Wednesday, February 23, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: 2/23/2022

President Joe Biden's address on the Russian invasion of Ukraine was delayed by almost 90 minutes.

As Biden explained, "I was worried that it wasn't tough enough, so I went back and capitalized every use of the word 'sanction'."



In related news, Sen. Lindsay Graham condemned the invasion, comparing Vladmir Putin to Hitler.

When informed that Donald Trump called the invasion "genius", Graham added, "On the other hand..."



Gary Brooker, former lead singer of Procol Harum, died yesterday at the age of 76.

When asked how he knew Brooker had died, his doctor said, "He turned a whiter shade of pale."




In order to speed up the Oscar ceremonies, eight of the 23 categories will be cut from the broadcast.

A spokesman for the Motion Picture Academy said this will allow winners to make even longer speeches viewers hate.




In Portland, June Knightly, a 60 year-old Antifa supporter, was shot dead by a right-wing "furry", who, in turn, was shot by an Antifa supporter.

All sides were left confused on how to live up to their predictable views regarding gun violence and adults who dress up as animals for fun. 



A new amendment to Florida’s “Don't Say Gay” bill would require schools to inform parents of their children’s sexual orientation within six weeks of learning the student isn't straight.

The only exceptions are in the case of self-identified Christians, kids who come from prominent Republican families, and right-wingers who want to enter politics one day.



Sarah Stogner, candidate for Texas Railroad Commissioner, posted a TikTok video of
herself straddling an oil pumping jack while topless and without pants
.

Stogner explained that it showed her qualifications by showing off her luggage rack and caboose.






Pro golfer Phil Mickelson apologized for calling Saudis killers and "scary
motherfuckers" but was still signing a deal with its golf league in order to get more leverage with the PGA
.

When asked which side he was apologizing to, Michelson replied, "Whoever's giving me more money."





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