The wife, instead of being thrilled by the generosity of her husband, instead demands to
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| She still won't appreciate it. |
Being the stereotypical idiot father so often seen in advertising today, he merely shuffles his feet while the wife and the kids smirk with superiority. End of commercial.
Not once do the wife or kids express their thanks. It's all about Why the miles, dope? If this were real life, the husband would bellow to the wife, "Goddammit, I'm sick of you emasculating me in front of the kids!" He would then open the door, push the wife over, and start burning rubber down the road at 95 mph. As the wife and kids scream with terror, the husband laughs maniacally until he loses control. The car goes off a cliff, smashing down the rocks with sickening thuds, killing everyone onboard before it comes to rest at the bottom. Merry Christmas one and all.
There are a few other commercials currently running that could use a dash of real life.
MCDONALD'S: A young, African-American McDonald's employee goes into work with an unopened letter. Too nervous to read it himself, he gives it to his manager. To his and the other workers' delight, the employee has earned a college scholarship.
HOW IT WOULD HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE: The manager, startled by a young black man appearing from nowhere behind the counter, pulls a gun and fatally injures him. Reaction is swift, from the both the left -- which urges a boycott of McDonald's -- and the right, which patronizes the chain for lunch every day in a show of solidarity. Those in right-to-carry states proudly wear guns in their holsters while chowing down on burgers. Pres. Trump weighs in by tweeting, Good people on both sides of McD's debate, but you won't hear that from CNN or failing New York Times! #BigMacAttack.
When the manager is eventually found "not guilty" by an all-white jury, the resulting protests are quickly overrun by a coalition of Black Lives Matter, antifa and radical PETA members, carrying signs that read WE DESERVE A BREAK TODAY, and shouting, "Hey hey, ho ho, Mickey D's has got to go!" They predictably devolve into violence, ranging from smashed windows to arson. The New York Post's front page photo of a McDonald's on fire is headlined MCDONALD'S FRIES. The acquitted manager, now fired, goes underground after receiving death threats. A week after the trial, he's interviewed via telephone on Fox and Friends, whose hosts feel bad for "everyone involved in this tragedy".
KEURIG: James Corden shows up unannounced at a suburban Californian cul-de-sac one morning, where he uses a bullhorn to wake up the neighborhood. The residents happily walk out their front doors to try a cup of Keurig coffee.
HOW IT WOULD HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE: While some neighbors call the cops, others angrily approach Corden, demanding that he leave the neighborhood. Things quickly get out of hand, as words give way to physical altercation. By the time cops arrive, all hell has broken loose.
Twelve people, including Corden, are arrested. In an effort to protect their reputations, both Keurig and CBS fire the British funnyman. Corden, in turn, sues his former employees for a total of $30-million in lost wages, although they soon settle out of court.
His reputation tarnished, Corden waits a year before returning to the air, this time on TBS following Conan O'Brien. Photos of the two with their arms around each other's shoulder circulate in the press. Corden tells reporters that he looks forward to following his "good friend Conan", and enjoying the "freedom that cable offers".
Almost Midnight with James Corden launches with strong ratings, but quickly fades. Viewers are disappointed that former employer CBS claims "intellectual control" over Corden's best loved bits, forcing him to replace "Carpool Karaoke" with "Back Pool Bopping", featuring b-list singers rather than the likes of Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars. Within two years, TBS cancels the show.
With no other offers available, Corden returns to the UK, where he submits to making funny faces at Buckingham Palace guards. "It's good to be home" he tells reporters none-too convincingly.
With no other offers available, Corden returns to the UK, where he submits to making funny faces at Buckingham Palace guards. "It's good to be home" he tells reporters none-too convincingly.
SYMBICORT: A man is reading The Three Little Pigs to his grandchildren. When he quotes the Big Bad Wolf -- "I'll huff and I'll puff" -- one of his grandkids asks, "Like you do sometimes, grandpa?" He then explains that he has COPD, but is being helped by Symbicort.
HOW IT WOULD HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE: Grandpa, having showed up to the family barbecue already half in the bag, yells, "I'm your grandfather, you little shit! Show some fucking respect!" As the kids run off in tears, Grandpa's adult son has finally had it up to here with his bullshit, and orders him out of the house. Grandpa says, "You better teach those little fuckers how to behave!" before angrily walking to his car.
Grandpa revs up the engine and peels away. However, the stress of the situation proves too much, as he suffers a stroke and loses control of the car. He smashes into a fire hydrant, sending a plume of a water into the air.
Grandpa is in a brain-dead coma for a week when his son and daughter-in-law go against his written wishes by requesting he be taken off life support. The case becomes a cause-celebre, involving the family, the hospital, the Attorney General, and, eventually, the Governor, who supports the "elderly man who can't speak for himself," adding, "Every life is precious." The family starts a GoFundMe page to pay for legal and hospital expenses.
Donors are soon ticked off when their money is diverted to a family vacation to Disneyworld. When asked for an explanation by a TMZ reporter, the son replies, "This case has been hard on us. We needed this time off. I'm asking you to respect my privacy." Grandpa lingers on for a month before dying on his own accord. The family is disappointed to learn that his father left everything to his 50 year-old, ex-stripper girlfriend.
Grandpa is in a brain-dead coma for a week when his son and daughter-in-law go against his written wishes by requesting he be taken off life support. The case becomes a cause-celebre, involving the family, the hospital, the Attorney General, and, eventually, the Governor, who supports the "elderly man who can't speak for himself," adding, "Every life is precious." The family starts a GoFundMe page to pay for legal and hospital expenses.
Donors are soon ticked off when their money is diverted to a family vacation to Disneyworld. When asked for an explanation by a TMZ reporter, the son replies, "This case has been hard on us. We needed this time off. I'm asking you to respect my privacy." Grandpa lingers on for a month before dying on his own accord. The family is disappointed to learn that his father left everything to his 50 year-old, ex-stripper girlfriend.
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