BREAKING NEWS: 8/25/15

History was made in Saudi Arabia this week when two women registered to vote for the first time.

One of the women, Jamal Al-Saadi, told reporters, "We look forward to having a say in how the government will continue to deny us all our other human rights. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my daily beating."



Rene Angelil has said that he wants to die in the arms of his wife Celine Dion.

"That way," he said, "she won't have the chance to sing that stupid Titanic song for the millionth time."

In a memo to his baristas, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz requested they be especially sensitive to customers because of the stress they may be feeling over the plunging stock market.

Schultz said, "Please make sure that their coffees are 20% less burnt than usual, and the delay time for their Frappucinos is kept to five minutes, while keeping them oblivious to the fact they're losing more money buying our overpriced products than they are in the stock market."


A new study has found that women are more likely to be bisexual than men.

"And really," the 9,000 women surveyed said, "can you blame us?"

The gunman who was disarmed by American passengers on a train in France two days ago had only meant to rob people, said Sophie David, the lawyer who interviewed him after the attack said Sunday, adding, "He is dumbfounded by the terrorist motives attributed to his action."

Hillary Clinton was overheard saying, "That's the lawyer for me!"


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