BREAKING NEWS: 2/27/18

In a meeting with the nation's governors regarding gun violence in the wake of the Parkland school massacre, President Donald Trump said, "I really believe I'd run in there even if I didn't have a weapon."

Trump added, "I mean, did you see how hot those 17 year-old girls were?"

Ian Walters, the Communications Director for the Conservative Political Action Committee, told an audience that former Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele got the job only because he was "a black guy."

After receiving negative response from Steele and others for his comments, Walters apologized. "What I meant to say," Walters stated, "was 'he was one of those coloreds.'"

In related news, Michael Steele said in a podcast that the Republican party has a problem with racism.

Told of Steele's statement, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said, "That's not true at all. We Republicans have no problem with racism whatsoever."

Senator Elizabeth Warren, who claims Cherokee ancestry despite no evidence, has been accused of plagiarizing recipes for her contribution to the Native American cookbook Pow Wow Chow.

Warren's contributions will be deleted from future editions, and will instead be published in Campfire Liars.

CBS News is reporting that Catholic church officials in Texas spent 56 years shielding  Father John Feit from prosecution in the 1960 murder of a beauty queen contestant, allowing him to rise to a position of authority over troubled priests. 

When reporters asked for an explanation, a church spokesman said, "We thought this would make a nice change of pace from shielding pedophiles."

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