AMBER AND JOHNNY WERE SWEETHEARTS...

Aww, how sweet Johnny brought his daughter
to the premiere!

 I know I'm getting older when it doesn't occur to me to watch live coverage of the miniseries Johnny Depp v Amber Heard. The ten-minute highlights on YouTube are more than enough evidence that there no winners here other than the streaming services carrying the trial.

Who's the bigger fool? Amber Heard for writing a Washington Post op-ed referring to herself as a domestic abuse victim, but playing cute by not mentioning her ex-husband by name (was the cat abusing her?)? Or Depp for succumbing to a midlife crisis by leaving his longtime live-in girlfriend and their kids for a quarter-century younger C-list starlet best known for, um, nothing?

Nothing says "innocent" like the "alcoholic
hitman" look.

Someone on Johnny's team must have given him a head's up regarding his early appearances on the stand. It wasn't bad enough he was dressed like a gangster straight out of a 1951 Sid Caesar sketch. As my wife said, he resembled some street guy hanging around outside 7-11 who was probably cute at one time, but has since gone to seed. Since then, Depp seems to have hired a make-up professional to make him look like he didn't spend the night passed out drunk on the curb.

I'm not sure which one of these guys is in more
need of confession.

What hasn't changed is how he gives his testimony. Between his sickly appearance and mumbling oratory, Johnny Depp puts in the mono in monotone. I don't know if he's aping his late friend Marlon Brando, or is trying to convince the jury that no person this boring could be capable of the violence his ex-wife has claimed.

I do crosswords during depositions, Johnny
doodles -- to each his own.

Yesterday, I broke my vow not to watch the live coverage, and kept it on in the background while doing the New York Times crossword (thanks, seattletimes.com for making it free!). Unfortunately, the headliner was offstage, replaced by a couple of old Zoomed depositions. The people on the wi-fi hotseat -- one of them a lawyer, the other a somebody who may have been Depp's manager -- looked like they'd rather be in a car wreck, their voices low but their eyes screaming For God's sake, get me out of here!  

Also, remember closed circuit cameras
will catch you when you're drunk in
elevators with billionaires.

That manager, if that's what he was, said the first smart thing during this sorry circus. When recounting Amber Heard's relationship with Elon Musk, he mentioned her complaint about her love life always being in the papers. He replied, Stop dating famous people. There are rich guys who aren't famous, you know. 

Good luck with that. Once you've basked in the comforting warmth of the spotlight, it's difficult to get used to the cool, damp darkness of the ordinary life. Something tells me Johnny and Amber are enjoying this spectacle a lot more than they did their marriage.

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