BREAKING NEWS: 8/22/16

In Dayton, Ohio, Michael Henson, 35,was arrested for attempting to have sexual intercourse with a red van.

"In Henson's defense," said Dayton Police spokesman Brad Lanes, "it was easy to confuse it with Kim Kardashian."



Pastor Tony Perkins, who calls natural disasters God's punishment of gays, saw his home destroyed by floods in Louisiana last week.

"While there's a lot of damage," Perkins told reporters, "I'm just grateful that my collection of Joan Crawford movies was saved."

Barbara Streisand successfully demanded that Apple CEO Tim Cook fix Suri's pronunciation of her last name on iPads and iPhones.

Going forward, Suri will pronounce "Streisand" as "Obnoxious Yenta."

One of Donald Trump's spiritual advisers, Frank Amedia, says God told him the GOP presidential candidate will bring about the Second Coming.

Informed of this, Melania Trump said, "That's one more than I've gotten since being married."


In related news, Joseph Schmitz, one of the Trump campaign advisers, is accused of bragging about firing Jewish employees during his time as Defense Dept. Inspector General, as well as being a Holocaust denier.

"This is typical of Schmitz," a press release from Hillary Clinton said, "taking a good idea and not shutting up about it."


In Rio, BBC-TV Olympics reporter Dan Walker was interrupted during his broadcast by a couple in the background having sex in the beach.

The man was later disqualified by judges after testing positive for Viagra. 

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