MOVIE OF THE DAY: "HOLLYWOOD PARTY" (1934)

 No other movie represents the occasional downside of the old "assembly line" style of moviemaking and M-G-M's utter ineptitude in making zany comedies like Hollywood Party. What was planned as a straightforward all-star musical revue became, over the course of a year's creation, a ludicrous 68-minute musical comedy so disjointed that a new ending was tacked on explaining it was only a nightmare. Which most people considered it to be.

They look good even after their showers.

But you know what? I like Hollywood Party. In parts, anyway. By and large, it looks great, from James Wong Howe's classy cinematography to the massive art deco set where most of the movie takes place. One of the extravagant numbers features women taking showers, which seemed to be a legal requirement in those pre-code days. 

But then there's the story -- or, rather, idea for a story. Jimmy Durante has carved out a movie career as jungle hero Schnarzan. Having heard that audiences are tired of him fighting stuffed lions in his films, Durante throws a party in honor of the untrustworthy Baron Munchausen (Jack Pearl, in his final movie, thank God), who claims to have captured a half-dozen real lions. Competing with Durante for the lions is another jungle movie hero, Liondora. 

This leaves only 63 more minutes to kill before the movie ends, so it's up to the comedians to save whatever is left. And by comedians, I'm not talking about the inexplicably popular Charles Butterworth and Eddie Quillan, two of the most one-note actors in movie history, who get way too much screentime. 

What's sad is that he's in better shape than me.

Outside of the unfortunate talkies he made with the alcoholic Buster Keaton, Jimmy Durante is always welcome. The Schnarzan trailer we see in a theater scene (following another Metro picture, Queen Christina) is not only stupidly funny in a good way but shows why they're called trailers -- they used to trail the feature rather than appearing before them. Props, too, for looking like a real Metro trailer, too. 

The Stooges enjoy their last big budget movie.

If Durante isn't up your alley, wait roughly 35 minutes for a brief appearance by Ted Healey & The Three Stooges as, respectively, a photographer and autograph hounds. "The boys" aren't mentioned in the opening credits, so either M-G-M thought so little of them (the Stooges decamped to Columbia later that year) or their scene was hastily filmed after the credits were created. No need to describe what they do here -- you can probably figure it out yourself and still laugh when you see it.

Mickey's pissed that Disney loaned him out to
 be in this mess.

Mickey Mouse drops by to introduce a weird Technicolor Disney cartoon short about a war between chocolate soldiers and gingerbread men, all of whom are eventually crippled, blown to bits, or melt in the sun. No wonder Disney parceled this thing out to M-G-M. Even by my standards, it's a disturbing seven minutes.

Stan reminds Ollie to get this scene done in one 
take so they can get back to the Hal Roach 
studio, pronto.

Only one -- make that two -- comedians rivaled Mickey Mouse in popularity at the time, so top-billed Laurel & Hardy stroll in 10 minutes before the end of Hollywood Party to show us what comedies are supposed to be. Their tit-for-tat egg-smashing bit with Lupe Velez was probably dreamed up by Stan Laurel a half hour before filming, but is nevertheless the undisputed highlight of the movie, and further proof that he and Hardy were geniuses at turning the simplest bits into hilarious set pieces. Watch Ollie's face in close-up as one icky broken egg slides down the front of his pants and a second down the back, as he silently registers shock, disgust and, finally, relief, in just a matter of seconds. Brilliant. 

Nobody in this scene listed Hollywood Party 
on their resumes. 

For a musical with three songwriting teams, Hollywood Party doesn't have much in the way of good songs. One number, "Hello", is clearly "influenced" by Animal Crackers'  "Hooray for Captain Spaulding", while "I've Had my Moments", rips off the melody from "Dinner at Eight". You know Rodgers & Hart didn't knock themselves out writing the title theme, although the proto-rap song they gave Durante, "Reincarnation", is just bizarre enough to be amusing. Or vice-versa.

As for Hollywood Party's other creators, only two of its screenwriters are listed in the credits, which features none of the eight directors (nine, if you include Walt Disney) who cycled through it. You can tell what the studio itself thought of the movie by holding the world premiere over 2,000 miles away in Atlanta. 

While Hollywood Party isn't the utter disaster history has made it out to be, it makes sense that the biggest names in the movie, Mickey Mouse and Laurel & Hardy, had to be loaned to M-G-M for their appearances. Otherwise, there really wouldn't have been much of a party at all. 

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 A year before Hollywood Party, Jimmy Durante, Jack Pearl, and Ted Healy & The Three Stooges appeared in another misguided M-G-M comedy, Meet the Baron, which you can read about here.

