BREAKING NEWS: 4/11/16

Turkish President Recep Erdogan, having successfully suppressed dissidents in his homeland, is now attempting to silence critics in Europe and the U.S.

In response, Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters, "This is further proof of Hillary's international influence."

In New York, the Senate Democratic leadership claims that their district offices are allowed only six rolls of toilet paper per month by the Republican-controlled Senate.

GOP spokesman John Sivoney responded, "That's because they're not quite as full of crap as we are."


While campaigning in New York City over the weekend, Bernie Sanders and his wife Jane managed to score tickets to the sold-out Broadway musical Hamilton.

Asked for his opinion of Lin-Manuel Miranda's portrayal of Alexander Hamilton, Sanders said, "It wasn't the way I remember him."

A new study says marrying intelligent women can prevent men from suffering from dementia.

In a poll following the study, the overwhelming majority of men said, "I'll take my chances, thanks."

A homeowner in Seattle, Washington, found three fresh human body parts, including a foot, dumped in his recycling bin on Saturday.

A spokesman for the Mayor's office said, "This is horrific. We remind people once again that these go into composting."

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