BREAKING NEWS: 9/10/15

The Al-Qaeda magazine Inspire is urging its readers to kill  American billionaires including the Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson, and Jim Walton. 

In response, Democratic National Committee leader Debbie Wasserman-Schultz said, "I condemn al-qaeda's statement. They should come up with their own platform instead of ripping off ours."

Former Olympic champion Suzy Favor Hamilton admits that an undiagnosed bipolar disorder created her "biggest high" as a sex addict.

In related news, pharmacies have recorded an increase in husbands cancelling their wives' Thorazine prescriptions.

A downtown New York police captain wants to push the hot-dog vendors who surround the World Trade Center further from the site because their carts could be used to hide explosive devices.

An anonymous worker in the area agreed. "If they haven't eaten one of these hot dogs, they don't know what an explosive device is."

George Pataki told CNN he would have fired Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, if she worked for him.

Pataki was then asked, "And you are...?"

Italian fashion brand Valentino posted a photo of two pairs of its latest shoes that appeared to be in the shape of a swastika.

When asked why he placed the shoes that way, the photographer said, "I was only following orders."

The New York Times has come under fire from Jewish organizations for launching a website aimed at tracking how Jewish lawmakers are voting on the Iran nuclear agreement.

A spokesman said there was nothing anti-Semitic about the site, before leaving for a sale on Valentino shoes.


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