BREAKING NEWS: 5/28/15

Archaeologists have uncovered what may be the world’s first murder, dating back 430,000 years. Researchers say lethal wounds identified on a human skull in Spain are likely to be evidence of the first case of homicide in human history.

Five minutes after the discovery, Rev. Al Sharpton was at the site chanting, "No justice, no peace."

The BBC is looking to hire a new "weather presenter." The classified ad said no experience was necessary, but the applicant is supposed to have a disability in order "to improve onscreen diversity."

A group of weathermen already working complained that "we're never right, anyway -- isn't that enough of a disability?" 

Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina told the Des Moines Register, "I bring to  this race a totally different perspective. I'm not a political neophyte, but I'm also not a professional politician. I actually understand how the economy works.”

When asked how she could relate to the lower- and middle-class while worth an estimated $120 million, Ms. Firorina replied, "I laid off 15,000 during my tenure at Hewlett-Packard before getting fired myself, so I know full well how difficult it is for working people."


“Today” correspondent Jenna Bush  is in the running for a new daytime talk show in development that could replace "The Meredith Vieria Show."

Sources say that the first episode would feature a roundtable discussion with Ms. Bush interviewing her cousin Billy Bush of Access Hollywood, Chelsea Clinton and Luke Russert of NBC News, Ronan Farrow of MSNBC, Oprah Winfrey's best friend Gayle King of CBS News, and Les Moonves' wife Julie Chen, also of CBS News. The topic will be "How To Make It in Television Journalism."

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TOOLS PROVIDED

The world is awash in jobs. I know this because every time I fill out an online application, my spam filter is inundated with international offers from people with names out of a '40s PRC movie, like Velma Bond, Malik Ford, and Kasimir Schultz. Their pitches are often word-for-word identical:

Yeah -- straight to Sing-Sing.

Hi! The mail forwarding company is seeking shipping/receiving Manager.
No enrollment fee. The average monthly salary is $1500.
Job Duties and responsibilities:
- Must be able to work on flexible schedules - the position is home-based
- Receive and mail incoming parcels. Auditing incoming packages for damages.
- Complete all paperwork in a timely and accurate manner.

All that's required is to receive packages, then send the contents to their final destinations. An idiot could do it. Or rather, only an idiot, because this scam has something to do with stolen credit cards. (You can read a brief summary here.) 

Now, if you want a real job, Saudi Arabia is the place to go. The London Telegraph reports:

Saudi Arabia is advertising for eight new executioners, recruiting extra staff to carry out an increasing number of death sentences, usually done by public beheading. 

 No special qualifications are needed for the jobs whose main role is "executing a judgement of death" but also involve performing amputations on those convicted of lesser offences, the advert, posted on the civil service jobs portal, said.

Definitely not their brand of choice.

No prior experience required and a chance to do side jobs just to shake things up a bit. Cool. 

Our Saudi friends have executed 85 people so far this year, so this is definitely a growth industry. If they keep it up, at this rate there should be 117 more unlucky folks at the wrong end of a Wilkinson's blade by New Year's Eve. (At least they won't have to watch Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin ring in 2016.)

An entry-level position, however, has its drawbacks:

A downloadable PDF application form for the executioner jobs, available on the website carrying Monday's date, said the jobs were classified as "religious functionaries" and that they would be at the lower end of the civil service pay scale. 

In case you were worried.

I figured a country where the idea of "separation of church and state" gets a Hunh? from your average citizen would place religious functionaries on a higher pay scale. But when a job requires you to show up to the office only four times a week, I suppose it makes sense. 

The Saudis' law-and-order mindset would probably go over well in certain areas of the U.S. In the last decade, Texas, for instance, has executed 521 people, many of whom were actually guilty of the crimes they were convicted of. 

On average, that's still less than Saudi Arabia's output, which spiked dramatically this year due to the hiring of new judges to speed up the executions. This is probably one time that the Lone Star state would go along with judicial overreach. The Supreme Court under President Rick Perry would look mighty interesting.

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/22/15

Syracuse.com reports that nine brains inexplicably appeared earlier this week along a street in New York state's St. Lawrence County village. How the brains got there and where they came from remains a mystery. 

Local police, however, said they appeared shortly after the current group of Republicans announced they were running for president.

CNN is reporting that a growing number of rappers are have announced their support for Hillary Clinton for president.

The rappers include DJ Whytewater, E-Raced Serva, Con Troll Freek, and No Mo' Qwestions.

In an interview with The Wrap, Oscar-nominated actress Maggie Gyllenhaal, 37, says that a casting director recently told her that she was too old to play the girlfriend of a 55 year-old man.

The next casting director told her she was too old to play the girlfriend of a 37 year-old man. 

ABBA singer Bjorn Ulvaeus has revealed he wants to use euthanasia if he becomes too ill, as he wants to control how he dies.

