DOWN FOR THE DISCOUNT

Yup, that image makes me want to
shop there.

Recently, I was speaking to a woman who took offense when a 20-something cashier informed her that he had given her the senior citizen discount. “That's not what you're supposed to do," she explained. “You're supposed to ask if there's a discount I'd like to take advantage of.”

Ahh, “the senior citizen discount” – is there any phrase quite so bittersweet? On one hand, it's always a treat not paying full-price for even a coffee and doughnut. Yet it's also your way of admitting, Yeah, I'm old. Now give me my change, and make it snappy. It's time for my nap.

I remember my first time the same way others do their first kiss, only with much less pleasure.  As I was checking out at the grocery store, the cashier asked me confidentially, “Would you like to apply for the senior discount?”

What the...?! When I walked out of the house that day, I could have sworn I was in my mid-40s. OK, 50. Oh, alright, 53, but not a year more. And yet here I was, accused of the worst crime a person can commit  in our culture: not being young.

Great! What the hell is AirNowHVAC?

I suddenly had to make a split-second decision. To accept  the offer was to admit the terrible truth out loud, like a defendant breaking down under Perry Mason's relentless cross-examination: Yes, yes, I did it – I turned 60! I feared being carried away in handcuffs, sobbing, as Perry's dramatic theme music played in the background.

But saying no was deliberately rejecting the chance to save money every time I spent  at least $30.  And that was the least of it. I would also appear to be either trying to deny reality, or, even worse, looking way older than I claimed to be.

What, those faces aren't valid enough?

There was really no choice.  “Yes,” I replied  wistfully. “How do I sign up?” And so I officially crossed the threshold that can only lead to sensible shoes, early-bird specials, and lights out at 9:00.

Until that moment, it had never occurred to me to ask for the senior discount. After all, everyone who used it was, well, senior. According to my mirror, I didn't qualify.

Apparently, the mirror was lying like a bad rug.  All it took was a trip the supermarket to give me a second, much-needed opinion – the same supermarket where I was once carded when buying a six-pack  in my 30s! How the mighty have fallen (and can't get up).

I pondered what gave the game away. Could it be how my eyelids hang down like awnings outside a two-bit diner? Or the way my neck flails around every time I turn my head? Perhaps it's the sole white hair that sticks out from my thorax through top of my shirt.

Like a new hip?

What I find frustrating is, outside of my local supermarkets, almost none of the senior discounts offered pertain to me. Sure I'd like to get 10% off my next purchase of tires... if I had a car. A free Coke at the nearby fast-food joint? Sounds good! Too bad I don't drink soda. Cheap movie tickets? I'll wait for video-on-demand, thank you.

Now if my neighborhood liquor store gave me a deal – well, now we're talking! Do you know much a decent Cabernet goes for? It's unconscionable! Which, frankly, is how I sometimes feel like getting when I remember how old I am.

So it looks like I'll be sticking with the grocery stores. One of them offers a Tuesday senior discount for every purchase, no sign-up required. The last time I was there, I noticed the woman before me receiving hers without any prompting.

Thanks. I feel so fucking special.

However, when it was my turn, the cashier charged me full price. Again, I had to make a hard choice. Do I inform the young man that, despite what he thinks, I'm over the hill? Or do I bask in my moment of youthful glory?

It was an easy call. All I was buying was a chunk of Parmesan cheese, so it's not like I was breaking the bank. And more to the point, where else am I going to have the chance to turn back the clock for mere pennies?

I kept my mouth shut and plunked down the full $8.95. As I left the store, I congratulated myself for pulling a fast one. Hah! They didn't give me the senior discount – suckers!

But it sure would be nice if any of the plastic surgeons offered me one. That I can use.
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BREAKING NEWS: 10/27/17

Political commentator Mark Halperin has been suspended by MSNBC after sexual harassment allegations  dating back 20 years surfaced this week. Due to his behavior, including allegedly rubbing his crotch against younger women who worked for him, he has lost his semi-regular gig on Morning Joe.

Halperin instead will host a new series, Morning Wood.

A new study has found that subway delays are costing New Yorkers an average of $1.2 million a workday in economic gains, not to mention adding to the crowding of stations and trains.

"Being late for work is bad enough," one woman said, "but you really don't want to be standing next to Mark Halperin at rush hour."

