IN DUTCH WITH THE DUCHESS

 

The sun complaints never set on the British Empire.

If you've ever doubted the world-wide reaching power of a near-middle aged unemployed woman who was unknown to roughly 98% of the world until three years ago, consider the events following Oprah Winfrey's interview with Meghan Markle (and her equally-unemployed husband).

 

You'd laugh, too, if you could keep getting
hired after losing every job you've ever had.

1) Piers Morgan was fired from his hosting duties on Good Morning Britain when Markle filed a formal complaint regarding his opinion of her. Specifically, her claim that she felt suicidal over the alleged pressure and abuse heaped upon her by her racist in-laws.

The last time Morgan was fired, it was from his CNN talk show; before that, it was as editor of the Daily Mirror, where he published a forged photo of British troops allegedly torturing Iraqis. If that wasn't proof enough of his professional disabilities, he drove the oldest newspaper ever, News of the World (1843-2011) out of business, when, as editor, he supervised the phone hacking of several celebrities. 

Yet somehow "I wouldn't believe [Meghan] if she read me the weather report" is where he really crossed the line. (Possible conflict of interest: while I was let go from my previous job due to automation, I don't think my big mouth helped any.)

 

Osbourne welcomed the pandemic so she could stay
as far from her black-co-host as possible.

2) Sharon Osbourne stuck her foot into her collagen-inflated mouth when she defended Piers Morgan to her fellow yentas on the American yakfest The Talk. Before you could say "Ozzie, don't eat that bat", The Talk went on hiatus for the rest of the week while CBS executives launched an "investigation" of Osbourne's alleged past racist comments, not to mention abusive behavior on set and with her personal assistant.

Why does this have to take a week? All the have to do is read all about it, and more, on The Daily Beast. The talk around the CBS hallways is that Sharon Osbourne, like Piers Morgan, will be minus one TV series. Imagine going off the cliff for a phone tapper/photo forger/newspaper destroyer who can't keep a job and who nobody even likes. 

 

William is clearly worried that he's the next
to lose his job over Marklegate.

3) Prince William was forced to go on defense over Markle's charges of royal racism. His exact quote: "We are very much not a racist family", which couldn't be more stiff-upper-lip if he was having surgical work on his top gumline.

Meanwhile, his grandmother's mouthpiece felt obliged to release a statement to the press. I've added a line-by-line American translation of her dispatch:

"The whole family is saddened to learn the full extent of how challenging the last few years have been for Meghan and Harry." TRANSLATION: Christ, them again? I thought they quit!

"The issues raised, particularly of that of race, are concerning." TRANSLATION: Look, anybody could have mistaken her for the help, alright?

"Whilst some recollections may vary, they are taken very seriously and will be addressed by the family privately." TRANSLATION: Trust me, you don't want to hear us say "Fuck those fucking brats!'" 

"Harry, Meghan and Archie will always be much loved family members." TRANSLATION: I'm 94, my husband's 99, so our time's almost up. The rest of this lot can have them.

I'd like to see Joe Biden try this.

4) Meghan Markle has been mentioned on the news every day since the interview -- an unfortunate situation to be sure, since she and Harry left their "royal duties" (waving, shaking hands, and collecting bouquets of flowers from children) in order to lead a private life. 

Damn that infernal press! Next thing you know it'll report how she's considering running for president! Wait, did you hear that horrifying sound? I think it was Ivanka Trump screaming. 

5) I actually took the time to write a second piece about her. I'm no better than the rest. But I'll never drive a newspaper out of business, either.

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