BREAKING NEWS: JAY LENO EDITION

The Hollywood Reporter has an exclusive story this week on Jay Leno's possible return to television on CNBC. The series would center on his well-known love of cars. According to The Hollywood Reporter, "Leno has been loyal to NBC (his car-themed web series Jay's Garage is still hosted on NBC.com), and he has a relationship with CNBC president Mark Hoffman."

Network spokesman Brad Lanes told The Ol' Fish-Eye, "We're delighted that Jay is continuing his psychologically-abusive relationship with the NBC family. Like a battered spouse with low self-esteem, Jay keeps coming back no matter how times we screw him over. Give him the Tonight Show, only to openly consider replacing him with Letterman months later; throw him off when he's number one; put him on a lousy hybrid talk-variety-what-the-hell-is-this-shit show; give him back Tonight; cut the show's budget by half, then get rid of him again when he's still number one. Doesn't matter. We know he'll be there saying, 'I'm sorry, honey, I promise to do better next time.'"

Throwing darts at a dartboard featuring the face of Leno, Lanes added, "As you know, Jay was in talks with CNN, A&E, the History Channel, and several other networks and production companies. But not only did he come crawling back to the people who have zero respect for him, he's going to be on CNBC, the lowest-rated cable channel in the Western world. And in primetime, where he bombed four years ago! Man, does this do our hearts good."

"And when the inevitable ratings slide begins," Lanes said, juggling rolls of Jay Leno toilet paper, "that's when we'll dream up another inappropriate series for him. I'm thinking of something along the lines of his current web show, Jay's Garage. Only this is going to be called Jay's Garbage. We'll follow Jay as he empties the kitchen trash, then takes it to the dump in his 1922-model Shelvoke & Drewry garbage truck. There'll be a guest in the passenger seat, who Jay will interview during the ride."

When asked if this was too similar to Jerry Seinfeld's web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Lanes bristled. "Not at all. Because unlike Jerry, Jay's going to allow the guest to take the wheel for a few minutes. That's comedy, NBC-style!"

As the interview came to a close, Lanes remarked, "You know, they tell me there was a time when Jay was the funniest stand-up around -- edgy, if you can believe it. And that when he plays live gigs, he's still hilarious. But we at NBC like our jokes tepid and edges rubbed smooth. As long as Jay is ambulatory, he'll have a home at NBC: Nothing But Contempt."

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