THEY'RE JUST LIKE US (EXCEPT FOR THEIR MONEY)

Continuing to bore us.

 It isn't often you get three news stories on royal families breaking on the same day
(that is, the stories breaking, not the royal families, although many would prefer the latter). 

Two of the stories involved the ever-reliable headline "HEALTH SCARES" on the local news, complete with a bright red background also used for murders, subway derailments, and Donald Trump's courtroom appearances. 

And frankly, at least one of those royal stories doesn't really count as a "health scare". King Charles III is going under the knife for an enlarged royal prostate, something at his age would be as unexpected as a teenage mother in Mississippi. The only thing I find interesting about it is that there's a doctor at the palace who's going to dine out forever on giving the digital drive-through on the freaking King of England! 

Princess Katherine is another story entirely, having undergone "abdominal surgery" which will keep her out of circulation until early spring. Now that's more in the "health scare" range. But what makes it potentially scarier is that she's keeping mum regarding the details. 

"Bring me the one wearing Dolce &
Gabbana!"

While I understand the desire for privacy, it also has the ability to fire up all kind of conspiracy theories. One that I'm throwing out for all to consider is that she was impregnated by an alien during a late-night stroll around her country estate, and the Firm wants to get rid of the evidence. Prove me wrong! (And just to be aboveboard, I've had three surgeries during my lifetime, although none involving pregnancy via aliens or humans.)

"Check your oil, your highness?"

The other royal rumpus happened almost 2,000 miles from Buckingham Palace, in the country of Albania. Bet you didn't know Albania had a royal family! Bet you didn't know Albania even existed anymore, either. And when the country's average annual net salary is the equivalent of $8,880, you'll probably wonder how the hell they can even afford a royal family. In fact, judging by this photo, it looks like the Prince himself is something of a well-dressed pump jockey at the local Sunoco station.

But this is not the time to crack wise about Prince Leka II and Princess Elia, even if they do sound like the rulers of Tatooine. Albanians were (I guess) heartbroken to learn of the couple's recent split after less than eight years of marriage. There was no definitive reason given, although the strange greeting on the Prince's Instagram account -- "Hello friends and lovers" -- sounds like he's talking to some consorts, and not the royal kind, either. 

Too, they don't seem to be shook up about it, either, if the official announcement (oddly, written in the third person) is any indication: "Since marriage has lost its function, they have decided to resolve it with mutual consent by starting the necessary legal procedures." 

Not if your names are Leka
and Elia.

As they say in Albania, Cfare dreqin?! "Marriage has lost its function" -- what does that even mean? And does it mean their marriage or marriage in general? If it's the former, just by referring to it as a "function", like, say, the way a toilet flushes, then I can understand the spark has gone out of their lives. But if it's the latter, speak for yourself, Leka! Just because you and your former actress wife (just like another bearded prince's wife!) can't hack it on your civil service job doesn't mean the institution of marriage itself isn't worth the trouble. 

Unless, of course, Princes Elia has some inside information regarding Vladmir Putin's next invasion plans, considering he recently referred to Albania as an illegitimate country. Tatooine is calling you back, Princess!

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