WGOD-TV

Once a box office, now a collection plate.

Considering the state of the world, it's no surprise that faith-based movies are more popular than ever, with at least 21 on Netflix alone. Thanks to their relatively low budgets, these productions are guaranteed manna from heaven ticket-buyers and streaming subscribers.

But American TV networks haven't been as eager to ride the sweet chariot. I can think of only three examples: the currently-running God Friended Me, Touched by an Angel (1994-2003), and, from 1952-1957, Life is Worth Living, a weekly, 30-minute prime-time sermon from Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, who was such a pro that he never read off a script or used cue cards. Try that, Jimmy Fallon!

Bishop Sheen isn't afraid of  pissing off the
International Cinematographers Guild for touching the
equipment, because his union boss can kick their ass
three ways from Sunday.

There's likely a wide opening for more faith-based TV series. At the same time, they have to appeal to non-believers as well. And the only way to do that is to incorporate the message into secular genres that have always attracted a wider audience: Cop, sitcom, school, medical, and legal.

THE KING & ME:  Jesus Christ (Joe Jonas, in his first dramatic role since Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam) butts heads with gruff, hard-drinking private eye Silas Abiezer (Danny DeVito), who operates out of the back of the Exodus Bar & Grill on the Lower East Side. Before you can say “pearls before swine,” Silas has taken Jesus on as a partner. Jesus insists on working as an upright gumshoe, warning Silas, “We’re going by the book – and I’m talking the Holy Book!” In the pilot episode, Silas and Jesus suspect the distinguished Judge Joshua Ruth for a committing a string of harlots' murders.

Sample dialogue:

SILAS: Look, what do I need a partner for? I been doin' great on my own for 30 years!

JESUS: Y'know, Silas, it doesn't take a detective or a Messiah to see you need help.

SILAS: You wanna help me? You can start with that water-into-wine jazz!

THAT’S JESUS!: A righteous -- make that riotous! -- sitcom about the zany Garden of Eden Apartments in Brooklyn and its new tenant, Jesus Christ (Dana Carvey in an anointed comeback). Interested in finding out how "ordinary people" go about their lives, Jesus gets a job at the Word on High Messenger Agency, where he butts heads with his gruff, wisecracking boss Bill L. Zebub (Danny DeVito). The title of the series comes from Jesus’ hilarious Jack Benny-like reaction whenever anyone innocently mispronounces his name as “Hay-soos.” His neighbor, a dotty old biddy named Abigail Gethsemane (Betty White), is the only one who figures out that Jesus is really the son of God. 

Sample dialogue:

ABIGAIL: Just between you and me and the frankincense... are you anti-Semetic?

JESUS: Anti-Semetic? Hel-LO! King of the Jews, remember?

WALLS OF JERICHO:  Jesus (a cast-against-type Jim Belushi) comes back to earth as a philosophy teacher at Jericho High, a gritty, inner-city school in Philadelphia, populated with gritty, inner-city adolescents. His personal interest in the welfare of the students, including Phoebe, Rufus and Aaron, causes Jesus to continually butt heads with Jericho's gruff, by-the-book principal, Moses Lamech (Danny DeVito).

Sample dialogue:

MOSES: I hired you to teach them philosophy, not be their personal savior!
JESUS (tossing aside a textbook): Well, maybe it's time I started preaching to the choir!

J.C., M.D.: Mother Mary Hospital's top surgeon Jesus Christ (Hugh Jackman) insists on using philosophy as much as operations to treat patients, earning him the respect of colleagues Andrew, Phillip, and Bartholomew, while causing him to continually butt heads with the gruff, by-the-book CEO Judas "Jude" Iscariot (Danny DeVito). In the pilot episode, Dr. Christ's unconventional plans for the restoration of an ear that had been sliced off a servant named Malchus forces Iscariot to bring the surgeon before the hospital board for a reprimand.

Sample dialogue:
ISCARIOT: It's gonna take a miracle for you to save your job! You better hope your insurance is paid up when you get sued for malpractice!
JESUS: I'll put my gold on miracles every time!

PROVIDENCE LAW: Pro-bono lawyer Jesus Christ, Esq., (Kelsey Grammar) takes the cases of the poor and trodden rejected by his colleagues in Providence, Rhode Island. Always up to his striking blue eyes in clients, Christ receives much needed help from his aide, Mary "Maggie" Magdalene (Zooey Deschanel), whom he saved from a life of prostitution and transformed into a paralegal. His unorthodox style, including caressing the faces of friends and foes alike, causes Christ to continually butt heads with the gruff, by-the-book Judge Ben Caiaphas (Danny DeVito).

Sample dialogue:
CAIAPHAS: Mr. Christ, this is the third time your client has appeared before this court for petty theft. 
JESUS: I'm aware of that, your honor. 
CAIAPHAS: Then it seems to me that the city would be safer if your client served his six months rather than being allowed to walk the streets.
JESUS: Considering the district attorney has been charged with abuse of power, I would say the people would be safer if he were behind bars.
PROSECUTOR: I object!
JESUS: So do I -- to the damnable forces that drove my unfortunate client to commit this crime in the first place!

I give these ideas to networks and producers alike. Now go in peace and bomb no more.

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