BULLETS FOR BALLOTS

Ugly is as ugly does.

Contrary to popular belief, the most powerful person in the world isn't the President of the United States. That honorific -- make that horrorific -- goes to Wayne LaPierre, the Fuhrer of the National Rifle Association.

You think I'm exaggerating? Puh-leeze! No other man has the ability to convince lawmakers to ignore the 70% of the population who demand a ban on assault rifles, and the 97% who endorse stronger background checks.

Ninety-seven percent! The last time we saw that kind of negative unanimity, New Coke disappeared from store shelves faster than you can say, "Another school shooting."

The remarkable thing about LaPierre is that he's straight out of Central Casting, looking every miserable inch like a villain from a movie about, well, an evil gun lobby fronting for weapons industry. It's as if the NRA board of directors asked themselves, "Who can we get to represent the very worst of what our organization stands for, while ignoring whatever's left?" 

Hoover proves his machine-
gun-loving chops.

LaPierre's speech at this week's CPAC meeting ticked all the boxes when blaming the guilty parties for America's endless mass shootings -- Democrats, Hollywood, mainstream media -- while coming up with two new bad guys: the FBI and European Socialists.

What the?! The last time I saw the FBI and European Socialists on the same side was the side of a 1950s newspaper page telling us how much they hated each other. 

It's difficult to know exactly who is to blame for the rise of LaPierre.  Is the rubes, cornballs, and all-around mental defectives he's convinced that the government is out to destroy the 2nd Amendment?

Or is their Congressmen who suckle thirstily at the NRA teat? It's the age-old question: Which came first -- the chicken politician or the egg-for-brain voter?

Vanessa couldn't be prouder of being married to this guy.

I admit, the caricature of 2nd Amendment paranoiacs as being straw-chewing, beer-swilling, sister-fuckers isn't entirely accurate. Days after the Parkland shooting, the slick-haired, pinstriped suit-wearing, escargot-eating Donald Trump, Jr. endorsed various conspiracy theories involving at least one of the teenage survivors. Well, Junior might be a sister-fucker. Just not of Tiffany.

 

Loesch has that LaPierre grimace down cold.

To prove that the NRA is an equal-rights kind of place, its' spokeswoman, former Fox tart Dana Loesch, ginned up the CPAC crowd further, claiming the news media loved mass shootings. Or, as she put it, "Crying white mothers are ratings gold." And having worked at the news network where Sean Hannity reigns supreme, she speaks from experience.

"...And when you figure out
the equation, don't forget to
show your work!"

The NRA's latest screwball suggestion -- that school teachers should start packing heat in class -- has already gotten the orange thumbs-up from President Trump who, in his New York days, would have scoffed as such an idea. Because all it's going to take is one teacher accidentally shooting an innocent student for the NRA to say, "Let the kids brings guns to school!" And if Sandy Hook proved anything, it's that Democrats and Republicans are OK with that. Who says they can't reach across the aisle?

It should therefore come as no surprise that a Pennsylvania church is holding a blessing for AR-15s next week -- right down the road from an elementary school. Goddamned guns? No, brothers and sisters, godblessed guns! 

Instead of schools and concerts, wouldn't it be a nice change of pace if crazies decided to shoot up, say, an NRA convention? You just know that everyone there would whip out their guns and start firing away like it was Dodge City. 

Sure, I'd trust this guy's opinion on guns.

Or maybe if the nutzos figured out how to use Google, and find the schools that the offspring of NRA-loving Congressmen attend. Call me a cynic, but I would probably get great satisfaction in watching Ted Cruz trying to pin the crime on Jake Tapper rather than the guy who signs those donors' checks.

To be clear, I'm not urging any of that, any more than Jonathan Swift wanted people to take him up on his advice on how to curb overpopulation. I'm merely daydreaming. The same way women will flock to see 50 Shades of Grey, but recoil in horror if their husbands suggest they engage in the same kind of fun and games.  Fantasies, I need not remind you, are preferable to certain realities. Like, I dunno, weekly mass shootings.

One last thought: Wayne LaPierre translates to Wayne The Peter. In other words, he really is a dick!

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