MOUTH AKIMBO

 If someone were to ask, "Who here has ever said something stupid outloud in front of others?", my hand would shoot up so fast I'd dislocate my arm. What I have in my favor is that the stupid thing wouldn't be made public. The same can't be said about, well, public figures. In this week's episode of They Said WHAT?!, we examine three celebrities from different occupations but with a similar need to make themselves look like idiots -- all within days of each other.

SCOTT ADAMS: You might not know the name, but you probably have heard of Dilbert, his comic strip which hardcore fans seem to think is on the same level of George S. Kaufman or Voltaire. Somehow, making easy jokes about the workplace earns Adams $50-million a year. 

Or at least used to, until Adams decided to share his belief that black people were  a "hate group" and that whites should "get away" from them. (Read this piece from Salon for the whole story.) To revisit: Scott Adams literally, nay, willingly threw away an eight-figure career by not doing the very thing that made him popular: providing a distraction from stupid people.

Is it a need to prove to the world there's more to him than just, as Noel Coward put it, a talent to amuse? I just can't remain silent anymore! I'm going to break my silence! Because silence means consent! Don't you get it, Scotty? Your fans want you to say silent when you're not churning out your comic strip.

But no, he just had to prove that he's not just a cartoonist, he's a thinker. Unfortunately for him, the people responsible for his $50-mill a year don't think the same way.

SETH ROGEN: Another guy you know by name even if you don't exactly know why. Seth Rogen -- actor, director, voiceover "artist", cannabis entrepreneur, former friend of sexual predator James Franco -- wants you to know that bad reviews hurt his feelings and those of his fellow entertainers. "It’s devastating. I know people who have never recovered from it honestly," he whined on a podcast this week. "It fucking sucks."

Hey, Seth, you know what most people find devastating? Working a job where the salary forces them to choose between the rent, food, medicine, and whatever other bills are jamming their mailbox. Praying every day their kids don't get shot up in math class. Not being able to afford health insurance. That fucking sucks. You wanna trade places with the hoi-polloi, I'm sure you'll find many, many takers who will somehow find it in them to put up with people who say I don't like your movie.

Perhaps smoking pot throughout the day has fogged your mind, Seth, so let me give you a piece of very old advice: don't read reviews. I repeat: Don't. Read. Reviews. Presto, no more devastation! If I had your worth ($80-million! For making stoner movies!), critics could compare me to Francis the Talking Mule, and I'd hee-haw in their faces. Anybody who goes into show business expecting universal acclaim deserves bad reviews. 

PRINCE HARRY: No introduction needed. And he'll make sure of that, because
you can't escape him or his C-list wife. Not even the brutal takedowns from South Park or Chris Rock (leave it to a cartoon and comedian to cut the deepest wounds) have made him think twice about opening his royal mouth. 

Possessing all the self-awareness of a dust mite, Harry continued his attempt to live a private life by livestreaming his therapy session. I will be mighty disappointed if this doesn't make the cold open of Saturday Night Live. Not that there's anything funny about seeking therapy. No, it's only funny when you do it for anybody with an internet connection because of an overwhelming need to overshare your overspoken problems.

During the session, Dr. Gabor Mate, Harry's co-star therapist, gave his patient the bad news thusly: “Whether you like it or not, I have diagnosed you with ADD. You can agree or disagree." As if Harry would disagree with any diagnosis that would make his fans further sympathize with the man who willingly gave up a high-paying, do-nothing job for a measly $150-million deal with Netfilix where he had to put up with a camera crew following him around while complaining how tough his life is.

Dr. Mate didn't make his diagnosis on the spot. No sir. He's a professional, who came to that conclusion... after reading Harry's memoirs. Which had a ghostwriter. Meaning Harry didn't write it himself. That's three steps from Harry, by my count, meaning the doctor's diagnosis is roughly on par with mine -- which makes me just as reliable! 

But the real laugh came when, in an interview with BBC, Harry said he "always felt slightly different" from the rest of his family. Holy Frogmore! That's quite the admission. You know who else feels "slightly different" from their family, Harry? EVERYBODY!  The only kids who don't are identical siblings -- because they're identical. And you can bet your last farthing that William gives thanks for feeling different from you every day. 

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