USEFUL ADVICE FOR TOURISTS VISITING NEW YORK, PT. 2

Seven years ago, I offered some tips for tourists looking to visit New York. A lot has changed since then, not all for the better, so an addendum is in order. 

If you see Mayor Bill de Blasio, don't bother him. He's either on his way to the gym, or, having overslept again, is late to a policeman's funeral. 












And yes, we thought it was stupid when he ran for president as much as you did.


















Don't worry, water main breaks don't happen here all the time. Just all at once.

If you ever feel threatened on the subway or a dark street, act like a rabid raccoon. The only thing that scares muggers and crazy people are other crazy people.










Please stop pumping money into jukebox musicals. If you want to listen to oldies, do so at home.

Even rats know that you'll find better food at the greasiest no-name pizzeria than at Domino's. 











Remember when I said that I could show you where Al Roker lives? His NBC colleague Stephane Ruhle lives two doors down from him. Drop by on Halloween -- she throws quite the street party. 

On the other hand, Madonna will probably shoot you if you so much as tie your shoe outside her home (152-156 East 81st St. Tell her Kevin sent you!)










Despite our reputation, New Yorkers are always happy to give directions to tourists. Just get the hell out of our way afterwards.

Don't yell "Babba Booey" when a reporter is doing a live report. That's the job of idiot New Yorkers.









You might like the gentrification in Greenwich Village these days, but to us it sucks. Really sucks.












Whenever you hear about violent crimes in New York, remember that mass shootings happen where you live, not here.












The Second Avenue subway line really is as great as we Upper East Siders say it is. But walk west when you exit the station, away from my apartment.















To all you Friends fans wanting to move here: Monica couldn't afford to live in that apartment, and neither can you.

And even the Seinfeld apartment is out of your reach now. My advice: Hackensack.

Although the name of Donald Trump is slapped on buildings all over the city, he hates us as much as we hate him.

Don't. Just don't.












Stop with the jokes when you see background actors at work. We've heard them all, and they weren't funny the first time.










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If you'd like to read the first part of this series, go here.