TIGER TIGER BURNING BRIGHT, IN THE FORESTS OF THE -- NOT!

It's a real nowhere tooth...

Three years ago, a Canadian dentist paid $31,000 for a molar that, roughly half a century earlier, had been extracted from John Lennon's mouth.

This wasn't just any old addition to a Beatle fan's memorabilia collection. The idea was to one day extract DNA from the tooth in order to clone Lennon and continue his musical genius.

Dentists, even in Canada, need to go through a rather rigorous education, as this page shows. Unfortunately, however, all this training precludes any trace of common sense. Because, unless you were going to recreate the first 21 years of John's life right down to the Strawberry Field orphanage, all you were going to have was a kid who might bear a resemblance to him, and who maybe had a vague interest in playing guitar. Come to New York, you'll be tripping over plenty of kids who fit the description in no time. 

Scientists in Australia, on the other hand, know better than to clone a human:

Australian scientists have unlocked more secrets about the mysterious Tasmanian Tiger in DNA hidden for over 100 years.

In a tiny jar locked away in Melbourne Museum scientists found an infant tiger specimen that had been preserved by chance after it was dropped it in ethanol 108 years ago.

This has excited experts who say the discovery is the next step in bringing the iconic animal back from extinction.

In case you were looking for that special Christmas
gift for somebody that has everything.

I bet you didn't even know there was any such thing as a Tasmanian Tiger. In fact, the only famous Tasmanian anything is the Tasmanian Devil (left), which doesn't look a thing like its Warner Bros. cartoon counterpart. Oh, and Errol Flynn, who was born and raised there. So that's two Tasmanian anythings.

Flynn, although having died in 1959, still managed to outlive the Tasmanian Tiger by 23 years. The animal has since reached near-mythological status in its homeland, having been wiped out mainly by farmers who were more keen on keeping their crops and sheep flock alive.

So naturally there's something almost romantic about bringing back an animal that disappeared due to the deadliest of species. You'd probably want to see it yourself.

OK, great. Let's say Aussie scientists succeed in their quest, and return the tiger back to the wilds of its homeland. Now picture you and your loved ones taking a hike through the lovely wilds of Tasmania. The air is crisp and clean; the sun is gradually making its way down to the horizon. What a fascinating country! you say to your family. Then you turn a corner, and face this thing:

Your first reaction -- after screaming like a girl and knocking down your children in order to run away as fast as possible -- would probably be something like What the fuck is that thing?

Why, that's the Tasmanian Tiger, friend! Part ferocious feline, part mad dog, part creature from hell. You know, the animal that you cursed your fellow humans for driving into extinction, and you always wanted to see in person. Because it was such a romantic idea. Can you figure out now why farmers in Tasmania did you a favor?

Just because you can doesn't mean
you should.

Obviously, scientists, for all their brainpower, have learned nothing from the endless Jurassic Park sequels -- don't bring monsters back to life! Heck, they could have understood that when they were kids just by watching They Saved Hitler's Brain on the late show. 

Nobody wants to bring back silent movies, UHF, hand-cranked autos, or ice boxes. They're harmless but utterly obsolete. Tasmanian Tigers, on the other hand, are the stuff of nightmares. UHF won't hurt you. Those monsters will.

Bringing them back would be a waste of time, anyway. Because unless you intend to cage every cloned Tasmanian Tiger, sooner or later, farmers are going to make sure they go extinct again faster than you can say, "The dingo ate my baby!"

Australian farmers would like to wipe out kangaroos for the same reason. You might think kangaroos are cute, wacky-looking creatures just hopping around the outback, carrying their youngsters in a natural fanny pack. But to farmers, they're six-foot tall rats with Olympic boxing skills, and would like nothing more than to see them next to the brontosaurus in the "Animals No Longer With Us" exhibit at the local museum.

Yet for the madmen with the test tubes, the Tasmanian Tiger is chump change. What they really want to do is bring back is the woolly mammoth. That spectacle might be rather fascinating from where you're sitting. But try running the idea of giant hairy elephants lumbering across the cold Northern climes past some Eskimo villagers first. See how romantic they think it is.

Memo to the Canadian dentist: Don't introduce John's tooth to Yoko Ono.

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Woody Allen knew what to do with kangaroos (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPqvqPIGFts):