BREAKING NEWS: 8/13/15

A day after he was let go for breaking the jaw of New York Giants teammate Geno Smith, Ikemefuna Enemkpali has found a new home with the Buffalo Bills.

Ryan told reporters, "This isn't to excuse Enemkpali's actions. In fact, had he done the same thing to his girlfriend, we would have waited a week to hire him. Week and a half, actually. Actions have consequences, you know."

Matthew V. Scannapieco, 71, the former Republican Mayor of Marlboro, New Jersey, admitted to detectives that he had sexual contact with a female child relative 50 to 60 times between 2006 and 2008, beginning when she was six years old.

When asked for a comment, Evangelical presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said, "At least he isn't gay."








KFC China has introduced a fried-chicken sandwich on a black bun, and a "rose-flavored" chicken leg sandwich on a pink bun.

KFC fans, however, don't like the new additions, and want the chain to return to its original Kentucky Fried Cat sandwiches.

Public urination has gotten so bad in San Francisco that the city has painted nine walls with a repellent paint that makes pee spray back on the offender.

Human rights advocates condemned the move, saying that people shouldn't be urinated on in public except by a consensual partner.


While the marijuana crops destroyed are unlikely to cause any statewide supply issues, it could disseminate a familiar smell.

In related news, fast-food chains in the area are reporting their best business in years.

Psychology Today reports that romantic break-ups are harder on men than women.

Men who didn't agree with that conclusion responded, "I'm fine, goddammit, now leave me the fuck alone!" before downing 12 shots of Wild Turkey and falling down in a puddle of their own vomit and tears while screaming, "What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong?!"

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