SUBTRACTING THE ADS

Avoiding the news has certainly helped my disposition tenfold. So if the news is off-limits, what else is there to irritate me? Oh, lots of things! They tend to be minor, though, just enough to make me feel personally insulted. As in, What do you take me for, anyway? Like online ads which, although obviously paid promotions, try to look like news items:

Unless purchasing a dozen rolls of toilet paper, a box of Ritz Crackers, and a several bottles of water is going to build up my wealth, I'm really not interested. And forget about the hatchback. That's what my senior citizen subway discount is for.

At last! I've always wanted to find a way to avoid a good night's sleep. Where has this been all my life?

Let's see. Roy Scheider stunned by something he sees at the beach... Wait, don't tell me. Dinner at Eight? Barton Fink? The Big Broadcast of 1937? Wait, I know! Out of Africa! What do I win?

Yes, I do. Skinny. Abdomen prone to breaking out in rashes during cold weather. Susceptible to sunburns requiring sunblock with a SPF of over 300. Sensitive to changes in barometric pressure. Occasional leg cramps that wake me up in severe pain. Aren't you glad you asked? My wife wishes she asked before we got married.

The surprise being that you don't have to run to the bathroom five minutes after eating this thing.

Any financial expert will tell you that instead of paying your bill, it's better to keep transferring your debt to a new credit card every month until the end of your life. That way you never have to pay it!

Toothbrushes for feet -- why didn't I think of that?!

It better not be something that you eat with. However, if it's toothbrushes for your feet, you're in the clear.

She's doing great, having invested her book royalties in Exxon Mobil, Chevron, and China Petroleum & Chemical Corp. Smart girl, that Greta!

"Do what?" "No, do what to who!" "Who's who?" "No, who's what!" "What's who?" "Oh, he's our gum massager!"

When you check the invoice, make sure to find out the idiot who ordered a telegraph machine instead of an iPhone.

I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that you either make the house really dirty or you're tempting some wiseguy to break in and grill a steak in your living room. 

You mean Jackie Gleason didn't die 35 years ago? Hoo boy, the relatives who have been spending their inheritances are in big trouble! Pow, zoom!

And when you're done with the Gleason case, better warn Russell Crowe's family. He's known for having a real temper.

                                                              

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