DEFACEBOOK

The principal and vice-principal of my
alma mater.

As with my farewell to LinkedIn a few weeks ago, I deleted my Facebook account not long afterwards. Not that it was a real Facebook page. I joined several years ago strictly to keep an eye on what my daughter was posting when she joined as a high school freshman. All my information was bogus, right down to my education (Oliver Hardy High School).

Nor did I post anything. Not only did I create a fictitious person, there was absolutely nothing on my page other than my phony name.

And yet almost immediately I started getting "friend" requests from people I not only didn't know, I didn't want to know, and continued to until I signed off.

Give Mark Zuckerberg credit: he tapped into people's need for imaginary friends. So desperate are they, that they're willing to give up every scrap of personal information in order to feel liked. But as he learned this week, that kind of know-how can land you in front of a group of angry Senators --  even those who, heretofore, were more than happy to take Facebook money to fund their campaigns. (If only they were so brave with NRA.)

The biggest question America has regarding Mark Zuckerberg's appearance before Congress is: What the hell is it about billionaires and their propensity for lousy haircuts and ill-fitting suits? 

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, and now Mr. Facebook -- these are, arguably, three of the most powerful people in the world, yet they all look like Mr. Green Jeans cut their hair with hedge clippers, and get their clothes at a Robert Hall off-the-rack sale. Make that off-the-floor. Even with modest hair and occupation, I have better suits than these guys. Of course, they used to belong to my brother, but all the ties are mine.

Which one would you take for a captain of industry,
and the other for an escapee from a mental ward?

Tonsorial expectations weren't the important things regarding his testimony, however. First and foremost, it was refreshing to see Republicans and Democrats in 100% agreement for a change -- they all hate the little twit who runs Facebook. For different reasons, of course. The GOP, because of Facebook's apparent anti-conservative bias. The Dems, because Cambridge Analytica hacked users' information on behalf of Donald Trump's presidential campaign. Which doesn't sound like anti-conservative bias to me, so maybe they're on the same page after all.

And what's not to hate? Zuck ducked and weaved with the skill of Muhammed Ali (albeit when Ali was on the downside of his career), and obfuscated with the best of them -- and by "them", I mean all those Congressmen when they're on the hot seat. 

When asked to answer questions with "Yes" or "No", he appeared not to have heard the directive. Instead, he began each answer, "Conceptually..." -- meaning, No. No no no no no. No. You knew this guy had all the scruples of a polecat when he was asked if Facebook should have safeguards for users under the age of 16. "Conceptually, that's an interesting idea, but..."

Protecting kids from hackers, sex criminals, and all sorts of random flotsam and jetsam? I'll have my team get back to you on that.

Mark Zuckerberg's favorite movie.

During his testimony, Zuck did offer one cogent piece of advice. Of course, you had to cut through the double-talk, spin, and bullshit to figure it out. But what he said, in so many words was, Hey, you don't like Facebook's terms of service, don't join. 

OK, fair enough. But the following day, Zuck admitted that he collects data on people who don't even use Facebook. 

Let me repeat: Mark Zuckerberg probably knows about you even if you aren't using his invention. President Recep Erdogan is probably thinking, Man, where do I get that kind of juice?

And if you think you own your Facebook page -- hah! Allow me to advise you, if you haven't already heard, that Mark Zuckerberg owns all "your" content, like a kindergarten teacher who insists on keeping your finger-paintings.

Well, that's not fair, you think. Y'know, I'm gonna delete my Facebook page just to make a statement.

Seriously, don't you want to
kick his pasty ass?

Good for you! Too bad your statement is moot. Yes, you will regain ownership of your content -- "unless," to quote its terms of service, "your content has been shared with others, and they have not deleted it."

In other words, that picture of your kid's fourth birthday party? Or the video of your cat falling down the stairs? Those ain't yours, bub. You can delete three ways from Sunday, but as long as  someone you shared them with is still on Facebook -- and that's your family and 50,000 "friends" -- Mark Zuckerberg can do whatever he wants with them. 

Run them in a commercial? Sure. Use them in a print ad in Fortune? Absolutely. Digitally insert them in a porno movie? Why not? They're his to do with as he pleases. You might have brought the bat and ball to the game, but he keeps them forever.

Zuckerberg's second-
favorite movie.

What explains Mark Zuckerberg's relentless need to know? It all goes back to my theory regarding Anthony Weiner's behavior. Ugly nerd in high school is probably picked on for four straight years. Can't get a girlfriend. Schemes to get even with the world one day. Weiner did it by entering politics and sexting teenage girls. Zuckerberg did it by becoming a worldwide digital spy. And people welcomed him.

Does it bother you that this guy knows more about your average Facebook user than their friends do? Has access to more people than Putin, the IRS, and Scotland Yard combined? Asked hospitals to share patient data that is supposed to be private?

Don't worry. His team will get back to you on that.

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