BREAKING NEWS: 2/26/16

A man was slashed with a sharp object in a midtown New York subway today, making him the 533rd slashing or stabbing victim in the city so far this year.

Mayor Bill de Blasio has urged New Yorkers not to worry, advising them, "Just stay home until this whole thing blows over. You'd be nuts to go outside now."

Pedro Urresta claims he was denied service at a Krystal fast-food restaurant in Irondale, Alabama, because he was in his policeman’s uniform.

Krystal manager Thomas Dixon, Jr. said, "It's a dirty lie. We refused service to him because he was a spic."

An airliner in China was forced to return to the airport when a rat was discovered onboard.

A spokesman for the airline explained that it had accidentally escaped from the "meat" section of the dinner choices.

Paul Lee, the president of the ABC Entertainment Group, is departing amid low ratings, and has been replaced by Channing Dungey, the first African-American woman to head a broadcast TV network.

ABC spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "I'm confident that this will prove once and for all that women are just as adept at programming shitty TV series as men."

During an interview with Yahoo News, Bernie Sanders' wife Jane insisted that, despite his age, her husband is "very athletic."

Ms. Sanders explained, "For instance, he has absolutely no problem running to the bathroom five times in the middle of the night."

                                                   *****************************

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DOLLS

Ron Reagan, the son of the former president, once felt obliged to defend himself and his wife from people who wanted to know why they didn't have children. I can't locate the exact quote word for word, but it was something like, Well, we have four dogs, and that's like having kids. All of you who have kids of your own can agree with that, right? Right?

No, nothing equals the raising of a child, with all the wonder, love, and worry it entails. Unless your one of the new breed of women called Reborners. And in keeping with their name, Reborners are something of a religion. The New York Post reports:

Rockabye, plastic...

The Reborn community is a tight-knit, creative class of mostly women who create, collect and role-play with dolls that look so much like real babies, they’re spooky and beautiful all at once.

Go to YouTube and search “Reborn doll”and you’ll find more than 90,000 videos from people of all ages showing off their incredibly realistic, hand-painted dolls and role-playing with them in ways that feel both playful and intensely intimate.

Make it stop!

Not to mention intensely Twilight Zone-ish. These aren't little girls playing Mommy, but mommies playing Mommy. Yes, many of these women have real, flesh-and-blood kids who do annoying things that kids do -- eat, throw up, have bowel movements, etc. What better way to have a perfect baby than to have a phony one?

Not that it's as much fun to make the Reborn babies as it does real ones:

Reborn dolls weigh 4 to 5 pounds and have weighted limbs and a cloth body that give them the feel of a real baby. The head is also filled with glass beads to give it the floppy likeness of an actual newborn.

Shh. Don't wake the, uh, thing...

They're not the only ones glass beads for brains. These women are so into these dolls that they bring them on errands and walk them around Disneyland in strollers. Don't believe me? There's a whole page of of 'em on YouTube for you to ooh, ahh, and gag over.


As for what other people think of this kind of behavior, Reborner Stephanie Ortiz assures us, Trump-like, that public interactions are "amazing," adding, "I've never had any negative comments."

You know why, Steph? Because people think you're crazy, and just want to get the hell away from you as fast as possible. Not that it bothers her:

And despite any backlash she may encounter, Ortiz says she’s only becoming more inspired to film more serious role-play videos with her dolls and go on adventurous outings.

OK, there's nothing wrong with harmless hobbies. But what would you think if you saw me dragging around one of my movie posters in public and interacting with the images as if they were real people? At least I save that for the privacy of my home.

There was a time when when Reborners were called "nuts," and committed to the local cracker factory. Now Stephanie Ortiz is free to drag herself out of bed at one in the morning to change her doll's diapers. Man, I would so love to see her go at it with Ron Reagan as to which one has it the hardest.

                                                          *********************

BREAKING NEWS: 2/23/16

Historians Jonathan Mayo and Emma Craigie have discovered medical records proving Adolf Hitler had a "tiny deformed penis" with just one testicle.


Donald Trump welcomed the news, boasting, "That shows I'm not like Hitler as my critics claim, because I'm the biggest dick in this race!"

The White House's Council of Economic Advisers is warning there is an 83% chance that robots will eventually take over low-wage positions.

The exception to the "low-pay rule" would be if Marco Rubio is elected president.

