AN AFFAIR TO REGRET

The smile only a gullible
woman could trust.

Philosophizing about his own randy love life, Errol Flynn once said, "Women won't let me stay single, and I won't let myself stay married." And if he were alive today, he'd happily amend that to, "... and I won't let myself stay off the internet." 

How did married people have affairs before Ashley Madison? Did they actually have to go out and meet prospective paramours in person? Jeez, that's the way they found their future spouses -- and you see how well that worked out for them.

But at least you knew that it was a real person you were talking to in the corner of a dimly-lit bar. Former Ashley Madison employees claim that 90% of its female profiles were made up in-house. How dare they live a lie!

Ashley Madison's slogan -- "Life's Short. Have An Affair" -- now might as well be "Life's Short. Make a Spectacle of Yourself."  Especially when clients include self-righteous Christians like sibling-molester Josh Duggar, who espoused "family values" and condemned gay marriage while admitting he was into "experimenting with sex toys," "extended foreplay/teasing" and "giving oral sex" -- and presumably just to prove he's an old-fashioned guy at heart, "cuddling & hugging." Sounds like every woman's dream, except when those "likes" are reserved for inamorata and not the wife. 

Biden and his wife
couldn't be closer.

The latest alleged celebrity to get caught in the Ashley Madison spiderweb is Robert "Hunter" Biden, whose father is alleged presidential candidate Joe Biden. (Appropriate, since several of the Ashley Madison clients used a whitehouse.gov address.) Unlike the fallen Christians, however, Biden claims that he's the victim here, even if it was his credit card used to make a $268.95 payment. 

If you doubt that politics is in Robert's blood, check out his denial: "I am certain that the account in question is not mine."

Let's step back a moment. Presuming you have never partaken of Ashley Madison's faux-other women, a conversation might go like this:
REPORTER: Have you ever had an account on Ashley Madison?
YOU: No.

Compare that exchange to this:
REPORTER: Have you ever had an account on Ashley Madison?
BIDEN: I am certain that the account in question is not mine.

Show of hands: which reply doesn't sound like it was written by a Washington lawyer?

Just to make sure that we know it's Biden's mouthpiece doing the talking, the rest of the official statement double-downs on the certainty:

"From my understanding through press accounts, it is very easy to set up an account without someone’s knowledge as there is no requirement that an email address be verified and I am certain that is what happened in this case."

Damn, are we sure his last name isn't really Clinton? This is the kind of answer I give my wife when she notices a pile of crumbs under the table after I've swept the kitchen floor. "From my understanding, over time the bristles of the brush become stiff and separate, causing the crumbs to stay in their original position in front of my chair, rather than being swept up into the dustpan as planned, and I am certain this is what happened in this case." 

Now, considering Biden was thrown overboard by the Navy last year for failing a cocaine test, his parsing might be leaving some wiggle-room.  "Hey, there was one night when I was just flying on some awesome yayo powder, and I might've opened an account just for shits and giggles. Things happen, amirite?"

Notice, too, Biden uses the phrase "account in question" -- as if he actually opened an account under a different name. It makes as much sense as the guys who claim they opened an Ashley Madison account but never used it. Or, even better, did so for "research" -- and kept renewing their accounts at $268.95 a pop. That's some kind of research grant those guys get.

Errol Flynn had no secrets. But as for the rest of you guys -- go back to the dimly-lit corner of the bar. And if anybody asks who your female companion is, don't say, "I'm certain she's my niece." 

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