In related news, a man described as a nose-picking masturbator is terrorizing passengers on New York's A and E subway lines.

Anyone with information about the suspect is urged to call the Weinstein Company so they can give him his severance check.

The Washington Post reported that the DNC and Hillary Clinton's campaign committee, despite their denials, paid for a Russian-sourced "dossier" on Donald Trump's alleged sexual activities in Moscow.

When asked if she had known what her committee had done, Ms. Clinton replied, "Nyet."

Horace Owiti Opiyo of Kenya underwent surgery to reduce the size of his penis, which, due to an infection, had grown to three feet in length.

When told of the surgery, Kim Kardashian cried, "Why didn't he get in touch with me first?"

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STRICTLY ON BACKGROUND, PT. 13: "MADAM SECRETARY"

It's a funny old job, this extra work. In July, I spent three straight 10-hour days working on Bull as part of a legal team defending frat boys on a manslaughter charge. (As a lawyer, I make it a point of taking the most unpopular cases.)

When it finally aired a couple of weeks ago, I was nowhere to be seen in any of the three segments I worked in, thanks to the magic of editing and camerawork. My reward: Six great meals (breakfast and lunch), and three nice checks in the mail. Oh, OK, it'll do.

Then there's Madam Secretary, which I shot a week after Bull. My total time on set was no more than two hours -- but the only thing they had in common was that they were both shot in Brooklyn studios

Even without seeing a script, I knew it was a climactic scene: a gathering of State Department workers getting laid off during a government shutdown -- to which many on the right would say, If only!

It was a big scene, too, at least 100 of us. It's on days like that when my job is like going to the office, seeing the same people all the time. Some of them, you know their names, and chat over coffee; others are the kind you recognize in the hall and greet with a quick "Hi."

As we were led onto Madam Secretary's State Department set, my heart sank. It would be easy to get lost in this sea of pinstriped government workers. 

Looks like I'll have to put off buying that Tesla for a while.

Glory to God and the A.D. -- well, really, the A.D. -- a bunch of us were brought up toward the front. You can see me directly behind the African-American woman in the center. (That shot was also used in the promo earlier in the day. From writing promos to appearing in them -- what a country!)



Having already been laid off my previous job, I used sense memory to get my feelings across. Nah, not really! I just did what I was told -- the hallmark of a great actor. So great, I even made the reverse angle where, for better or worse, I immediately recognized myself toward the left of the screen. 

I've always wanted to see an aerial shot of my scalp.

But the money shot was yet to come: the personal farewells to the staff, where Tea Leoni would start shaking some hands. I really wanted this to happen. The only time I had an interaction with a star so far, it was Triumph the Insult Comic Dog outside the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City -- another time of winding up on the cutting room floor. (I didn't take it personally. About 1% of the footage made it to air -- probably for legal reasons, since, among other reasons, I played the gravedigger who buried the hookers killed by Donald Trump.)

Tea didn't come my way on the first take. Had I missed my moment? 

Not at all. There's no such things as one-take shots. Because on the second, Tea Leoni walked straight to me and stuck out her hand.

Me on the right: Just another day at the office.

She did it! Madam Secretary's 6.60 million viewers saw Tea Leoni shake my hand! And not only that, she looked me in the eye and quietly ad-libbed a line to me: "We'll have that drink later." Was it her talent or my stupidity that made me wonder, Did she mean it? My friends and loved ones will set you straight on that. 

Extra work is a good gig. Not always exciting, but usually fun. Occasionally, time drags by. But Madam Secretary gave me the chance that evening to burst into my living room and tell my wife, "I love my job!" Even if I had just gotten laid off from a cushy government position.

By the way, see that other guy with the glasses in the photo above? Had you watched the final episode of Homeland last season, you'd have seen us standing together as protesters, as well as in a scene from Gotham. And the guy between us? I can't keep track of the number of shows we've done together. I sometimes wonder if there are OCD-afflicted TV viewers who say, "Hey! These people are on every freaking show I watch!"

And you know what? We are. Except for the ones we aren't.

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BREAKING NEWS 10/20/17: HARVEY WEINSTEIN EDITION #2

Harvey Weinstein isn't taking sex rehab seriously, sources say, and is falling asleep and taking phone calls during group therapy sessions.

Another, unnamed member of the session said he understood, adding, "I had the same reaction to The English Patient."