Celebrity endorsements for the current crop of presidential candidates has grown, with Dick Van Dyke supporting Bernie Sanders.

Speaking at a Sanders rally, Van Dyke explained, "It's time for a younger generation in the White House." 

Mohammad Guddu, a construction worker, has survived despite being impaled by a seven-foot rod that skewered his skull.

Presidential candidate Ted Cruz told reporters, "This outcome proves once and for all that the federal Occupational Safety board is unnecessary."

Svetlana Travis, the hooker choked by disgraced Gov. Eliot Spitzer at the Plaza Hotel last week, was evicted last year from an apartment because it was being used as a brothel.

Asked for a comment, Spitzer said, "Hey, where else am I gonna meet women?"

Human-resources software company Zenefits had to send an email to its employees requesting they stop drinking on the job and engaging in sex in the office stairwells.

"Who do you think you are," the email demanded, "Eliot Spitzer?"

                                                                         *****************

HILLARY CLINTON THROUGH HISTORY

JULY 4, 1776: 

"You know, this whole 'All men are created equal' business -- sure, it's a nice idea. Who wouldn't like equality for all? But this is all pie-in-the-sky. You need to be pragmatic about these things."

SEPTEMBER 22, 1863:

"Freeing all the slaves, at once? I mean, come on. Who's going to pay for that? And oh yeah, I'm sure President Lincoln's kids are really going to pick cotton. No, let's think about what this so-called Emancipation Proclamation is really going to entail."

JUNE 1, 1869:

"... And I say to my critics, yes, I'm proud to be the first woman to address the business owned by my good friend Marcus Goldman."

FEBRUARY 1, 1905:

"I'd like my good friend Teddy Roosevelt explain just how we're going to manage 230 million acres of forests when Americans can barely get rid of the weeds in their yards. It makes no sense."


MAY 27, 1935:

"National Recovery Administration -- it's a wonderful concept, you know, giving people jobs building roads and bridges, clearing forests, supporting theaters and artists. Too bad it's all a fantasy."

AUGUST 14, 1935:

"No one respects President Roosevelt more than I do. But this alleged Social Security -- taking a portion of people's salary and putting it away for their old age -- it's just nonsense.  We already have banks for that. And hello, what about Wall Street?"

JULY 2, 1964:

"Civil rights -- it sounds good. Who's against civil rights? It's civil and it's right. But the idea of giving everybody the same rights all at once -- it can't be done. Let's take what we have already -- segregation, voter disenfranchisement, the Klan running wild in the South -- and, you know, chip away at it, bit by bit."

JULY 30, 1965:

"Medicare is never going to work. Period."

                                                                          ***********

PIROUETTING ME CRAZY

It's the little things, you know? The little things that are the most irritating. Yet I've actually gotten better at dealing with them, no longer muttering insults at annoying people I pass by on the street. Oh, the temptation is still there, but I listen to my better angels -- all 2/3 of them -- and go on my way, secure in the fact that I'm better than most.

Saturday was tough, though. Put it down to the sub-zero wind chills or the long wait at Fairway's alleged "express" lane. (Fifteen minutes is express when you're on the subway to Brooklyn, not at the grocery store checkout.)

It was a long line, over two dozen of us trying to get back home before the Polar Vortex killed us all. A woman roughly my age was directly in front of me. More concerned with keeping my goat cheese brie, baguette, and Boar's Head salami from squashing one another in my basket, I paid no attention to her.

Until.

Reasonable facsimile.

Perhaps she had just come from a ballet class. Or she wanted to keep moving so she wouldn't freeze. No matter. She started going up and down, her legs apart, knees sticking out to the sides as if she were onstage at the Met. 

Down. Up. Down. Up.

Alright, fine, she wanted to stay limber. She was admittedly in good shape for an old goat, I had to give her credit. Let her go up and down in her private Swan Lake.

But then she had to take it a step further, putting one foot behind the other in opposite directions like in the Gitmo torture room. 

Down. Up. Down. Up.

I was starting to feel it now -- the pointless enmity for someone who isn't hurting me in any way. Having learned to ignore or laugh at such things,   it was strange to experience these familiar feeling again.

Let it go, I told myself, let it go. It makes no difference to you.

And it did't.

Until.

