MR. & MRS. SMITH

Doesn't she look happy to be with him?

 Will "Slappy" Smith isn't the first guy to be made a horse's ass of by a woman. But few, if
any, have experienced it almost continually in public for years. Whether it's being emasculated by his wife on podcasts, interviews, or, now, in an autobiography, Smith has become what was once thought impossible: the object of ever-so-slight sympathy. From some people, anyway. 

For the rest of us -- well, it makes ordinary schmoes feel just fine with their station in life. I might not have $350-million that Smith allegedly possesses, but at least I have a modicum of pride. 

Twice as many photos of Jada looking happy
with her soulmate than with her husband.

Jada's latest salvo is her admission that the late Tupack Shakur was her "soulmate" during their relationship. 

This is high-larious for a couple of reasons. First, anybody who uses the word "soulmate" in public has the emotional maturity of a 17 year-old. And may I remind you Jada is 51. Second -- and this is even more obvious -- she's been married to another guy for almost 20 years. 

Just what possess Jada Pinkett-Smith to degrade, demean, or otherwise debase the guy she was supposed to love and cherish, has never been properly explained. Was she jealous of Smith's popularity during his movie heyday? Does she regret leaving the TV series Gotham after only one year? Is it because nobody can name one of her movies? I mean, do you remember seeing anything with her name on the credits? Or wanting to?

And then there's Will. Why on earth would he put up with being kicked in the teeth, only to have them kicked out again when they grew back, by the mother of his children? It can't be just the sex, can it? Smith can get likely get anyone, anytime, while Jada had a four-year affair with her son's friend. 

Frankly, that astonishes me. Not because there was a 20-year difference in their ages, but to me Jada has the sex appeal of a statue of Paul Revere. She couldn't be any colder if she wintered in an Amana freezer.

That little extracurricular activity with her son's friend must have played havoc with Jada. In a recent interview, she admitted -- and why not, since she admits everything other than the size of her bowel movements -- that she's been celibate for six years. That was after explaining that she and Smith have been separated since 2017. 

Compared to what Will's been going through,
Chris got off easy.

Hah! That means the physical assault seen around the world was for nothing! Except, perhaps, to convince us that the Smith marriage was on solid footing, thank you, and nobody says nothing about his little lady. Because that's how a middle-aged man reacts about the woman he loves -- just like Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. Totally normal. 

So what does Will Smith do now? Any other guy would look in the mirror and say, "Y'know, I think you've taken enough of this crap. Forget that 'for better or for worse' stuff. It's gotten way worse than worse." Of course, that would likely mean giving up half his fortune. And once you've gotten used to having $350-million at your beck-and-call, $175-mill looks paltry. 

Better to be a walking, talking horse's ass. It's easier than admitting your life has been a $350-million sham. Enjoy that Oscar, Will. You earned it, but not for a performance in a movie.

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