BREAKING NEWS: 4/18/16

The organizers of the Coachella Music Festival are planning an October concert featuring Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Roger Waters, Neil Young, the Rolling Stones, and the Who.

Coachella spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "The only thing more exciting than having all these legendary artists together for the first time is seeing how many of them live long enough to make it."

Dubai's top religious authorities have issued a fatwa against WiFi theft. Fatwas often go hand-in-hand with death sentences.

The authorities admitted they got the idea from Time-Warner Cable.

A group of around 100 Bernie Sanders supporters angrily showered Hillary Clinton's motorcade in 1,000 one-dollar bills as the 2016 Democratic presidential candidate drove to a fundraiser with George and Amal Clooney on Saturday.

Four people were injured, none seriously, when Clinton slammed on the brake before collecting the money.

Isidore Heath Campbell, who named his son Adolf Hitler and daughter Eva Braun before they were taken away by social services, says he is sick of people treating him like garbage.

"Our client, Mr. Campbell, assures people he means no disrespect to anybody," said a spokesman from the law firm of Goebbels, Himmler & Goring.

Michael John Harcharik, a New Mexico paramedic, stole a debit card from a man getting treatment, and used it to spend more than $11,000 after the patient died, authorities said.

In his defense, Mr. Harcharik said the guy wasn't going to use it anymore anyway.

Bernie Sanders drew his biggest crowd yet at a Prospect Park rally in his hometown of Brooklyn on Sunday.

"As I think back on the massive groups of supporters during this campaign," Sanders told the cheering throng, "I am humbled by the fact that if any of you were actually registered to vote, I might have had a chance of winning this goddamn election!"

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