The line was moving now, faster than before. Everybody shuffled closer to the cashier -- except this geriatric Pavlova. This was her turn to leap ahead, toes pointed down, as she lost herself in a pa d'une. And keep on leaping as the line moved forward. 

You might have thought it amusing, or lovely, or a welcome distraction. You are not me. And how lucky you are for it. For I was one arabesque short of a meltdown.

Stop it! I silently screamed. Just stop it! Enough of the leaps, the pointy toes, the twisted feet! This is a grocery store, not a stage! Nobody's going to throw you a bouquet of flowers or yell "Brava!" as you leave the store! You're in shape, we get it -- now just move the hell up the line and go home to your barre, your pink ballet slippers, your tutu. Oh, and your cats! I just know you have cats that you refer to as your "children"! 

But I kept my feelings to myself. My blood was on high, but didn't boil. And I didn't shove anyone out of my way when I left the store. All that, ultimately, makes me a good person. 

It was, then, a good day.

                                                    ***********************

BREAKING NEWS: 2/12/16

Producer David Hill told Variety that this year's Academy Awards telecast "will be the most diverse ever."

Hill promised, "I mean, you're going to see so many different kinds of white people -- tall, short, some with facial hair, some without. And the women -- blondes, blondes with extensions, blondes without extensions. Hoo boy, is it going to be diverse!"


A satiric Doritos commercial featuring the ultrasound image of an unborn baby reaching for his father's Doritos was slammed in a National Abortion Rights Action League tweet for "humanizing fetuses."

 "How can we believe in human fetuses," it went on to say, "since we're a bunch of jackasses?"





Heidi Cruz said  that her husband, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), was showing America "the face of the God that we serve" through his faith-based Republican presidential campaign.

Asked for a comment, God's spokesman told reporters, "He's the Almighty -- do you think he'd make Himself look like that?"





Madonna lookalike Chris America has gone as far as having a dentist drill a gap between her front teeth so her smile is just like the singer's.

Chris' next step is to drill a hole in her brain to make her IQ just like Madonna's as well.






Communists in Russia have threatened to blockade the country's oldest movie studio if it goes ahead to make a biopic of Nikolai Lenin starring Leonardo DiCaprio.

"Such a casting would be a travesty," they added. "It's Seth Rogen or nobody!





                                           **********************

SAVING THE WORLD, ONE LAWSUIT AT A TIME

We New Yorkers take a backseat to no one when it comes to sophisticated thinking. Unfortunately, there are others -- all under 35 -- who take offense at anything as easily as they do soy milk in their grande latte. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please meet 33 year-old Justin Renel Joseph, who's suing the Metropolitan Museum of Art because:

Would you sue over this painting?

certain paintings at the Met present Jesus as a blonde-haired, fair-skinned, Aryan man, which he described as a "whitewashing" of Jesus's appearance and a "cultural theft of an important historical and public figure." 

 

Now, there are other reasons to take offense at the Met. Like the employees who give you dirty looks if you offer anything less than the "suggested" $20 entry fee. Or those sticky tags that you have to wear in your lapel proving that you forked over your money. And while we're at it, what about the ham-and-cheese omelette -- excuse me, souffle -- for 24 bucks at the Met's restaurant? That's worth suing over. 

Let's learn a little more about our plaintiff.

Joseph, who describes himself as a Christian, bi-racial male of Hebrew and African descent, went to the Met on Nov. 26 and said he was offended by how Jesus was painted by Renaissance-era artists, including Pietro Perugino, Jacopo Tintoretto, and Francesco Granacci, according to the lawsuit.

Christian, bi-racial male of Hebrew and African descent -- man, that's a double hat-trick of offense just waiting to happen. And all over a bunch of obscure paintings by artists nobody knows whose names can't be pronounced without sounding like Daffy Duck. 

Thanks to the Whitney,
balloon animals are now considered
art.

Not that I don't get what this guy is feeling. I take offense at most of what I see at the Museum of Modern Art and the Whitney -- New York's two major depositories for what their curators don't realize is a gigantic in-joke at their expense. It's kind of psychological trompe l'oiel. 

But I react by avoiding those fun-houses. Joseph's reaction? 

"Lowered self-esteem, discomfort, personal and emotional distress and to feel rejected and unaccepted by society."