Lupita Nyong'o is the most recent actress to claim that she was sexually harassed by Harvey Weinstein.

Asked for a comment, a Weinstein rep said, "At least this proves he isn't a racist."

Quentin Tarantino admitted to the New York Times that he was aware of the

allegations against Harvey Weinstein many years ago, including from his then-girlfriend Mia Sorvino, but continued to work with him. “What I did was marginalize the incidents,” he recalled, saying he wrote them off as mild misbehavior. “Anything I say now will sound like a crappy excuse.”

After the Times published the piece, a Tarantino spokesman called to make a correction. "In retrospect, Mr. Tarantino believes that selling out his girlfriend, covering up Weinstein's abhorrent behavior and winning an Oscar were pretty good excuses after all."

Rosie O’Donnell is calling out the hosts of  Morning Joe for making a “false equivalence” between President Donald Trump and disgraced film executive Harvey Weinstein."

"For one thing," O'Donnell said, "there's still a chance Weinstein will hire me for a movie one day."

Leaders in the fashion world, including Anna Wintour and Steven Kolb, are breaking their silence regarding Harvey Weinstein.

"I am appalled by Weinstein's behavior," Wintour said. "I would never have dressed him in that tux."

Gwyneth Paltrow admitted that she kept working with Harvey Weinstein even after he sexually harassed her, adding, "This way of treating women ends now."

"And by 'now'," Paltrow added, "I mean that now that I'm washed up in the movie industry anyway."

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IT WAS 25 YEARS AGO TODAY

It seems astonishing now. The last 25 years have gone by faster than the nine years I lived in New York before meeting my wife, and the eleven before we married. 

When we met, I had been living alone for two years, after having roommates at different times since moving here. It was nice not having to cohabitate for the first time in my life -- keeping my own schedule, doing what I wanted, decorating my living quarters the way I saw fit (meaning lots of movie posters).

By the time we met, I was 35, a number considered middle-aged for a single person. I had accepted the idea that I was never going to marry; there would continue to be significant (and not so significant) others in and out of my life, but none that would stick.

And that was OK. Life was good: Cable TV; pasta three times a week; catching up on Alfred Hitchcock movies I had somehow missed over the years (almost all for good reason). Spending entire weekends without speaking to anybody other than when ordering Chinese spareribs and fried rice. Not only could I get used to this, I already had.

Then I went to a party one evening, where I met a woman who, as I was to learn, also had accepted that she would never marry. Eventually, we spoiled each other's plans. Within two years, were on a beach in St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, reciting our marriage vows before our mothers and a seagull or two. 

9,125 days have passed since then, which isn't that many when you consider it's been a quarter-century. 219,000 hours. One child. Lots of laughs, several tears, too many times getting lost on roadtrips, countless times when we simultaneously thought, I'm glad I married you. My wife said it to me this morning; it always take me by surprise. If you knew me, it wouldn't take you by surprise.

We always knew we had made the right decision, but it wasn't until some years ago when it became clear. Out of the blue, my wife said, "You know, I always thought love meant being tense all the time. Then I met you."

I knew exactly what she meant. 

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BREAKING NEWS, 10/11/17: HARVEY WEINSTEIN EDITION

Harvey Weinstein’s wife, Georgina Chapman, is leaving him, describing his behavior as "unforgiveable" after he was fired from his company.

  

"And by 'unforgiveable'," she explained, "I mean there goes my fat-fuck meal ticket."

Fashion legend Dona Karan has apologized for appearing to have defended Harvey Weinstein's behavior by blaming the way his victims were dressed.

"What I meant to say," she added, "was I blamed the women who wore clothes by other designers."

After three women claimed Harvey Weinstein raped them, the Democratic National Committee is coming under fire for returning only $30,000 of the $300,000 that Harvey Weinstein has contributed over the years.

DNC spokesman Chester Hooten explained, "Ten-thousand per rape seemed fair."

Almost a week after revelations concerning Harvey Weinstein's sexual misbehavior came to light, Hillary Clinton finally released a statement reading, "I was shocked and appalled by the revelations about Harvey Weinstein. The behavior described by women coming forward cannot be tolerated." 

"However," she added, "this does not pertain to the power-lust spouses of  craven politicians."

In related news, people are wondering why Harvey Weinstein's friend Bill Clinton hasn't issued a statement regarding the sex scandal.