"Also," he said, "it'll be interesting to experience the same effect our music has on most people."

Two gay men who met online and started a physical relationship appeared on a live talk show, only to discover they were actually brothers.

One viewer in Alabama described himself as "disgusted," adding, "What was wrong with his sister?"

Psychological studies in the UK and US have found that meditation can trigger mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis.

Researchers said this explains Gwyneth Paltrow. 

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/21/15

Among other documents found in Osama bin-Laden's hiding place in Pakistan was an application form for joining al-Qaeda. One of the document's questions for the applicant was who to notify in case of suicide on the job.

Bin-Laden admitted that he got the idea from Walmart's job application.

Germany's Interior Ministry says it has appointed two Jews to a new commission on anti-Semitism in response to criticism that there was none among the original eight experts chosen.

A spokesman for the Ministry said that Jews were initially omitted from the commission because "they're greedy, evil, Christ-killers."

Many people are reporting that wi-fi is creating adverse health effects on them, including heart palpitations, perspiration and "brain fog."

They add that these conditions come about when viewing internet porn. 

New York’s Police Commissioner Bill Bratton said Wednesday that cellphone-sporting citizen journalists capturing heated interactions between the police and the community and posting them online are actually “agitating the situations."

Bratton added, "For instance, recent protests in New York never would have happened if someone hadn't recorded cops choking Eric Garner to death for selling loose cigarettes."


Two months after questions about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s whereabouts fueled rumors of a love child with girlfriend Alina Kabaeva, the noticeably heavier 32-year-old beauty has renewed speculation.

Kremlin-watchers admitted it wouldn't be the first time Putin invaded foreign soil.


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Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/article21552666.html#stor

A CORRECTION

You might find it hard to believe, but I've fallen victim to cynicism on occasion. I'm thinking of one particular piece I wrote a couple of months ago -- "A Paid Political Announcement" -- which tried to put across the idea that Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush were pretty much the same person. If you like, you can refresh your memory by reading it here.

Well, I've thought long and hard about the two candidates since then, and now realize how terribly wrong I was. So, as a public service, I've detailed their differences in hope that it helps you on Election Day, 2016.

                        JEB                                                HILLARY

Got to where he is via father's name.        Got to where she is via husband's name.

Oil insider.                                             Wall Street insider.

Haunted by his brother's mistakes.            Haunted by her brother's greed.

Brother invaded too many countries.         Husband invaded too many women.

Friend of Fox News.                                Friend of ABC News.

The "smart one" of the family.                 The "scary one" of the family.

Will spew any bullshit for votes.                Will spew any horseshit for votes.

Alleged RHINO.                                       Alleged DINO.

Trolls the right for ungodly amounts          Trolls the left for ungodly amounts
 of money.                                             of money.

Can't answer a simple question.                 Won't answer a simple question.

Unofficial primary slogan: "You                  Unofficial primary slogan: "You
gonna vote for one of those guys?"             gonna vote for who else?"

Mistrusted by the right, but will get           Mistrusted by the left, but will get
their reluctant votes in the end.                their reluctant votes in the end.

                              Democracy -- it's a beautiful thing.

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/18/15

Two people were killed while attempting a wingsuit flight in Yosemite National Park, a park spokesman said Sunday.

Investigators are trying to figure out how anyone could die after jumping off a 7,500-foot high cliff.

Chris Roberts, a Colorado computer hacker, told the FBI that he briefly made an airliner fly sideways by hacking its computer system. Roberts claimed he pulled off the stunt by wiring a laptop computer into a jetliner’s entertainment system during a flight.

Asked by federal agents why he did it, Roberts replied, "It was easier than helping my wife parallel park."

A Nigerian restaurant has reportedly been shut down for cooking human flesh and serving it to customers. The police raided the hotel restaurant to discover human heads which were still dripping with blood in plastic bags.

The health department immediately dropped the restaurant's rating from A to B for improperly storing the heads without cleaning them first.

Islamic State militants claimed full control of the western Iraqi city of Ramadi on Sunday. Government forces evacuated a key military base after it came under attack by the insurgents.

Military analysts believe that one upside is that the Italian military will no longer be the go-to punchline for war jokes.

George Stephanopoulos continues to come under fire for not disclosing his $75,000 in donations to the Clinton Global Fund. Critics say that he can't be trusted to be a real newsman when discussing Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign.

Stephanopoulos defended himself by telling reporters, "Who the fuck ever thought Good Morning America was a real news show?"

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PLEDGE: NOW WITH NEW ACTIVE INGREDIENTS!

Certain things were drummed into my head in public school. There were 5,280 feet in a mile; the Civil War was fought over slavery; a possessive apostrophe went at the end of words ending with "s"; and the Pledge of Allegiance was to be recited every morning from kindergarten through high school.