OK, so I feel kind of rejected and unaccepted by society when I call out most of modern art for the bullshit that it is. That's fine. In fact, my self-esteem rises in reaction to society's rejection. I feel quite comfortable and enjoy much contentment as a result. Justin, you don't like the artwork? Don't go to the museum. 

In case you were wondering, Justin Renel Joseph is described on his Twitter feed as a "Philosopher" -- apparently the philosophy of Too Much Time on My Hands -- and "Writer of the book, The Universe from Nothing to Love." If you're interested, you can download it to your Kindle for a mere 99 cents. There are no reviews, so your purchase might be something of a crapshoot. 

What's more interesting is that Joseph runs something called Humanity Project, which, according to its site, "advocates for the underprivileged members of our global community, no matter their color, gender, sexual orientation, place of birth, beliefs or age." I bet that doesn't include Renaissance-era artists.

Still, Humanity Project looks like a good and noble idea -- even if its Facebook page hasn't been updated since mid-December -- the same week, in fact, Joseph stopped updating his Twitter feed (two followers!) and not long after he sued the Met. Lawsuits take a lot of time away from saving the world.

                                                                  *****************

BREAKING NEWS: 2/9/16

Hamas says it has killed one of its own commanders over unnamed “moral and behavioral violations.”

While the details are unconfirmed, Hamas leader Aljins Alameiz was overheard complaining, "If I told him once, I told him a thousand times -- virgin goats only!"

Researchers at the University of Aberdeen have concluded that the female brain isn't wired for weight loss.

The study was financed by Godiva Chocolates. 

The partner of a rookie NYPD officer on trial for killing an unarmed man in Brooklyn told jurors  that he didn't make any attempts to revive the victim because the police academy had helped him cheat on his CPR certification test.

As the cop explained, "Look, If I wanted to save lives, I'd've gone to med school, alright?""


An animal shelter in Bristow, Oklahoma has come under intense criticism for euthanizing dogs by shooting them.

The shelter apologized, and promised instead to drown them head first in the toilet.



At a  rally for Hillary Clinton in Manchester, NH, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright rebuked young women who were supporting Bernie Sanders, warning them, "There's a special place in hell for women who don't support each other!"

Albright added, "By the way, this doesn't go for women named Lewinsky or Fiorina. Then you can defame the shit out of them!"

In related news, Gloria Steinem said she was misunderstood when she told Bill Maher that young women prefer Bernie Sanders to Hillary Clinton because "that's where the boys are."

"What I meant to say," Steinem explained, "was that young women have no idea what they're doing, and instead should listen to out-of-touch geriatric women who think it's still 1967. Is that clear?"


Scientists have been asked to verify claims that a man died after being hit by a meteorite in southern India.

If verified, it would be the first case of someone being killed by a fallen star since Nicole Brown Simpson.



                                          **************

WHERE THE BOYS ARE: 2016

Feminist icon Gloria Steinem has drawn the wrath of the Twitterverse for suggesting that young women supporting Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign are doing so to gain the attention of men.

“When you’re young, you’re thinking, ‘Where are the boys? The boys are with Bernie,'” Steinem told Bill Maher Friday night on the comic’s HBO show “Real Time.”

(To sing along, use the instrumental version at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty70YjPdBqc)

Where the boys are

Someone waits for Bern.

A craggy face, a slower pace,

With two feet shufflin' to the lectern.

Where the boys are

I will find myself.

Steinem claims I have no brain --

My liberation's on the shelf.

In a crowd of a million voters

I'll tell him I'm all his,

And then I'll go right online and cancel

My subscription to Ms.

Steinem's claiming

Here's all I truly yearn:

Where the boys are

Where the boys are

Where the boys are

I'll put out for Bern.

                                        ******************************

BREAKING NEWS: 2/5/16

A Mexican family of six has been found dead in an apparent murder/suicide in Chicago.

Donald Trump remarked, "Well, that's one way of taking care of it."

Authorities have confiscated $39-million worth of counterfeit NFL merchandise just days before the Super Bowl.

In a statement to the press, Commissioner Roger Goodell said, "This was an important day for us. Only the NFL has the right to rip off its fans."

A study has shown that more babies were born to poor families in Texas when the state stopped funding Planned Parenthood in 2013.

In defending the move, Gov. Rick Perry said, "Hey, somebody's gotta shop at Walmart."






