DAZE OF FUTURE PAST

Let's not, and say we did.

 For several years, MGM released the occasional one-reeler recounting the writings of Nostradmus, the 16th-century French medicine man who spent his off-hours writing wacky predictions of events centuries hence. 

As read by narrator Carey Wilson, these predictions sound like ol' Nos was under the influence of just enough deadly nightshade not to be deadly. Or, if you're more cynical, his writing style is so deliberately quirky that he can mean anything to anybody.

That seemed to be the idea behind the Nostradamus shorts during World War II, where a phrase along the lines of "a foreign leader with two dark eyes will make the world tremble" would appear to describe Hitler. 

Carey Wilson was always quick to cover his tracks, though, by asking, "Could this be Hitler he had predicted? He's foreign, his eyes are dark, and the world trembles under his rule." You can bet that the 19th-century version of Wilson would have postulated the ruler in question was Napoleon. Or Otto Von Bismark. Or even Cornelius Vanderbilt -- if his railroads didn't make the world literally tremble, I don't know what did.

These shorts are good for a chuckle and, at times, a bit of real European history, that you didn't learn in school. Whether Nostradamus' wacky words actually refer to what you're watching onscreen is another thing entirely. 

That doesn't stop the New York Post from running Nostradamus' mouth at this time every year. One of the predictions for 2023 was “Celestial fire on the royal edifice.” This is where the usual did-he-mean-this routine comes in. "Celestial fire" sounds like a comet, while "royal edifice" could mean any governmental building in 16th century lingo.

John Burton, MGM's Nostradamus. He was
uncredited in almost all his movies, which he
should have predicted.

Since all the world's palaces are still standing (as of this date), people who believe Nostradamus are certain the "celestial fire" refers to Meghan Markle figuratively torching Buckingham Palace -- because she's a "star." 

But what about Donald Trump? He was a TV star, who's been trying to burn down all democratic institutions. That's how I translate "royal edifice". See how easy this predicting stuff is?

Well, which Queen, wise guy?

Next year, according the Post, it looks like King Charles III will hit the road --unless Nostradamus means the King of Monaco, Tuvalu, Lesotho, or one of the other 46 monarchies. He also says "a Red adversary" is going to start a war. The Post is certain this means China.  But Cuba's pretty red! And don't forget North Korea. Another Nostradamus newsflash is the death of "the Pontiff", which sure sounds like Pope Francis. But I translate "Pontiff" as any world leader. So my money's on Paul Biya, the 92 year-old president of Cameroon. Or King Harald V of Norway (86). And just to be inclusive, let's throw in Denmark's Queen Margrethe II (83). 

Come back next December. If I was wrong, blame Nostradamus. He's a pretty nebulous dude.

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