BREAKING NEWS: 1/29/2021

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz  demanded that Liz Cheney, the third highest-ranking Republican in the House, be punished for voting to impeach Donald Trump. The Florida congressman said Cheney did not represent their views, and that there was a 'battle for the soul' of the Republican party.

Gaetz's comment shocked political observers, who didn't realize the Republican party had a soul.

 

Kate Middleton says the nearly year-long lockdown has left her 'exhausted' and 'juggling work, home and school life' in Zoom call with parents to discuss homeschooling during Covid-19.

 The parents asked her what the fuck she meant by "work".

 

San Francisco is planning to rename dozens of public schools, committing to potentially remove names of public figures who "engaged in the subjugation and enslavement of human beings; or who oppressed women, inhibiting societal progress; or whose actions led to genocide; or who otherwise significantly diminished the opportunities of those amongst us to the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." The public figures include George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Herbert Hoover, Paul Revere, Robert Louis Stevenson, and Senator Dianne Feinstein.

Asked how the school board came up with the list, spokesman Chester Hooten explained, "We want to show America that San Francisco leftists can be just as stupid as anybody on the right."

 

In Southport, North Carolina, Police Detective Byron Vassey  said, "I don't have time for this shit" before fatally shooting Keith Vidal, an 18 year-old with schizophrenia, during a mental health crisis. 

Residents of Southport were outraged by Vassey's comment, with most asking the police chief, "Since when do Southern cops not have time to shoot people for no reason?"

 

In Stinnett County, Texas, Police Chief Jason Collier has been placed on
administrative after being caught on Facebook living a "triple life" with his wife, fiancee, girlfriend, and several other women.

While the women were outraged, police spokesman John Sivoney told reporters, "At least it kept him from shooting people for no reason."

Marie Choudhary of North Carolina pleaded guilty to murdering her
sister's husband by injecting him with meth, strangling him, burying him, digging him up, then dismembering him. Choudhary committed the crime so that her sister could marry their father, with whom she'd be been carrying on an incestuous relationship.

In her closing remarks before sentencing, Choudhary explained that she committed the crime because Southerners believe in family values.

                                                   ***********************