SPLITSVILLE USA

"I can't hear you heiling!"

It would be difficult to blame residents of other countries for thinking the United States has lost its mind. Let me assure you, however, that what you've been witnessing is business as usual. 

There has always been a solid 30% of the population that objects to the idea of liberal democracy, probably going back to the 18th-century royalists (including the son of Benjamin Franklin, which should prove that good genes aren't always passed along to subsequent generations). 

Berlin? Nope --my neighborhood in 1932!
Today, Trump would say there are good people
on both sides of East 91st Street.

My Upper East Side neighborhood, Yorkville, for example, was a hotbed of pro-Nazi sentiment in the 1930s -- read this 1934 news article to get an idea of what it was like. By the time I became a resident in 1983, the German influence was disappearing; now it's quite common to hear residents speaking Russian, which may or may not to be an improvement. 

That 30% had been more or less tamped down since V-E Day. Over time, as the idea of inclusion and acceptance grew, those who objected slunk back into the shadows, grumbling among themselves the same way Southern cartoon characters were guaranteed to proclaim, "The South shall rise again!" to gales of canned-laughter.

Guess what. It did rise again! And by rise, I mean throughout the country. The states that went Trump are red:

Or to put it another way, of the 3,113 counties, 2,626 voted for Trump. Looks like it's time to revive a certain 1950s right-wing slogan with an update: Better Red than Blue!

Yes, yes, yes, not every Trump voter is a racist, homophobic, Russian-loving dolt. I get why many just threw up their hands and said, Fine, anybody to get us out of this mess. But now that we know that the mess has grown exponentially, isn't it time to take a second look at the solid 30%-40% who will once again vote Trump in 2020, and will likely tip the election in his favor? 

It's already been proven that Trump could lose by five million votes -- almost twice the number as 2016 -- and still win! And since the states that the Electoral College favors -- pretty much all of them outside of New York, California, and Texas -- would never approve of its abolition, it's time to take one giant leap for mankind. To do so would doing something much of the world's population is loathe to do: learning from the past.

Two-thirds of a great idea.

You history buffs might remember how the US, UK, France, and Russia divvied up Berlin into four sections after the War before splitting German itself into two different countries so that it would never cause trouble again. Today, I am suggesting the Allied Invasion 2.0, consisting of the UK, France, Australia and Canada. Target: the United States. Together, the New Allies can split up Washington, DC into four sections until they can get to the next step: dividing the entire country into two parts.

As you can see by the map, this wouldn't be as easy as carving up Germany. Even the secession of the Southern States before the Civil War was fairly easy, since they were all, well, in the South. While the blue states are primarily in the Northeast and West coast, a few are scattered throughout the rest of the country. But you know what? That's what passports are for.

As the old Allies made it clear to the Axis that their way of thinking wasn't good for the rest of the world, so would the New Allies remind the US that we are supposed to be a beacon of freedom to the world, not a traffic light perpetually on red when it comes to science, education and free-thinking -- all the stuff I vaguely remember being popular in my lifetime.

Now we know which flag they pledge allegiance to.

I had considered inviting Russia in place of Australia and giving the red states over to Putin, since he appears to have far more fans here than even his own country -- even in our government. (Maybe Joe McCarthy was onto something after all.) But the Russkies are a crafty folk, and could easily infiltrate the rest of the US with the click of a mouse. 

But in order to satisfy Trump fans' insatiable craving for autocrats, the New Allies would create a New Marshall Plan. Only instead of dropping food behind enemy lines, we'd drop voters -- like the ones pictured on the right -- into Russia. Like they always scream, Love it or leave it!

So come on over, New Allies! Beers and burgers are on me. You're not vegans, are you?



                                                    **********************************