MOVIE OF THE DAY: "MYRT AND MARGE" (1933)

As with M-G-M'S Meet the Baron, Universal's Myrt and Marge makes the mistake of believing that radio success automatically insures a hit movie. While the former's lead character Baron Munchausen is endlessly annoying, the vaudevillians Myrt & Marge (in real life, the mother/daughter duo of Myrtle Vail and Donna Demoral) have all the screen presence of a wet sidewalk. 

Perhaps that's why they're surrounded by experienced character actors Eddie Foy, Jr., Thomas Jackson, and Trixie Friganza (whose very name would soon become a shorthand reference for washed-up entertainers).

Thomas Jackson stares down Trixie, Myrt, Marge,
and Eddie in a round of "Who's The Most
Forgotten Actor".

There's nothing particularly original about Myrt and Marge' story. A struggling theatrical troupe tries bringing their revue to New York, while dealing with their horny investor who wants to make it with the ingenue. You think he's in this for his health?

The score won't make you forget 42nd Street or any of the great Warner Bros.' musicals of the time, seeing that Myrt & Marge has two mediocre songs repeated ad nauseum. As for the choreography, well, Eddie Foy, Jr. has some nice eccentric tap steps. And I suppose the who-the-hell-are-they Colonette Ballet are OK, even if there's nothing remotely ballet about them. 

Now this is entertainment.

So what's the point of watching Myrt and Marge? The same thing that makes Meet the Baron a must-see for certain movie fans: co-stars Three Stooges (credited as Howard, Fine & Howard) with their mentor Ted Healy. 

And unlike their occasional appearances in features, here Ted and the Stooges are a fully integrated part of Myrt and Marge's story. In fact, they're first seen roughly 30 seconds into the movie, and keep turning up every few minutes. You'd almost think someone at Universal knew this picture needed some genuine laughs.

And for Stooge aficionados, those laughs come fast and furious. Similar to Meet the Baron, their material is so much better and precisely Stoogesque than what surrounds them that they and Healy must have written it themselves. More than any of their pre-Columbia features, Myrt and Marge presents "the boys" the way their fans like them, complete with the familiar sound effects for slaps, smacks and pokes, along with the guttural "Oh!" accompanying their pratfalls.

Many Stoogephiles look upon Ted Healy as they do rabies, but to me he's not only funny, but is David Letterman-like in his dry delivery and can-you-believe-this style, only funnier. Yes, I said it: Ted Healy is funnier than David Letterman. 

If nothing else, Healy haters should appreciate how Moe later adapted Healy's bossy persona, right down to grumbling "Recede!" when his cohorts get out of line. Curly even got his "woo-woo-woo!" from Ted. Give the guy some credit. 

The inimitable gusto of Bonnie Bonnell.

Joining Ted and the Stooges is the inexplicable Bonnie Bonnell, who at the time was part of their stage act (and, offstage, Healy's bed). Bonnell's style is difficult to describe in words other than "confounding", "bizarre", and "dumbfounding". Her voice manages to be both flat and too on-the-nose, with a delivery that suggests Frances Farmer's notorious post-lobotomy appearance on This is Your Life. As for her jokes, here's a sample exchange:

MOE: Hey, how old are you?

BONNIE: Well, the last time I was home, I hopped on my mother's knee and said, "Daddy, how old am I?"

TED: You hopped on your mother's knee and said, "Daddy, how old am I?"

BONNIE: Sure.

MOE: Oh, you call your mother "Daddy".

BONNIE: Soitenly!

TED: You know, this may be a personal question but what do you call your Daddy?

BONNIE: Oh, we don't call him, he has an alarm clock!

Overall, Bonnie seems to be aping Gracie Allen's scatterbrain persona, only without the latter's charm, timing, or winning personality. I've never been able to figure out if she's the most untalented woman to step in front of a movie camera, or the most ahead-of-her-time subversively funny. All I can tell you is once she broke up with Ted Healy, she never made another movie. 

Clarence is appalled that nobody else is as
well-dressed as him.

The only person to rival the Stooges for sheer hilarity is Ray Hedge as Clarence, the troupe's out-and-proud costumer, who makes Franklin Pangborn look like Victor Mature. 

As if realizing the days of such characters were coming to an end, Myrt and Marge's writers give Clarence as many gay jokes as they can, which he delivers in the typical singsong style of the time. Woke audiences of today wouldn't approve, but if you're hep to pre-code movies, double-entendre exchanges like the following are always fun:

CLARENCE: (helping a former investor with his overcoat) I hope you stick this lovely coat in your assets.

