SHOW FOR SCANDAL

"A, you're adorable..."

In less enlightened times, women involved in scandals were usually held to higher standards than men -- particularly when sex was involved. When Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote The Scarlet Letter, that fat red A wasn't emblazoned on Rev. Dimmesdale's vestment.

As times changed, women decided they had every right to cash in on their notoriety the same way their male counterparts did. Well, not exactly the same way. For a while, whenever a woman was involved in a scandal, the first question was, "When does she pose for Playboy"? Even "The Women of Enron" hopped on the bunny trail. And I thought you needed to be named Tiffany or Brittany for that honor.

But now in the sophisticated 21st-century, women realize they have another, more profitable choice. Take Christine Ouzounian, the nanny who allegedly came between Ben Affleck and his wife Jennifer Garner. As the New York Post quotes one source:

“The word in LA is that Christine is looking for an agent and wants a TV deal, on something like ‘The Bachelorette’ or ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ She knows she most likely can’t go back to nannying — who in LA would hire her now to take care of their kids? So she’s going to use the spotlight to build a showbiz career.”

Wait a minute. A "showbiz career" means you've got some kind of talent, right? Even Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian proved they could endure humiliating sex acts on video in order to get their TV series. So what's little Christine doing to prove her worth?

[Ouzounian has] been parading around in full hair and makeup for the paparazzi, cruising around Santa Monica, Calif., in a new, top-down $43,000 luxury Lexus, and sipping wine al fresco with friends where cameras can catch her in her full glory.

If you're a nanny and can drop 43-grand on a car, you've got talents I can only begin to imagine. Ouzounian's allegedly include getting paid by the paparazzi to let her know where she's going to be so they can get the best shots. But still -- that's a lot of "candid" pictures.

I don't see her changing diapers in the
near future.

None of the nannies I see on the Upper East Side resemble Ouzounian. For one thing, they all come from Jamaica (the island, not the city in Queens). In fact, the question many people are asking is, "Why the hell would Jennifer Garner hire a nanny who looked like that?" 

Now, I seem to remember reading that it was Affleck who hired her when he took the kids on a vacation while Garner was shooting a movie. Because that's what all fathers do when they're on vacation with their kids -- hire a cute 28 year-old woman to travel with them. And Ouzounian just kind of became part of the family. Like the "mistress" part. Allegedly.

Hey Michael, don't tear off his toupee!

None of this should come as a particular shock. As more than one person has pointed out, whenever you saw Affleck and Garner photographed together, she was all smiles -- often looking adoringly at him -- while his expression was more like Please God, get me out of here.

The last time they both actually appeared close was at the premiere of Daredevil in 2003, when he was still dating Jennifer Lopez. And even then, co-star Michael Clarke Duncan had to smash Affleck's head next to hers for the shot. 

Jennifer Garner has learned, albeit too late, that the L.A. model nanny is to be avoided. As the New York Daily News  put it, the "new nanny is clearly older." She's not a comely bottle blonde, either, but a normal-sized, middle-aged black woman. While she probably stands out in Hollywood, she'd fit right in on the Upper East Side, where mothers rest easily knowing their nanny will take good care of the kids without being sexual competition at home.

And as for the husbands? They're crossing their fingers and hoping that Christine

Ouzounian lands her much-hoped for TV show. The poor kid's earned a little happiness.

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