THE CONSPIRACIST'S GUIDE TO HILLARY CLINTON

From the left, right and middle, the question everybody's asking is: What the hell does Hillary Clinton think she's trying to get away with, with this whole offsite server and scrubbed emails thing, and all the bad jokes about being investigated by the FBI, thereof? 

But what if Hillary & Co. know exactly what they're doing, and that they're playing us all for the suckers they believe us to be? 

I've always believed that a person who describes every word against her as a "conspiracy" must know an awful lot about conspiracies. Remember, Hillary was on the the Impeachment Inquiry staff during Watergate, so she saw first hand how a master does it. 

OK, try following me here. When she's Secretary of State, Hillary decides to keep a private server -- the one used for "personal" emails. 

She then decides to up the ante by having the back-up server in a bathroom closet in Denver because, uh, why not? (I suppose people in Denver don't like to keep soap or shampoo on hand.) That server really is used for emails regarding yoga, Chelsea's wedding bills, and Bill's travel schedule so they never have to be in the house at Chappaqua at the same time.

The private server at Chappaqua is also used for the same emails. At the end of her term, she wipes those clean, knowing full well there's nothing of interest there outside the Washington Post society page. The government, meanwhile, has the official emails.

Hillary then has one of her staffers -- Huma, is that you? -- "leak" the story about the private server. The press gets interested. The FBI decides to take a look. 

But, more importantly, the Republicans predictably go haywire. Congressmen who routinely keep in touch with mistresses via email suddenly are shocked, insulted and sickened that Hillary Clinton kept a private server for "classified" information. 

But that still isn't enough. She gives her lawyer a thumb drive of those same emails. It's all aboveboard. I mean, what kind of person gives classified information to her lawyer for safekeeping?

Meanwhile, Hillary convinces her good friend Donald Trump to run for president in order to make the entire Republican side look even crazier than it does already. Trump, never one to pass up a challenge or a camera, agrees to do so, even if it means giving up his TV show and running his business for the time being. Hey, he's worth two, no, four, no, eight billion dollars. And those are the most fabulous dollars you've ever seen. And did you know he beats China all the time?

Then, as time goes by, the same staffer -- Huma, haven't you got a child to take of (and I mean your sexting husband)? -- drops a dime on Hillary regarding the Denver server. Now everybody's interested in what's going on, even as it gets more complicated. In fact, that's the point -- who's got time to connect the dots or unthread the strands when people are getting ready to send their kids back to school?

Hillary then trots out the "politics as usual" meme even as it's her former boss' administration who's leading the charge. Because that's the dog whistle all her acolytes hear. 

After much hemming and hawing, Hillary then "agrees" to hand over the servers to the FBI. Only far from being wiped clean, they've been merely been given a light dusting, allowing the emails to re-emerge. The personal emails are dull, the official emails not classified after all.

This allows Hillary to play the victim once again -- "See, I told you so! It was a conspiracy!" 

The outcome? Hillary makes her hatred of the press look justified. The Republicans appear goofier than a deer eating fermented apples. And more than ever, her fans will work themselves dizzy to see a woman elected president (as long as it's Hillary Clinton). It's the triple judo back-flip/
hip technique/thrusting strangle move. 

It all makes sense now.

And as for Bill? He's just scratching his head, thinking, "Who needs a server in a closet in Denver, anyway? I got served in White House closets plenty of times!"

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