INVESTOR: You wouldn't wear it unless it had lace on it.

Even the Stooges get into the pre-code game during the final musical number, positioning themselves to look straight up the dancers' dresses, something they never would have gotten away with a year later.   

Vilmos Zsigmond couldn't have done it better.

The only other person connected to Myrt and Marge worth mentioning is director Al Boasberg, and that's because he's the guy who dreamed up the stateroom scene in A Night at the Opera. He does, however, provide one nice touch when filming the title characters in a mirror's reflection. I'm easily impressed that way.

 Myrt and Marge is a good watch on YouTube, seeing that it's only 62 minutes long and is one of those movies where the supporting actors completely overshadow the alleged stars. At least it gives Myrt and Marge themselves a chance to be briefly remembered, even while being completely ignored. 

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   To read about Ted Healy and the Three Stooges in Meet the Baron, go here.                                            

MOVIE OF THE DAY: "THE LONGEST NIGHT" (1936)

Some movies are worth watching because they're great. Some, simply because
they're good, Others, because they're strange, or even ridiculous.

Then there's The Longest Night, a movie that falls into its own category: worth watching -- once -- just because it exists. Told essentially in real time, it's the story of  Charley Phelps, who solves two (or was it three?) murders connected to a crime ring operating out of his department store. Oh, and it's a romantic comedy! Are you laughing yet? 

There are more suspects than there are reels, because The Longest Night runs only 51 minutes. Either there was a lot of work going on in post-production, or it was a short subject that got out of hand. And this is an M-G-M movie! Even Monogram pictures were at least 10 minutes longer.

So there's one reason to watch it: by the time you're ready to give up on it, it's over. (It's one of those movies that's best watched late in the evening, when your expectations are lowered).  Then there are the two other reasons. 

Not even Young's co-stars can believe the dreck
that the studio puts him in.

Well, let's make it three, just because I'm a nice guy. And you know who else is? Robert Young. People of my age always associate him with two TV series: Father Knows Best and Marcus Welby M.D., so it often comes as a shock to see him in movies 80 or so years old. 

It must have been frustrating for Young, as a Metro contract player, to have leads in Bs like The Longest Night, and very small supporting roles in his few As at the time. Particularly when the very same year as The Longest Night, he was loaned to out to Alfred Hitchcock (still working in the UK) who cast him in Secret Agent alongside John Gielgud! No wonder Young became an alcoholic.

Ted squints his eyes to make sure he's not acting
opposite Mitch McConnell.

Reason number two for viewing The Longest Night is Ted Healy as the archetypal stupid cop. Known by no one other than wackos like me, Healy is the guy who put together Three Stooges. The handful of movies they made at Metro, with Ted as their ringleader, irritate Stooge fans today who resent this alleged outsider hogging the spotlight. 

Over the years, I've warmed up to Healy, especially when he's working solo (he and the Stooges parted ways in 1934). There's something dry and oddly witty about his fast-talking style when playing a conman or reporter. But watch him in The Longest Night, where he's a little more low-IQ than usual, and you can see just how influential he was. From his delivery to his double-takes and slapstick physicality, it's obvious that Moe Howard took Ted Healy's entire shtick when he became the top Stooge. Yes, Stooge fans, I like Ted Healy, So there.

"Confucius say, Man who owns department store --
wait, wrong movie."

Once Sidney Toler (a/k/a reason number three), as the detective in charge of the investigation, opens his mouth, he's instantly identifiable as the guy who took over as Charlie Chan after the death of Warner Oland.

When I say identifiable, I'm not kidding.  I could put it down to being aware he was Charlie Chan. But you could show The Longest Night -- or any non-Chan Toler movie, for that matter -- to anybody, and they'd say, "Why's he talking with a Chinese accent?" And here's the thing: watch him long enough and he starts to look Chinese. Either Sidney Toler was a total stiff or a real-life shapeshifter.

Not their best movie, but at least Groucho is funnier
than Sidney Toler.

Three actors and one short running time: those are the reasons to watch The Longest Night.. But wait, there's more, and even odder than anything else. Five years later, it was remade as The Big Store starring the Marx Brothers in their final Metro picture. Same plot, same character names, only with music, even more of a romantic subplot, and Groucho in the Sidney Toler role. 

Although The Big Store runs 1'23", it probably contains only 51 minutes of genuine entertainment. That should tell you something about both movies. But at least The Longest Night is upfront about it.

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 For more on young Robert Young, go here.

For more on Ted Healy, go here.

For more on Sidney Toler, go here.