Today, only the length of a mile is still set in stone. Revisionists now claim the Civil War was really all about taxes and states rights; journalists add an extra "s" following the apostrophe; and, if my daughter is any example, the Pledge of Allegiance ends at fourth grade.

Oddly, this fell out of favor when we went to war
with Germany.

The Pledge started to fall from favor in the last couple of decades, considered by many progressives to be a quasi-fascist, mandatory fealty to a government rather than an idea. When you see old photos of kids reciting the Pledge with the original straight-arm salute, you kind of see where they're coming from. (Fun fact: Francis Bellamy, the author of the Pledge, was a Christian socialist, thus being one of the few people both the left and the right can find disdainful.)

I hadn't though much about the Pledge since graduating from public school. But lately, it seems to be in every other headline I read these days:

Texas Man Arrested for Alleged Pledge of Allegiance to ISIS

Boko Haram purportedly pledges allegiance to ISIS

Sahara extremists pledge allegiance to ISIS

Spiritual Leader of Libya's Biggest Jihadi Group Pledges Allegiance to ISIS

Gaza Salafists pledge allegiance to ISIS

 
Sheesh! Is there anyone not pledging allegiance to ISIS? If this keeps up, even the phrase "Pledge of Allegiance" is going to go the way of "retarded," "mongoloid" and "thug" in polite conversation. 

"It was old, anyway."

As with all fraternities, ISIS welcomes new members only if they can pass its rigorous demands -- in this case, murdering and raping everyone who crosses their path, along with destroying priceless artifacts and, if they have time, entire cities, too. Where they differ is that college frats often wind up killing their own wannabe-members via alcohol poisoning. No threat of that happening with ISIS!

But I still keep wondering about this new Pledge of Allegiance. Do terrorists get up from their desks every morning, as we did, and place their hands over their hearts? If so, I imagine their sacred covenant goes something like this:

I pledge allegiance to the scary black flag
Of the united maniacs of ISIS
And to the psychosis for which it stands,
One caliphate, under Allah, impenitent,
With annihilation and chaos
For everybody else.

 

Alright, boys. Now how many corpses of infidels go into a mile?

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BREAKING NEWS: AMTRAK EDITION

A House panel approved a measure Wednesday that cuts funding for Amtrak, less than a day after a train derailment left at least seven people dead and many more injured. 

While Democrats condemned the move as ill-timed at best, Republicans fought back. An unnamed source told The Ol' Fish-Eye, "Look, when was the last time something like this happened on that section of track? Nineteen forty-three! And 79 people were killed then, as opposed to, what, seven now? And even if it goes up, it's not getting anywhere near that, probably. So let's all take a deep breath before we jump to conclusions, OK?"

The source continued, "What people don't take into consideration, either, is that these things happen in roughly 75-year cycles. The Hurricane of '38, then Hurricane Sandy in 2012. Plane crashes into the Empire State Building in 1945, then 9/11 at the World Trade Center. A train crashes in the same area in '43, then 2015. You can't just throw money at fate, y'know?"

When asked if his point of view was rather cold, the source shook his head. "I'm sick of that rap we Republicans get, that we care only about old rich white guys. Look at who was killed in the Amtrak crash -- men and women of all colors and backgrounds. This was  truly an equal opportunity event. That's what America's all about." 

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/13/15

Terry O'Neill, the president of the National Organization of Women, called President Obama's critique of Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) sexist. O'Neill took issue with Obama calling Warren by her first name during an interview published Saturday.

When asked what he thought about Ms. O'Neill's comments, White House spokesman Josh Earnest replied, "Bitch must be having her period or something." 

Ada Guan, gave birth Sunday over the Pacific Ocean near the end of a 10-hour Air Canada flight from Calgary, Alberta, to Tokyo, according to Canada's Global News.

Air Canada immediately charged Ms. Guan a $50 extra carry-on fee.

Parents picking up their children from the Duffield Children’s Center nursery school in Fort Greene were handed a letter Tuesday informing them that Lindsay Lohan will begin a community service stint at the school today.

As part of her community service at the school, Ms. Lohan will learn the alphabet.

 

Matthew Apperson told witnesses he “had to shoot at” former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman in a road rage incident this week.

Arresting officers told Apperson that he had to wait his turn.

 

KFC has apologised after staff at a South African branch were filmed throwing pieces of chicken on a concrete floor and washing them with a hose.

"To make sure this doesn't happen again," a KFC spokesman said, "we're dismantling all our video cameras."

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MOVIE OF THE DAY: "ARE WE CIVILIZED?" (1934)

The 69-minute long Are We Civilized? opens with all the hallmarks of a '30s independent production with big ideas and little money. A cast credit promising an epic (starring "Many thousands of soldiers, sailors and peasants"); a narcissist for a director whose signature takes up half the screen ("Personally Directed by Edmund Carewe" -- thanks for showing up on the set, Ed!); and a "special score" performed by The Manhattan Symphony Orchestra of New York (not to be confused with Manhattan, Kansas). 

