A KUSHY JOB

"That's between me and my epidermal esthetician, sucker."

As Democrats prepare to prowl through the administration's nefarious, criminal, and possibly treasonous activities -- otherwise known as "The White House on a Good Day" -- one target stands out: Jared Kushner. 

Because when the Congressional Oversight Committee gets its hands on certain financial records, America will finally learn the deepest, darkest secret of this whole mess: How much money does Jared Kushner spend on chemical peels?

Even before Trump was president, Kushner was putting
him on the front page. 

That would be the best outcome for the only person not named Trump to call the President "Daddy". Consider: we're talking about a schnook who, overnight, went from publishing a New York newspaper nobody reads to a diplomat engaged in the most delicate negotiations in the world. 

No, not keeping Trump's mistresses paid off -- that's a man's job -- but bringing peace to the Middle East. And if you think Kushner is capable of climbing that mountain, you must be an out of towner. When 85% of the digital traffic of a New York newspaper is from outside the city, as was the New York Observer under Kushner's reign, rest assured it's because we know a dilettante when we see one. A dilly of a dilettante. 

Clearly, there's more to Jared Kushner than we've been led to believe. And I'm not talking about how security officials believed that he was stupid enough to be manipulated by foreign leaders the way Michael Jackson did 10 year-old boys. 

Look at enough photos of that smarmy, punchable face -- which appears to be a job requirement for everybody working for Trump -- and three theories come to mind.

Theory #1: Jared Kushner is an illegal alien. I mean, a real illegal alien, from another galaxy. Granted, this might be a bit of a stretch -- but so was Donald Trump being elected president! And Republicans condemning the FBI while supporting Vladimir Putin!  When Jared said, "Take me to your leader", he went through the daughter first -- literally.

Theory #2: In order to infiltrate America's youth, Jared was cloned from Ralf Hutter of Kraftwerk. Or was it Florian Schneider? Nah, it was -- Oh, who the hell knows. He looks like all four of those krauts! Once Kushner was slipped into place on stage and disc, our youth was hypnotized with relentless synthesized rhythms, and the next thing you know, they're all showroom dummies!

Theory #3: Jared Kushner was a mannequin brought to life in a secret Russian lab in order to disrupt and ultimately destroy the United States government from within. In fact, you could say the same about Ivanka. Say, isn't "Ivanka" a Russian name?! We might as well start referring to the President's official home as the Red House. 

Thanks a bunch, Jared. Or does Ogromnoye spasibo sound more familiar, you Russian showroom dummy, you?

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