MOVE ON, WUHAN

That's easy for you to say. You're not the one
with kidney failure.

You've gotta feel just a little sorry for Cerveceria Modelo, the manufacturer of Corona Beer. Known in its native Mexico as "the horse piss of beers" (its going price is as low as 60 cents, which is refunded when you return the bottle), Cerveceria Modelo spent years successfully convincing the crazy gringos up North that its most famous product was actually worth two bucks each at your local grocery store. 

Then the deadly coronavirus suddenly becomes the most feared disease since Ebola -- like some kind of nefarious Chinese plot to make Tsingtao the beer of choice for clueless American frat boys. 

I'm taking out a patent on the Coronavirus
Squeeze Ball. Every kid will want one next Christmas!

You can just hear the hombres in the Cerveceria boardroom screaming, "Why us? Why not Pabstvirus or Heinekenvirus?" And that's a good question: Why coronavirus? Because of the crown-like spikes on its surface ("corona" being Latin for "crown").

This brings up two pieces of irony: 1) The two-bit beer is named for royal headgear, and 2) Said two-bit beer has nothing to do with the virus' cause -- which was the open air market in Wuhan that sold salamanders, wolves, bats, peacocks, porcupines, and camel meat, all for human consumption. As the sign at the market said (and this is for real): "Freshly slaughtered, frozen, and delivered to your door. Wild Game Husbandry for the Masses." Yeah, the masses of dead bodies.

You have to admit, they certainly offer a wide selection of
inappropriate food.

You can always count on totalitarian governments to watch out for health and wellbeing of their people long after the salamander has left the barn, and China is no different. They did a bang-up "nothing to see here" job when SARS spread among its citizenry from November 2002 to February 2003 before finally alerting the World Health Organization. And guess what the cause of SARS was. Bats. 

Again with the bats! No wonder China has to steal American trade secrets -- they apparently can't learn a thing on their own.

"...And don't forget to rub your hands thoroughly!"

The outbreak in Wuhan has offered the eerie sight of otherwise deserted streets being sprayed down with an unidentified "antiseptic". That sounds like something as benign as Purell, which wouldn't seem all that effective on a virus that has been predicted by one American scientist to kill 65,000,000 people.

That's probably because antiseptics are applied on the body. What's being used in Wuhan is likely a disinfectant -- meaning these homes and businesses are being hosed down with something like Clorox, only far stronger. If so, jumbo bleach stains are going to be the least of the residents' worries. 

And if you think moronic thinking is unique to China, please note that conspiracy-theorists in the U.S. are spraying a bleach called Magic Mineral Solutions into their mouths to prevent coronavirus and other illnesses. Since these are the same people who voted for Trump in 2020, I urge them to keep spraying away, the oftener the better. 

You're gonna need a bigger bag.

The coronavirus should give us all pause, and not just how to combat what could be the second coming of the Spanish Flu. No, what we have to do is rename it, if only because some people really do think Corona Beer has something to do with it. 


So what to call it? Let's go back to its source. Not that I'm suggesting we call it Wuhan Flu -- that sounds like a stereotypical Asian bad guy from '30s B-movies. Remember, this all started when people were eating creatures that you usually don't see outside of zoos, caves or leashes. 




Watch for this to become the hot look at the next
runway show.

Nope, let's just call this illness by its rightful name: Nature's Revenge. It's catchy (like coronavirus!) and close enough to Montezuma's Revenge for people to understand that it's no joke.

So let's get started: Beware of Nature's Revenge! Don't eat bats! Otherwise, we're doomed to a future of people walking around in hazmat suits, face masks, and plastic bottles on their heads. Is this what you want sitting next to you on your next flight?

                                                       



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