"Say, I remember you before you were a
fascist pig!"

In an unnamed European country, newspaper publisher Paul Franklin, Jr. is visited by his father, who, since World War I, has led a successful life in the USA. Under the direction of Gen. Bockner, the head of the Censorship Bureau, Junior's home is soon ransacked both for his newspaper's insistence on publishing the truth, and Senior's incendiary radio broadcast condemning the fascist government. Senior attempts to mend Bockner's ways.

Older than the real thing.

And it's at this point Are We Civilized? starts to show its sorry budgetary restrictions. Paul Sr. gives Bockner and his stormtrooper buddies a half-hour lecture on world history, illustrated for us by old silent movie clips. (Over a decade later, this cost-cutting trick was used in The White Gorilla.) Accompanied by a score that sounds like a bad mix of "Rhapsody in Blue" and The Twilight Zone, we start with primordial ooze before claymation dinosaurs start battling it out. A caveman figuring out how to draw leads to a discussion of Moses, Buddha, Confucius, Julius Caesar, Jesus and Mohammed. (I don't know why ISIS is all in a tizzy about portraying ol' Mo, since he appears to be a good-looking rascal.) 

"Wait, don't go, I'm only up to 14th century!"

During this time, Paul Sr. is completely oblivious that his son is currently getting the shit beat out of him by an angry mob outside the front door. But no matter -- there's still Napoleon, the Civil War, steamboats and automobiles to talk about. And as for all that footage from silent movies and newsreels -- copyright, shmopyright! They've gotta do something to pad this thing out.

"Comment ai-je arrive ici?"

For its weird detour into history -- lasting almost half its running time -- Are We Civilized? is also remarkably prescient of a second world war, while Paul Sr.'s description of the Depression rings true today: "Destitute, homeless, hopeless men, women and children, bewildered in their pitiful distress," thanks to society allowing Wall Street shenanigans to run unchecked. (Former silent leading man William Farnum bellows his occasionally-overwrought dialogue as you'd expect from an actor born in 1876.) 

William Farnum (right)
with screenwriter Harold
Sherman.

Director Edmund Carewe and writer Harold Sherman clearly had a lot on their little plate. But they are to be honored for calling out the Nazis at a time when Hitler's personal representatives in Los Angeles had the final say over studio scripts -- Germany being a major market for American movies. (It's a practice that continues, to a lesser extent, as Hollywood movies are routinely rewritten in order to make the Chinese government look good.) Yes, the country in Are We Civilized? is anonymous, but its locale is unmistakable. Only an indie production without any desire for a German release could get away with it.

Are We Civilized?'s dialogue ranges from "what the?" (Jr. speaking of Sr.: "He's often told friends that having the top of his skull blown off in the war was a blessing in disguise") to dryly amusing (Jr., engaged to the daughter of head of the Censorship Bureau, promises to "love, honor, and suppress"). When Bockner threatens to expel the Franklins to America (where Senior already lives), you have to wonder why they don't say, "No problem, get us on the first boat outta here!" 

Carewe and Sherman apparently thought Are We Civilized? would somehow change the ways of mankind. Four years earlier, Universal Pictures thought All Quiet on the Western Front would signal the end of war for all time. In 2005, Steven Spielberg promised Time magazine that Munich, his movie about the massacre of Israeli athletes at the '68 Olympics, would lead to peace in the Middle East. No wonder so many movie-makers are good at what they do -- they live in a fantasy world 24/7.

Yet one glance at today's newspaper proves that Paul Franklin Sr.'s prediction that mankind would be in peril if we kept up our disastrous ways was all too accurate. The answer to Are We Civilized? is hardly a positive one. 

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/8/15

Only two Senate Republicans from the entire conference of 54 members have admitted they read the details of President Barack Obama’s secret Trans Pacific Partnership trade deal as of this time.

"To be fair to our fellow Republicans, however," said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), "we're the only ones who know how to read."

 

 

Pope Francis will send an army of globe-trotting priests — his “missionaries of mercy” — to absolve women who’ve had abortions, in the latest Vatican bid to catch up with modern times.

Speaking to a crowd in St. Peter's Square, the Pope added, "This makes up for that whole pedophile priest thing, OK, ladies? Now get off my fucking back."

 

 

Hillary Clinton makes the final stop on Friday on a California fundraising tour where one of her admirers tried comparing her to fellow former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.

When asked for details, the donor replied, "Well, they both had husbands who cheated on them. That's good enough for me!"

                                                      

Yoko Ono has created a series of broken coffee cups which have been repaired with lacquer mixed with gold. Each has a message marking a tragic historical event.

The first tragic event commemorated will be the day she met John Lennon.

 

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