BREAKING NEWS: 6/23/18

In League City, Texas, police officer Jason Carty helped deliver a stranger's baby in the parking lot of AMOCO Federal Credit Union.

AMOCO officials congratulated Carty, and charged the mother 5.9% interest on the parking space.

In the lead-up to Paul Simon's farewell concert in Queens, fans have been advised to study the list of over 50 items they are forbidden to bring to the venue, including knives.

"However," spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "Mr. Simon always welcomes knives carried by plastic surgeons."

Following successful bladder surgery, actress Jada Pinkett Smith said in an interview that, while she's 46, her vagina "is a 16 year-old".

"Meaning," she added, "it stays out all night, has zero self-control, and is as interesting as a baloney sandwich."

Joe Jackson, the father and manager of the Jackson 5, is reportedly on his deathbed due to an undisclosed illness.

Jackson was quoted as saying that he's not ready to go, since he has so many grandchildren to exploit for financial gain.

Donald Trump, Jr. and  Fox News personality Kimberly Guilfoyle have taken their relationship public by appearing in New York at a party for Metropolitan magazine.  

They next plan to vacation in Texas so they can partake in Austin's legendary music scene, visit the Alamo, and help take Mexican children away from their parents.






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