SPAM SCAM CLAM

Lately, I've received a few emails from folks wanting to infect either my computer or my life. I can tell the senders got the information from a recent leak due to capital letters I occasionally use on other sites. 

One of them follows. A quick copy and paste on Google proved there were plenty of others, men and women, who received the identical email (other than the demanded ransom, which changed from person to person). I've X'ed out my address and phone number; I've also added my own comments in red from time to time. 

KEVIN KUSINITZ, 

I know that calling XXXXXXXXX or visiting XXXXXXXX would be a convenient way to talk to you if you don't cooperate. Don't even try to hide from this. You have no idea what I'm capable of in NEW YORK. (Alright, don't holler, don't holler!)

It's important you pay attention to this message right now. Take a moment to chill, breathe, and analyze it thoroughly.' (You appear to have added a period and apostrophe in lieu of an exclamation mark. Better brush up on your punctuation.) Cause we're about to discuss a deal between you and me, and I don't play games. (Considering I can't reply, I'd say you were doing the discussing.) You do not know me but I know you and right now, you are thinking how, right? (Actually, I already know you bought my contact info off the dark web.)

Well, you've been a bit careless lately, clicking through those girlie videos and venturing into the darker corners of cyberspace. ("Girlie?" What is this, the 1930s?) I installed a Malware on a porn website and you accessed it to watch(know what I mean?). ("Accessed it to watch" would make a good song title.) And when you got busy watching our videos, your smartphone started working as a RDP (Remote Device) which provided me total access to your system. ("An RDP" if you please.) I can look at everything on your screen, flick on your cam and mic, and you wouldn't even suspect a thing. (If I were to do what you claim, I'd have one of the slidey things over the camera lens, but I don't so you didn't.) Oh, and I've got access to all your emails, contacts, and social media accounts too. (If by social media accounts you mean this blog, thank you for being one more reader!)

Been keeping tabs on your pathetic life for a while now. (OK, I grant you it's pathetic.) It's just your bad luck that I noticed your misdemeanor. (Do parking tickets count? Because I have more than one.) I gave in more days than I probably should have looking into your life. (I told you it was pathetic!) Extracted quite a bit of juicy info from your system. and I've seen it all. (You mean the stuff about Vitaphone movies? If so, how long did it take you to fall asleep?) Yeah, Yeah, I've got footage of you doing filthy things in your room (nice setup, by the way). (The only part of the room you'd see is my bed backboard, when I check my email after an afternoon nap, but thanks for the compliment.) I then developed videos and screenshots where on one side of the screen, there's whatever garbage you were playing, and on the other half, it is you doing filthy things. With just a click, I can send this filth to all of your contacts. (A couple of things to unpack. First, you develop film, not video. Second, while I don't clean the apartment was well as my wife, I'd hardly call it filthy.)

Your confusion is clear, but don't expect sympathy. (Oh, expecting sympathy from anybody is long gone.) As a family man, I am willing to wipe the slate clean, and let you continue with your life and wipe your slate clean. (You appear to be wiping the slate clean twice. Can you clean the phone screen while you're at it?) I will provide you two options. Alternative one is to turn a deaf ear my email. (I believe you mean "blind eye".) Let me tell you what is going to happen if you take this path. I will send your video to all of your contacts. The video is lit, and I can't even fathom the embarrasement you'll endure when your colleagues, friends, and fam watch it. ("Embarrasement"? Don't you have spellcheck?) But hey, that's life, ain't it? (The correct word would be "isn't". First punctuation, then spelling, then grammar!) Don't be playing the victim here. (Whatever happened to the days when people would simply say "Don't play the victim here"? Why does everybody think they're the next P. Diddy?)

Wiser second option is to pay me, and be confidential about it. We will call this my “confidentiality charges”. (What's wrong with "blackmail"? More to the point!) Lets see what will happen when you select this way out. (You could've used your previously errant apostrophe on "Lets"). Your filthy secret remains private. (Thank you for not alerting my wife that I'm dropping even more money on old movies she'll never deign to watch.) I'll wipe everything clean once you come through with the payment. You will make the payment through Bitcoins only. (I dunno; I trust Bitcoin even less than I do you.) I want you to know I'm aiming for a win-win here. I am a man of my words. (Well, if I can't trust a scammer, who can I trust? And it's "word".)

Amount to be sent: $2000 (Hey, why did you demand only $1450 from others on your hitlist? Who do you think I am, Rockefeller?)

BTC ADDRESS IS: 1AS9v9A9Hc9f75rJSWuh9LYDhHbVMnL4H5 (This means bupkis to me, so I guess I'm in trouble.)

Once you pay up, you'll sleep like a baby. (I didn't sleep like a baby when I was a baby.) I keep my word. (Thank you for taking the "s" out of "words" this time.)

Important: You now have one day to make the payment and I will only accept Bitcoins (I have a specific pixel in this email, and at this moment I know that you've read this mail). (Had I known this ahead of time, I would have deleted it before reading. But I couldn't resist opening it, so muy bad.) My system will catch that Bitcoin payment and wipe out all the dirt I got on you. ("Have on me", Mr. English Teacher.) Don't even think about replying to this or negotiating, it's pointless. The email and wallet are custom-made for you, untraceable. (I would love a custom-made wallet.) If I catch that you've shared or discussed this mail with anyone else, the video will instantly start getting sent to your contacts. (Does that include talking to anybody in person?) And don't even think about turning off your phone or resetting it to factory settings. (Serious question: how do you know what I'm thinking?) It's pointless. I don't make mistakes, KEVIN. (Again with the CAPS. Dead giveaway.)

Nice locality btw (I have to admit, it's almost clever that you got the photo from Google Street Maps. But the scaffolding on the right was taken down at least three years ago. Keep up with the times, my man!)

Honestly, those online tips about covering your camera

aren't as useless as they seem. (That's why I have them on my laptop and Kindle. The only reason I don't have it on the phone is because it kept falling off in my pocket.) I am waiting for my payment.. (Keep waiting. And why two periods instead of one?)

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