BREAKING NEWS: 9/29/15

Researchers at North Carolina State University have discovered that fingerprints reveal if you're of European or African descent.

When asked why just looking at someone's skin color wouldn't be easier, Dr. Brad Lanes said, "That would be racist."

Carly Fiorina has come out in favor of waterboarding, the 9/11-era 'enhanced interrogation' technique that a Senate committee last year called 'brutal' and a form of torture.

Asked why she supported such a controversial stand, Fiorina said, "It worked at HP."

Researchers in China claim that the sex-enhancement drug Viagra could also be used to successfully lose weight.

They warn, however, that anyone remaining thin for more than four hours should consult a doctor.

A new biography of Hillary Clinton claims that she agreed to her husband's suggestion that she undergo plastic surgery before running for president, but only if it was done in her office.

During the procedure, Bill Clinton is reported to have selflessly visited the plastic surgeon's office to keep the receptionist company.

Audiences who have watched the first screenings of The Walk, a 3D-Imax movie about French daredevil Philippe Petit's highwire act between the Twin Towers in 1974, have been left physically sick, with many viewers throwing up in the aisles.

Theatre manager Spence Waugh told reporters, "I haven't seen a reaction like this since I ran the last Nicholas Cage movie."

In a new interview with Complex, Justin Beiber says, "I just wanna honestly live like Jesus."

In response, millions of people have offered to drive him out to the desert before nailing him to a cross.





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