BREAKING NEWS: CLOWN SIGHTINGS EDITION

Several "creepy" clown sightings have been reported throughout the U.S. in recent weeks, ranging from schools in Detroit to the New Jersey woods to a near-stabbing on a New York subway.

Now, several residents in St. Louis, Missouri have reported catching glimpses of two clowns in their area. Computer programmer Lucille LeSeur, 27, told local media that, unlike other sightings, one clown was a man while the other was a woman. 

"I know it sounds crazy," LeSeur said, "but I heard that they were preparing for a debate on Sunday night at Washington University. One of them had really weird yellow hair and an orange face and a big floppy red necktie. He kept bellowing about 'building a huge wall', only he pronounced it 'huuuuuge' like it was a catchphrase or something. And he kept saying something about being a billionaire, which was really funny actually, because it looked like he got his suit off the rack at a Robert Hall fire sale."

LeSeur shrugged her shoulders when a reporter asked if the clown had any point to make. "I really couldn't understand much of anything he had to say; it sounded like he didn't know what he was talking about, but kept babbling and babbling about wanting to be president, which was funny but frightening, you know?"

Asked about her impressions of the woman clown, LeSeur shrugged her shoulders, "It's kind of hard to say. I mean, I couldn't get a real bead on her. She didn't look as scary as the man -- she was wearing a bright red pants suit. I kind of got used to her looking like an giant inflatable sausage. But she was still strange." 

When reporters wanted an elaboration, LeSeur thought a moment before replying. "Her eyes. She'd move one, then the other would take half a second to join the other. And like the other clown, she always looked mad and was yelling. But it sounded rehearsed, you know? Like she was reading off a script for the first time. In fact, I'm pretty sure I heard her say one thing in the morning then another a couple of hours later, then something else after that. That was something else she had in common with the other clown -- she was talking about being president. Weird."

LeSeur added, "At least the male clown kind of bounced around like he was healthier than he looked. But people had to hold on to the woman clown, as if to keep her from falling down. In fact, somebody said they saw her fall on her face as she was getting into her clown car. Maybe that's part of her act. Whatever it was, I wished those two clowns would leave. They're scaring everybody in town."

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