BREAKING NEWS: 6/6/16

Boxing legend Muhammed Ali, 74, died in Arizona  after a long battle with Parkinson's Disease.

While celebrated as one of the greatest athletes of all time, Ali is being mourned by B-list celebrities as a prop for creepy, self-aggrandizing photos even though he had no idea who the hell they were.

Theatre producer Sally Humphreys, 37, has given birth to twin girls. The father is her husband, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood. 

Scientists have described the event as a major breakthrough in the cloning of dinosaurs.

Ken Shupe, a tow-truck driver in South Carolina who supports Donald Trump, said that God told him to leave a disabled driver stranded on Interstate-26 because she had a Bernie Sanders sticker on her car. 

When asked for a response, God told reporters, "Shupe didn't understand what I meant when I told him to get lost."

Elsewhere in South Carolina, pastor Phil Vander Ploeg has asserted that world’s “only” existing atheists live in “America and Europe.

In related news, a poll shows that the world's "only" existing idiots don't all live in South Carolina; it only seems that way.

An unidentified man has submitted a restraining order against God in an Israeli court for interfering in his life after three years of poor treatment.

When asked for a comment, God said, "Now do you understand the shit I have to deal with on a regular basis?"

  

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