When asked by phone, a Clinton spokesman could be heard laughing hysterically before apparently sobbing and hanging up.





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CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO MASS DESTRUCTION

All things considered, I'm a pretty good cook. I wish the same could be said about my housekeeping. The whole business of cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, vacuuming, and doing the laundry bores the heck out of me, so I put as little thought into it as I can. And today was no different.

Last week, I was cooking with turmeric, a spice which should have a warning on each jar

As dangerous as yellowcake. 

reading: WILL HOPELESSLY STAIN EVERYTHING THAT IT COMES IN TOUCH WITH. Being what might be called an energetic cook -- a kind way of saying "messy" -- the turmeric got on the kitchen counter, cabinet doors and apron. 

Removing the stains on the counter and cabinets took some doing, but was eventually a success. The apron, on the other hand, was another case entirely. I figured that the stains would eventually become souvenirs of my kitchen skills. No harm, no foul.

But I didn't take into account that I should have done a better job washing my hands, or rather, fingertips before drying them on my bathroom towel. As for why I didn't use the black hand towel, it was because I hadn't bothered removing it from the laundry bag yet. See what I mean about housework = little thought?

It took my wife's eagle eyes to find the yellow spots on the towel. Let me say right now,  I hate when my wife sees the problems I create before I do. It gives me no chance to fix (or at least attempt to fix) them before I do. 

A-ha, nothing!

I wish I had taken up my wife's offer of doing another load of whites yesterday, because maybe this story would have had a happy ending.

Instead, Mr. Clean of the Upper East Side decided that he'd solve the problem once and for all today. Rub in a little stain remover, toss in a load -- what could happen? 

Only this: the stain remover became a stain creator, turning the yellow spots red. 

Realizing this wasn't the way it was supposed to work, I quickly threw the whites in the machine, along with some Clorox. That's supposed to be a stain remover, correct? After lunch, I bounced downstairs, ready to admire the my handiwork, and to prove to myself that maybe I've got this laundry thing down to a science.

Behold:

In my defense, no one ever told me that it wasn't the best idea to pour Clorox directly on stains. And as for getting this down to a science, well, science was a class where I never scored higher than a "C". 

Ultimately, I blame the recipe. If I hadn't used turmeric, none of this would have happened. But it's better than food poisoning, right? On to tonight's dinner!

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BREAKING NEWS: 10/6/17

Emmanuel College in Britain outraged students when a photo of Auschwitz was used on the cover program for freshmen. The college dean, Rev. Jeremy Caddick, said the image was intended to go with a sermon inspired by the college choir's visit to the camp.

The title of the sermon was "Education Will Set You Free."

Miwa Sado, 31, a reporter for the NHK network in Tokyo, died after logging 159 hours of overtime and taking only two days off in the month before she died, according to a report Thursday.

A spokesman for NHK said, "We always knew she was a slacker."

A company in Colombia is promoting a four day drug-friendly "sex island experience", which offers 30 men the chance to book a trip with 60 prostitutes available 24 hours a day. The guests can participate in an orgy on the first day, while on day two each guest will have 30 minutes to have sex with 16 women at once.

A company spokesman reported a deluge of requests, including one from a man with a Southern accent asking if they had a special deal for ex-Presidents.

The New York Times has published a blockbuster story detailing decades of movie titan Harvey Weinstein's sexual abuse and harassment of actresses and women who worked at his studio.

A spokesman for Weinstein said the mogul had no comment, and that he was currently on a four-day vacation in Colombia.

The number of Americans who say they’re “very happy” in their marriages has fallen from 68% in the early 1970s to 60%. There are four types of people who claim to be happiest with the quality of their marriage: those who spend more time at religious centers, people with extreme political views, those who describe themselves as upper class, and men.

Those groups also report that it doesn't hurt to take four-day vacations in Colombia, either.

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BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

Without going into details, I spent a couple of hours inside a small-town church yesterday. Sitting in the pew, I picked up a Bible and opened it to a random page. I've often heard of people doing such a thing and miraculously getting the answer to some burning question that had been on their minds of late. What the heck, I thought. Better than a Magic 8-Ball.

Instead, I found myself  plunged headfirst in the Book of Ezekiel 23, reading about the adventures of sisters  Oholah and Oholibah. (You'd think those names would be awfully confusing to friends and family alike.)

