BREAKING NEWS: WASHINGTON REDSKINS EDITION

As controversy continued to grow regarding the Washington Redskins, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) announced he would not attend any of their games until owner Daniel Snyder stopped using "a racial slur" as their name. He was also one of 50 senators who signed a petition urging Snyder to drop the name immediately.

When a reporter asked Reid why he was only now urging the team, which has been playing since 1937, to change its name, the senator replied, "I had no idea 'Redskins' was a racist word. I was under the impression that it referred to potatoes. I like potato skins on my fries, so naturally that was the first thing that came to mind. Once I found out the truth, I was shocked as anybody, as were my colleagues. My good friend Chuck Schumer of New York thought it meant sunburns. My friend Maria Cantwell, the Senator from Washington, always heard it as 'Ruxpin' -- you know, like Teddy Ruxpin, the talking teddy bear. I guess she gave one to her niece or something. So we were stunned, let me tell you, to learn the truth." 

Asked how all of that could be possible when the Redskins' logo was the image of a Native American, Reid said, "My good friend Angus King, the Senator from the fine state of Maine, thought it was a caricature of a bird, with the feathers and everything. Now, my good friend Bernie Sanders from Vermont, on the other hand, honestly believed it was a Socialist symbol -- a red man, get it? -- so you can bet he had no problem with it. The rest of us were too busy doing the people's work to notice. Yet we made sure, once the truth was made known to us, to put everything else aside -- the V.A. scandal, the Iraqi crisis, Russia providing arms to Ukrainian rebels, schools being shot up every week -- in order to tackle this problem. I wish we could sign petitions for everything; it would make our job a lot easier."

In related news, the U.S. Patent Office cancelled the Redskins' trademark due to it being "disparaging" to Native Americans. A source close to Redskins' management admitted they were considering other names that would "reflect the city's image." Those names included the Lobbyists, the Crooks, the Hypocrites, the Job-For-Lifers, and the Good-For-Nothings. 

The unnamed source added that the name Congressmen is in the running as well, since, like pro football players, they work only four months a year.

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