BREAKING NEWS: 5/21/2020

Armando Hernandez, who shot at least three people at an Arizona shopping complex yesterday, captured the attack in chilling video posted on Snapchat, where he holds up a can of beer and declares what he is about to carry out.

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters that the incident was "further proof America is getting back to normal again."

One security force member has been injured at the Naval Air Station in Corpus Christi, Texas, after a gunman opened fire near a base entrance before being 'neutralized' by authorities. 

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters, "What did I tell you? Now we're urging all high schools to re-open for shooters so America is back to 100%!"

Four men got in a bizarre fight spilling paint over each other and using garden tools as weapons at a newly-re-opened Home Depot in Tampa, Florida.


White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters, "Until the schools re-open, this will do."

An unidentified nurse in Russia was suspended from her hospital for wearing only her underwear beneath her PPE. The nurse, who worked in the all-male COVID wing, explained that she was "too hot" to wear her usual uniform.

Her patients commented, "You can say that again!"




The UK tech company Pathfindr has developed a social distancing beeper that sends an alarm when the wearer is less than six feet away from another person.

Asked why anyone would pay good money for such a device if they can already see how close they are, a Pathfindr spokesman said, "Keep that under your hat, pal."

Officials in Ohio have declared racism a public health crisis in the state's embattled Franklin County, where twice as many black people are hospitalized for COVID-19 than other races, despite being a minority of the population.

Informed of the disparity, President Donald Trump tweeted, "Twice as many blacks being treated? Sounds like racism against whites! STUPID!"

A 'black goo' used by the ancient Egyptians to cover mummy cases was made from a mixture of animal fat, tree resin, beeswax and crude oil from the Dead Sea, scientists have revealed.

Informed of the discovery, Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted, "That's what I've been douching with for years!"

Police in New Jersey are searching for Mayra Gavilanez-Alectus, who they say murdered her wife Rebecca Gavilanez-Alectus by beating her to death with a wine chiller inside their home over the weekend. 

Asked for a comment, sociologist John L.C. Sivoney said, "This should prove once and for all that gay couples are no different from their straight counterparts."

While doing a study of penguins in Antarctica, scientists discovered that birds' poop contains large amounts of nitrous oxide, which sent the researchers into uncontrollable fits of laughter. 

Lorne Michaels has ordered several hundred pounds of the poop for the next season of Saturday Night Live.

Tiffany Trump has graduated Georgetown Law School in an online ceremony.

President Trump immediately replaced her in favor of someone more aligned with his views.

                                                ******************