BREAKING NEWS: 4/19/16

Ted Cruz said Monday that single moms living in rough urban neighborhoods should pack guns so they can protect their kids.

"And if nothing else," he added, "they won't have the police to blame for shooting each other."

Disgraced former New York assemblyman Sheldon Silver has been accused of being a "cheap date" by carrying on affairs with his mistresses in rundown Albany hotels.

Silver defended himself by pointing out he was saving the taxpayers' money.

According to the new biography The Naturalist, Teddy Roosevelt started planning New York's Museum of Natural History in his bedroom.

Kim Kardashian boasted, "Hey, that's where I started my career, too!"

As Election Day approaches, Republicans are worried not only  about losing the White House, but control of the Senate as well.

Minority Leader Harry Reid told them, however, that if the Democrats reclaim the Senate, the GOP "can rest assured that we still won't do a damn thing about gun control, lobbyists writing laws, or corporate fatcats flooding the political system with money. We're just better-dressed whores, that's all!"




Google Trend number crunchers compared searches for presidential candidates with the food their New York-based supporters like the most. They discovered that their diets reflect their politics.

TRUMP SUPPORTERS:

• White fish with white sauce and white rice
• Cauliflower
• Wonder Bread
• Vanilla Ice Cream

CLINTON SUPPORTERS:

• Raw meat
• Nails
• Lizard's leg
• Owlet's wing

SANDERS SUPPORTERS:

• Whatever's on the early bird menu

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