JOHNSON'S WAXY

You don't have to encounter death first-hand to know that your life has, um, a shelf-life. But If the more-or-less billionaire Bryan Johnson has his way, he's going to stick around forever.

How is that a 46 year-old who think he can pass for
36 actually looks like a 56 year-old with a facelift?

Thanks to a ridiculously strict regime of diet, exercise, hair regrowth, and being hooked up to a machine to keep track of his nighttime erections  (personally, I couldn't count that high for mine, haw haw!), Johnson is out to become a human oak tree -- if an oak tree had a monthly colonoscopy every month as he does. I dread having to go through that nightmare quinquennially, and this nut willingly does it every four weeks!

Son of Dracula.

Johnson doesn't go through this routine alone -- that would be no fun. Instead, he has a team of 30 doctors and "regenerative health experts" (what you and I call well-paid yes-men) on the payroll. And why not make this a family affair? That's where he indulges in incestual vampirism, roping his teenage son Talmage into providing plasma -- because there's nothing like donating blood to someone who's perfectly healthy instead of, say, a person with leukemia who's just going to die anyway. 

Johnson takes great pride not just in his lifestyle -- which doesn't seem to provide much time for actually living -- but in his looks, as the 46 year-old claims to look a decade younger. While I can't immediately get my hands on photos of me when I was his age, you can rest assured I resembled a human being and not something that would be rejected by Madame Tussaud's for not looking realistic. His face alone is more waxy than a week's worth of ears an ENT has to clean out. If this is what his vegan diet looks like, I'm dining at Keen's Steakhouse every night -- and hold the broccoli!

Head's up, Bryan, we see what you're doing!

The other delusional claim Johnson likes to make is how is hair has regrown thanks to his own concoction -- known in earlier times as snake oil -- and something called "red light therapy". Anybody using the latter should treat it as they would a similarly-colored traffic light and STOP. 

Maybe I'm just cynical, but by my sight it appears that while some of his hair might have grown back, it appears to be from the back of his head and simply combed forward. Again speaking from my own experience, I comb my thinning hair front to back. Not to convince people I have more of it, but because my only other choice would be to shave it off. That, in turn, would force me to grow a goatee to even things out. Unfortunately, my facial hair is completely gray, which would add, rather than subtract, the years from my appearance. And women think they have it hard when it comes to staying beautiful!

Warning: possible side effects
include too-tight t-shirts,
1970s disco necklaces, and
blue fingernails.

That before-and-after screenshot above is from a few years ago, while the one on the left is more recent. You'll notice that this time he's further from the camera so you can't tell for sure if Johnson has grown more hair or, as is more likely, he spends 45 minutes trying to make it look like he's actually sprouting it. 

What can't be debated is that he lies -- lies, I tell you -- when boasting his hair has returned to its natural color. All you have to do is compare photos that show its hue changes from year to year. Currently it's cordovan, the unnatural shade that guys use when they think they're fooling everybody. (Speaking of hair, it looks like Johnson has indulged in dermaplaning because shaving is for old guys!)

But if you're a true believer in what he's peddling, Johnson is happy to start you off with two bottles of his "longevity" olive oil for 75 bucks. And you might want to try out the shockwave penis therapy he indulges in three nights a week. Although I can't understand why he submits to that when it's pretty obvious he's too busy trying to live forever to get laid. If Bryan Johnson is the symbol of living right, I think I'll stick to what I'm doing -- and not doing -- and let genetics handle the rest. I might not look young, but at least I won't be mistaken for a bad CGI creation.

And yes, I think he's had plastic surgery.

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