BREAKING NEWS: 9/30/15

Republican presidential candidate and current Ohio Governor John Kasich has said that he will sign a bill that allows women to undergo an abortion only for state-approved reasons.

Kaisch reiterated his belief that abortions should be legal "only when the political life of a Republican is at stake."

The expected Oscar nominee subjects for 2016 are expected to include lesbians and pedophiles.

No word yet, however, on what the characters they're playing are going to be.




CNN has confirmed that former Rhode Island Governor and Senator Lincoln Chafee will take part in the first Democratic presidential debate next month.

CNN spokesman Brad Lanes added, "Senator Chafee will bring his unique perspective on refilling the water glasses for the other candidates."

A former captive of ISIS says that the terrorist group is harvesting healthy organs, including kidneys and corneas, from its prisoners.

Planned Parenthood immediately opened a job recruitment center in Baghdad.



When asked about Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during an interview on CNN, Bill Clinton said that you "can't insult your way to White House."

Clinton added, "You gotta do what Hillary does, and lie your way there."

Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush claimed that African-Americans vote for Democrats because the party offers them "free stuff."

Bush added, "At least Republican donors know they have to pay upfront for the tax breaks we give them."


A Facebook page called "No Hymen, No Diamond" has been set up by "male rights activists" urging women to practice abstinence before marriage.

A sight set up by single women opposing them has been titled, "No Brains, No Head."


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