theory #2: In order to infiltrate America's youth, Jared was cloned from Ralf Hutter of Kraftwerk. Or was it Florian Schneider? Nah, it was -- Oh, who the hell knows. He looks like all four of those krauts! Once Kushner was slipped into place on stage and disc, our youth was hypnotized with relentless synthesized rhythms, and the next thing you know, they're all showroom dummies!

Theory #3: Jared Kushner was a mannequin brought to life in a secret Russian lab in order to disrupt and ultimately destroy the United States government from within. In fact, you could say the same about Ivanka. Say, isn't "Ivanka" a Russian name?! We might as well start referring to the President's official home as the Red House. 

Thanks a bunch, Jared. Or does Ogromnoye spasibo sound more familiar, you Russian showroom dummy, you?

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