A so-called "pro-rape" rally set to take place in New York's Washington Square Park on Saturday has been canceled, out of concern that police could no longer guarantee the safety of the men who want to attend.

An overwhelming number of New Yorkers polled said that was exactly why the rally should go on as scheduled.

The fourth most Googled search regarding Bernie Sanders following Thursday's Democratic debate was, "How to donate to Bernie Sanders."

When learning of that, Hillary Clinton cackled, "Shit, baby, Wall Street has me on speed dial!"

                                                  ***************************

BREAKING NEWS: 2/4/16

In order to stop the rising number of crimes on New York subways, Police Commissioner Bill Bratton has ordered cops to wake up sleeping passengers.

"And the next step," Bratton told reporters, "is preventing people from going on the subway in the first place. I don't know why we didn't think of this before!"

Sumner Redstone, 92, has resigned as chairman of CBS.

Redstone said he wanted to spend more time with middle-aged floozies who are content to wipe spittle off his food-stained necktie in order to eventually contest his will.


ISIS has released photos of a disabled terrorist in a wheelchair who crucified an alleged spy.

In response, Secretary of State John Kerry said, "While there is more work to be done in that region, we applaud ISIS for their sense of inclusiveness."

A website quoted former NSA official John C. Inglis saying that the number one threat to America's electrical grid is squirrels.

Donald Trump has promised to send all the squirrels back to Mexico where they came from.



Three men in India have been sentenced to death for raping a 20 year-old woman and murdering her before throwing her body down a well.

The men protested the sentence, asking, "Wait, you mean that isn't legal in India?"

In other Indian news, a disabled woman claims she was forced to crawl off a plane and onto the tarmac at a New Delhi airport when nobody provided a wheelchair for her.

A spokesman for the airline said, "Hey, it could've been worse. I mean, she could've been raped, murdered and thrown down a well."


Marc Nicholls of Australia says he was left disgusted and feeling sick after biting into what he thought was a premium chicken breast from KFC, only to find he'd nearly swallowed a large intact lung.

KFC took action by banning cell phone cameras from their restaurants.

A class-action lawsuit has been filed in California against McDonald's claiming that the chain's mozzarella sticks don't contain cheese.

A McDonald's spokesman promised to make it up to the customers by serving them mozzarella sticks filled with chicken lungs.




                                                      *************************

BREAKING NEWS: 2/3/16

The Chick-fil-A fast food chain has claimed that people can lose weight by eating 8 of its chicken nuggets every 3 to 4 hours.

As Chick-fil-A spokesman Brad Lanes explained, "You know a better way of throwing up?"

John William Holland, a weatherman for KMVT-TV in Idaho, was arrested for felony rape after a woman claimed he placed his hand on her throat during a violent sex attack in his home.

Holland's future is stormy with a 90% chance of being called "Sally" by his future cellmate.


Tata Motors of India has been forced to change the name of its Zica auto in order for it not to be confused with the Zika virus.

The car will now be called Zmallpox.

The Washington, DC city council has unanimously approved a bill that includes a proposal to pay 200 known lawbreakers up to $9,000 a year not to commit any crimes.

Upon hearing the news, an anonymous Congressman told a reporter, "Shit, we get paid 20 times that to do whatever the hell we want!"


An 84-year-old widow in Minnesota has been sent a letter by the church she has attended for the last 50 years, saying she cannot be buried in the plot next to her husband because of how irregularly she goes to services.

The letter added, however, that the church would reconsider if she dropped off a dozen or so little boys at the back door after midnight.

An ex-Soviet agent claims that Josef Stalin made his spies examine the excrement of foreign leaders for clues about their personalities.

Unsurprisingly, the spies discovered they were all full of shit.



Clifford Ray Jones of Detroit was killed when he was ejected through the sunroof of his car while driving along the highway with his pants down and masturbating to porn being shown on his cellphone. 

Jones' family is suing the city for not making it clear that it was against the law.

Bernie Sanders has attributed his stamina in the presidential campaign to being a long-distance runner in high school.

"In fact," he added, "that was how I delivered the mail before the Pony Express."


In related news, at a press conference Hillary Clinton said she was more attuned to the problems of the middle class than Bernie Sanders.

Afterwards, she charged the reporters $250,000 for her comments.

                                                       *********************