SHOO FLY

 You may have been reading that my beloved city of New York has of late been overrun by foreigners. Foreigners who add nothing to our lives except misery and destruction. And it seems that no matter what we do to stop them, they return in larger numbers every year. Is there no way to put an end to this unwanted invasion?

You know what I'm talking about: the Japanese Lantern Fly.

Don't let those pretty wings fool you.

Unlike the unwanted Asian immigrants of the 19th-century, the JLFs (to use textspeak) spend most of their time destroying trees and dozens of other plant species by laying eggs, oozing a mold-creating mush called "honeydew", and, most disgustingly, sucking sap from innocent flora. Without consent!

So bad are the damnable JLFs that the state's Department of Environmental Protection has given New Yorkers the A-OK to kill them on sight. And since this is the time of year they make themselves known, the word has gotten around fast. 

Trust me, he was asking for it.

Perhaps because we live so close to a park, nearby streets are covered with smashed JLFs. For the first time, local government officials are literally asking us to give into our worst impulses. 

While all ages have gotten in on the fun, it's boys between the ages of 5 and 10 that really put their foot down. Crushing JLFs is like deliberately smashing toy cars together or running their electric trains off the tracks, only better: they are actually killing these things. 

And not on the sly, either. At first sight of the flies, kids break from their mother's grip and BAM! Down goes their size 6 Nikes with the spirit of a Wagner Group mercenary. In return for their life-taking action, they receive a "good work!" from Mommy, furthering their urge to hunt.

Last August, when disembarking the East River ferry in Brooklyn for work for a week, I'd spent my several minutes smashing JLFs that made the mistake of crossing my path. There seemed to be countless of these mini-Godzillas in that area, where a large park was located a few blocks away. While there were already dozens of dead specimens there, the living ones didn't seem to get the message because they kept right on coming.

But these lanterns aren't so dim anymore. The JLF 2023 model has improved pick-up and better speed. Where once I scored a 95% kill rate, I'm no better than 60% on my best days now. Where's Yevgeny Prigozhin now that we need him?

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