SNOW FLAKES

Nothing says winter in New York
like snow-covered garbage bags.

I've alluded to this before, but it bears repeating. New Yorkers have survived
economic crashes, panics, and depressions, terrorist attacks, crime waves, and pandemics. They've always pulled through like champs. But mention the possibility of snow, and suddenly it's end times.

As I write this, a gentle snow is falling on the city, threatening nothing more than a typical postcard February day. But I don't have to turn on the TV to know that the morning news will feature the words SNOW ALERT in a font that takes up half the screen.  

Hey, what's with all this snow, Sam? the anchor will ask the hapless meteorologist, who once again has to defend himself the way a wrongly-arrested suspect in a mass murder does in a back-room third degree. Well, you know, it is winter, and we've been spoiled the last year or two...

Whaddaya asking me for? You're the
friggin' weatherman.

So far this season, we've gotten something like 31 inches of snow -- six inches over the average, and over two feet more than last winter. Much of this season's snow fell in two storms two months apart. But these days, a "snow event" that threatens more than in inch is considered a storm. When did New Yorkers become such weather wusses?

 As far as I'm concerned, at least one foot of snow qualifies as a storm. Six to 11 inches is interesting. Under five isn't worthy of discussion.

If the park doesn't look like a black and
white photo, I'm not interested.

Having lived in the Northeast for a lifetime, I go on record as saying that a winter isn't complete without at least two snowstorms (I'd appreciate a blizzard), plus several fair snowfalls in between, along with at least one period of what's usually described as "bitter cold". People hate me for it, but then again I give them plenty of ammunition all year round.

Yes, I'm one of those snow geeks. And now that our slimmed-down cable line-up no longer carries the Weather Channel, I have to go on YouTube for my meteorological fix. There are several self-styled weather nerds who spend from 15 to 25 minutes -- longer than any bout of foreplay and sex they've experienced in their lives -- predicting the next two weeks of trends, patterns, Nor'easters, and, of course, just regular old STORMS.

Like the professionals, the YouTube guys
always ask for my opinion.

These guys -- and, yes, they're all guys, naturally -- aren't happy without disruptive weather ruining people's days. Especially in winter, when all they (and their fans) want to know is that a major snowstorm is heading their way, because, gosh darn it, they just haven't gotten enough yet. 

Not that any of them are professional. One of them has a disclaimer at the top of every show warning FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Well, hell, that's all we come here for anyway! These guys compare the Canadian model with European and American, and use phrases like "five hundredths of an inch of ice" and "4,500 millibars" as if they had ten diplomas on their wall. They're the weather version of Civil War reenactors.

Your reporter on the scene, risking life and
limb to take a photo that looks exactly like
all the others I've taken the last ten years.

And you know what? I'm a sucker for it! Only in the winter, of course, and even then only if there's a "snow maker" headed our way. And like people who choose news networks that conform to their political views. I pay the most attention to the guys predicting the highest snowfall. No fair and balanced here. 

So please, bring on the snow, the more the better. Being awakened four times in the middle of the night by passing snowplows is like hearing Santa's reindeer on the roof. The sound of the superintendent shoveling our sidewalk is something out of Aida. I would want nothing more than winter to be one long snow day.

You don't like "the white stuff"? That's what Florida's for, bub. Enjoy your hurricanes.

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