BREAKING NEWS: 8/23/16

Mayor Bill de Blasio has signed a bill which no longer requires New York cabdrivers to speak English.

A quick survey found most New Yorkers asking, "Did they ever?"

Students in North Korean are being taught classes about “doom” and preparing for the end of the world.

In related news, Hillary Clinton is ahead in most polls.


At a city council meeting in Austin, Texas, council member Don Zimmerman told a group of visiting Latino high school students to "do something useful" so they didn't have to "live off others."

In response, the students pledged not to enter politics.


Wisconsin Republican Senator Ron Johnson has suggested that cities could save money by replacing history teachers with Ken Burns' documentaries and Google searches.

Wisconsin voters have suggested replacing Senator Johnson with a Blu-Ray of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.



New Jersey is reporting a spike in people addicted to loperamide, the active ingredient in Imodium A-D, with many taking up to 24 tablets a day.

On the positive side, these same people have reported saving a lot of money on toilet paper.

Izzat Artykov, a weightlifter from Kyrgyzstan, was stripped of his bronze medal at the Olympics after testing positive for rat poison.

Asked why he ingested it, Artykov said it was cheaper than Raid.



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