Now, before I go further, I confess that my familiarity with the Bible is limited to the classic stories and quotes. Nor am I church-goer; other than a few obligations (weddings and the like), my visits have been strictly as a tourist. Same thing with any house of worship, by the way. 

My perspective, then, is that of a casual outsider. You know, sermons of God's love, God's will and, for all I know, God's real estate deals. All God, all the time. Sanctity, religion, faith, what have you.

Swing it, sisters!

But Ezekiel 23? Hoo boy! Oholah and Oholibah weren't just good time girls. The word  "whore" and all its variations are tossed around like hacky-sacks. Like, at least two dozen times. Like the writer either had Tourette's, or was really interested in, uh, whores.

You want to read about naked breasts being caressed, or details of sexual acts of two wild sisters across the Middle East? No need to sneak a peek into Penthouse letters to the editor. You've got it all in one slim chapter of the Holy Book.

Many scholars say that the Bible shouldn't be taken as literal truth; that is merely a series of metaphors and myths, all tightly rolled up to explain the inexplicable, the same way Paul Ryan does Donald Trump. However, C.S. Lewis was a confirmed atheist until reading one Biblical passage about a 10 year-old boy trying catch a glimpse of Jesus as He entered town. Because the street was lined with adults for the same reason, the boy had to run behind them and climb a tree to get a look.

Lewis, a scholar of literature, said he had never read such detail in any work of fiction. Thus, he was convinced of the Bible's veracity.

Therefore, being a confirmed cynic, I would say that the author of Ezekiel 23 was a sex maniac who tried to throw people off the scent by appearing holier than thou. He's like today's stridently "family-friendly" politicians or priests who get caught in adulterous affairs with their assistants or hookers.

But whoever he was (and you know it was a guy), gives the game away when writing about Oholibah. Not only does he repeat how handsome her lovers were, there is this eye-opening passage:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like donkeys, and their emissions like that of stallions. 

Why is this donkey laughing?

Holy sex act, Batman! You know what kind of guy writes a detailed passage of "handsome lovers" like that? The kind who who's really familiar with that sort of thing. Who  feels guilty about it, so he tries throwing people off the stallion-emission-filled scent.

You know why I say that? Because no straight writer outside of porn would dream up such a thing. None.

Oh man, how I would love to hear a Southern fire-and-brimstone preacher read Ezekiel to his congregants, spitting out "whore", "whoring" and "whoredom" before coming to that passage. It would be so shocking that the preacher would yell, "Let me repeat that! Then she lusted after her lovers, whose GENITALS were like DONKEYS, and their EMISSIONS like that of STALLIONS!" Then he'd read it a third time, just to make sure they got the message. Then he'd assure the crowd that Hugh Hefner was going to hell for being a pornographer. 

I'm not casting aspersions strictly on Christianity here. Anyone who's read enough of this blog knows that all religions and their spokesmen are handy targets. So it looks like opening a Bible at random really did spark a thought -- that even in Biblical times, there were hot sisters who were up for a some serious fun. And hypocritical males who were knew more about sexual proclivities than they were willing to admit. Amen, brother!

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BREAKING NEWS, 10/2/17: LAS VEGAS EDITION

Reactions are pouring in regarding the mass shooting at a country music concert in Las Vegas last night, where at least 50 people were killed and over 400 others treated for injuries at local hospitals.

When asked for a comment, National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre said, "Hey, it's Vegas -- everything's a gamble there."

Meanwhile, Pastor Roger Jimenez, who deemed the 2016 Pulse Nighclub shooting as God's punishment of gays, told reporters, "I forgot to tell you, He doesn't like country music fans, either."

President Donald Trump tweeted his prayers and condolences to the victims and their families.

He then thanked the shooter for taking the bad headlines away from the White House for a day.

The killer has been identified as Stephen Paddock, 64, who lived in a Nevada retirement community.

AARP spokesman Brad Lanes noted, "Paddock proved that retirees are still capable of amazing things."

Paddock's crime is now the worst mass shooting in American history.

The Nevada tourism board is changing the city's slogan to "What Happens In Vegas, Stays in Vegas, Until the Next Nut With Easy Access to Assault Rifles Tops the List, Thanks to the Political Whores Who Place NRA Money Over People's Lives."

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